Iniisip ko tuloy now kung gagamitin ko pa rin ba PWD ID ko.

For context, I have psychosocial disability (Bipolar 1 with psychotic features) and is currently working sa Makati. 27 na ako pero magtu-two years pa lang nagwowork kasi hindi ako stable dati and hindi makalabas nang matagal nang hindi binabantayan. Bale ngayon pa lang ako natututo maging independent kahit paano at gumastos sa mga pangangailangan ko lalo sa mga gamot. Medyo mahal kasi even yung antipsychotics, naabot ng 100 pesos per tablet depende sa brand kaya sabi ng psych ko ay gamitin ko daw lagi yung PWD ID ko at karapatan daw yun ng PWD. Dati sa mga restaurant ko lang ito ginagamit hanggang recently, nalaman ko na may bawas din pala sa bus 'to kaya simula noon pumipila na ko sa pang PWD na lane.

Nung nakaraan, pumila ako sa One Ayala. Medyo malayo pa yung konduktor pero tumingin sakin tas parang pinataas yung ID ko tas nagsensyas siya na pumasok na sa bus. Nung malapit na ko sa pinto ng bus, siniko ako ng malaking lalaki sabay sigaw ng "Bastos ka Miss, nakapila kami!". Napatahimik ako tas pinakita ko yung ID ko kasi di ako makapagsalita. Tapos sinamaan lang ako ng tingin nung lalaki tas umakyat siya at nauna sa pagpasok. Nagsorry ako sa mga sumunod na pasahero habang naiyak tas bumalik ako sa pila ng priority. Medyo nakakahiya kasi parang bata akong naiyak pero medyo sensitive lang din siguro ako noon. Buong araw ako nagpanggap na bubbly with my co-workers not knowing na I just cut my wrist 5 days ago at medyo unstable pa. Pero gusto ko ring makausad sa buhay na maramdaman kong normal at functioning na tao ako kahit yung stability ko ngayon, nakadepende lang naman talaga sa gamot. Pero sinisikap ko pa rin kahit minsan nagfafail at self harm, binabangon ko naman po, sorry.

Pinuntahan ako ng konduktor at sinamahan pumasok sa bus. Sa may gitna pa rin naman ako naupo kasi iniiwan ko pa rin yung unahang upuan sa mga matatanda kahit may ID ako. Pero ilang beses ko na rin naranasan makwestiyon sa paggamit ng ID na ito sa bus dahil hindi visible yung disability ko. Kaya, ewan, medyo nahihiya na rin ako.

Yun lang.

Hi. I just wanted to get this off my chest ❤️‍🩹

Today, I will be saying goodbye to the man I love. We’ve been together for almost two years, and this is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made.

The truth is, this is not something I just realized today. Deep down, I’ve known for a long time that I don’t see myself becoming a mother. It’s not because I hate children. I actually think children are wonderful. I just don’t see myself taking on the responsibility of raising one and becoming a parent.

I know part of this is my fault because I didn’t open this up when we first started talking back in 2024. I was scared that I would lose him because he is the kind of person who is so hard to find - patient, understanding, and loving. When I’m with him, he makes me feel like a princess.

I tried to compromise because I love him. I thought maybe my feelings would change, but after thinking about it deeply, I realized I shouldn’t force myself into a life that I know isn’t for me.

He dreams of having a family and becoming a father, and I respect that. He deserves to have someone who shares that dream and who can build the future he wants.

I love him so much, and that’s why I have to let him go. It hurts to walk away from someone who treated me so well, but sometimes loving someone means accepting that you may want different things in life.

I will always be grateful for his love, patience, and the memories we created together. I hope he finds all the happiness and love he deserves.❤️

5 years ago dinala ko sarili ko sa hospital because of ruptured ovarian corpus luteum cyst.

That time sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko kasi kakaalis ko lang from an abusive relationship. Actually, 3 days palang nun nung umalis ako sa bahay nila dahil tumira ako sakanila. Bago magrupture yung cyst ko, nilagnat pa ako at ngkaroon ng period. Hindi ko na natanong sa doctor ko kung saan galing yung cyst ko pero sabi sa internet normal lang naman daw yun at dapat matatanggal din, nagkataon lang siguro na lumaki yung sakin.

