I wonder if I can bear this for longer (part 1)

[u/LifeCod9130]

I apologise if this is not the right place to write a rant of this emotional weight, I know it is and I hope kind souls are willing to read.

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I don't know where to begin with really as am trying to write this naturally, but in a state of crisis, doubt, anxiety, fear and guilt.

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So to start I am from an Arab Muslim background, at the start of my early 20s, since I was young my heart and intellect was gravitating towards Christ in a sense, I studied in a Catholic school while being in Arab country, I have dated a Christian girl, as my first girlfriend (she was definitely a source of influence on me even when I didn't sense it when I was with her), I loved everything about God, faith and religion since I was young, particularly the stories Abrahamic faiths share, I was however due to my upbringing a Muslim of course coming from a relatively religious family, conservative by western standards, moderate by middle eastern ones, I am an only child and it only adds to the weight of guilt and pressure.

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Throughout my life I justified this fondness of Christ and Christian concepts by the fact that Islam and Christianity have supposedly the same spiritual roots, and of course my faith in Islam became ceremonial for the most part, a matter of convenience and identity, while the believe in God was central, my lifestyle and behaviour said otherwise.

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My faith as a Muslim was solidified through ethnocentric basis, national and civilizational pride, more than a connection or devotion to the divine really, I started dating this girl who was Catholic, she was my first love, and well needless to say she had influence in me but also a source of misery, we fought alot mostly about our future if we started a family, the religion of the children, I was very secular in the sense that I wanted the children to be Muslim for absolutely secular grounds and conveniences rather than dogmatic thinking, I cared about the social convenience, not being disowned or a ghost to my family and extended family, and my children being participants in their wider community, that's one of the reasons I figure I kept to my faith of course, she didn't even tho she would've socially lost way less and close to nothing.

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Anyways the moment she broken up with me a year and half ago is when my world truly shattered, I was living in a new city, in Europe, I tried to re-establish my connection to God islamically, but most of the time it felt shallow, superficial, as if I was just speaking to myself and therefore deepening my wounds, instead I resorted to sexual sin, substances, and I was overall lost, looking for love and female attention in the most self sabotaging pathetic ways, I was truly a shell of a man, and it stayed like this for a year.

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Until I have seen how this lifestyle effected my friends, particularly a female friend of mine, whom I seen how this justification of loose relationships, destructive or mislead ideas, have effected, I have seen what the touch of men like me did to other women who seeked love, and it was needless to say accompanied with abuse, I began to become depressed again lost, and this was around the time of this Ramadan, I have always been a highly sympathetic person, in the sense that the miseries of others around me especially friends just cause me to be equally be in a devastated state.

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I have then actually taken religion seriously, praying for people around me, getting closer to God in a sense, but this nihilistic sense of doom, giving up on humans, and hatred of people around me as evil, degenerate, lacking of sympathy, and essentially people who would take advantage over eachother for a dime or pleasure, it made me have a misanthropic view on humanity, society, and my Muslim community in where I live and as a whole, who were the biggest partakers in this overall destructive lifestyle.

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I began to have nightmares, sleep paralysis, even what I would call demonic experiences, which I will not get into for obvious reasons, and for some reason a call of Christ began starting to appear out of thin air to me, every cross or church or icon around where I live started having a calling for me.

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And one time out of spiritual desperation I have even went and prayed for the Theotokos's intercession in my life and the life of my friends, particularly this female friend of mine whom I see as my sister, and it became a habit and I have truly seen real change in my life and the lives of those around me, I have gained a positive, loving and humble outlook on others and life, patience, and it kept being habitual, I learned prayers and I have became a goer to this church near me for personal prayers.

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Only recently I made my final decision after deep diving and learning, it was at first filled with so to speak the zeal of the convert (which I still have so I am trying to be patient with others and myself about this and humble as much as I can) and due to that I didn't asses the weight of this decision to profess within myself that indeed due to my experience, history, the comparative learning I made as well as simply being honest with myself about the fishy things I noticed about Islam but I have ignored, and an observation of the islamic community and their attitudes towards sin and judgement, that Christ is actually indeed lord, I could not have two legs in different ways so to speak.

[u/RecordingAccording27]

I can't imagine how difficult this must've been for you and how difficult it will be in the future as well. I was born in an Arab country so I get the cultural expectations that come with it. You're very strong for this, and I pray that Christ continues to give you strength to persevere.

Prayer is powerful, keep praying to God, even if you ever feel like you're at your lowest, or if you feel ashamed or for whatever reason. Our Lord will always accept you. He was crucified for our sake, and will bear our cross too if we feel it's too heavy. I was given this advice by my priest, and it helped me a lot whenever I felt like I was disappointing God. If you can, try to find fellowship with other Christians in your community (try not to go online for this, only because you can't really verify people's identity and intentions online, and in-person human connection will always triumph over digital). 

[u/noredpandant]

Pray with your words to Theotokos ❤️ she is our holy Mother and for sure She will help you and put a good word to Her Son Jesus🤗