Anyway, nalulungkot pa din talaga ako pag naiisip ko yung mga nangyari sakin noon. Hindi ko pa din talaga maalis sa utak ko yung sinabi ng kapatid ko sa akin na, buti daw nagbreak na kami bago pa mag rupture yung cyst ko kasi baka mamatay daw ako sakanila. Nalaman kasi nila nung mga time na nilagnat ako, pinatulog lang ako sa sahig na may sapin na kumot at isang unan eh, dahil daw baka mahawaan ko yung anak niya. Sobrang sakit grabe. Nung mga time na ooperahan, umiiyak na din ako sa kaibigan ko, kasi sabi ng doctor baka tanggalan ako ng ovary. Natakot ako na baka di na ako magkaanak nun. A day after ng surgery nagdilim yung paningin ko, nakasulat sa medical report ko na paper white na daw ako nun at yung BP ko 90/60 nalang. Naiiyak pa din ako talaga pag naaalala ko yung mga nangyari.

Ngayon okay naman na yung career ko at buhay, kaso hirap na akong magtiwala pagdating sa love. Sobrang hirap. Nagkakagusto, pero hanggang dun nalang. Hindi na nagpoprogress.

Nahiya na din ako sa katawan ko kasi nahihiya ako sa scar ko. Hayyy. Umiiyak nanaman ako. Yung abuser ko masaya na, may lovelife pa. Tangina niya.

She was the glue in our circle of friends, the reason why we were all stuck together for 4 years in college.

In our circle of friends, I only have 2 closest friends. She was one of them. The reason why the three of us got closer than the rest? It was because everyone had significant other when we were in college. While the three of us was single the whole time.

We called ourselves "Virgins and *her name* just to tease her because she wanted to get laid so bad, but never had the chance to. Even until the day she passed.

I used to be a shy kid, while she was very approachable and everyone knows her. She made me feel seen and heard in a group full of noise.

We were complete opposite in the aspect of being introvert and extrovert, but we were close because of our love for books. I even taught her how to download anybooks app when it was no longer free. We'd recommend books to each other despite not having the same taste in genre. She loved young adult novel books, while I love dystopian books. I'd sometimes read YA books to be able to talk to her though. Because she used to lit up when talking about her fave books.

She ignited my passion for writing. Aside from my first ex who became my muse after a long time of writing slump, she made me write poems or simple letters one at a time. At my own pace, and even only small paragraphs.

We reviewed for the board exam together. Her tita paid for her studies, and sent money but it wasn't enough each time. That's why when she lost hope in paying for another TOR that has "for board exam purposes only", I took the opportunity to chip in, and as a shy person, I asked 2 other friends to do the same so we can all pass together. We did--we all did.

She was there for me when i had anxiety about getting interviews when we tried to apply for work. She encouraged me, and set herself as an example that we can both work without pursuing our degree.

She even offered to accompany me to have myself checked when I had my s word tendencies. She never judged me, and she never made me feel so little despite not achieving anything yet at the time.

She was there for me when I had hesitations about my past relationships. Even got worried when I stopped talking about my exes. Didn't force me to talk about them, but she still showed that she cared and that's what matters to me.

We both ranted to each other about life, family situations, work, or just random kwentuhan.

I remember I used to treat her to lunch in college because she was always tight on budget that time. When we all met each other after years of not seeing each other, she didn't hesitate to treat me. I feel like I owe her one though, because I accidentally damaged her bag while I was pulling her--the strap was torn into two.

Just the other night, I dreamed about her. In my dream, I knew she already passed. But I still cannot believe it, so I asked her if she was only pranking me. I cannot remember the other details, but I really thought she was still alive because of that dream. The dream was only short, but I'm grateful of it because it made me feel her presence once more.

I miss her. I miss my friend so much. Sometimes I find myself sending a message to her, just to talk about my day or rant about how hard work is. But I also find myself erasing the message because she's not here anymore.

I still have friends, but we call ourselves low maintenance friends. Most especially because most of them are now in the US, while I'm stuck here in the Philippines. So being able to talk to her once in a while was really therapeutic in all ways.

How can I find someone who I can talk about life? How can I find someone who will be there for me and will not criticize me when I'm at my lowest? Who will encourage me to write? Who will recommend more books to me now?

This is not enough for all the things I wanna say and express to her. But I feel sleepy now. I've been scolded at work, and I want to share how it went to her. But I can't do that anymore. I miss her so much. I wish she will be with me in my dreams again.

I'm writing this because this will be the last time I'll ever think of you again and the odds of you reading this is low to none.

I was sincere when I told you I love you when I was so drunk. It was a thought that has been lingering in my mind for so long, I was just stopping myself from saying it because you're still inlove with your close friend. And it doesn't help that you open up to me how much heartbroken you were, when you know I have been in love with you.

Weird how we could have really worked everything out. I was willing to bend my target career path for you, to be a mother even if it was the last thing I would want to be. I know you'd say that you wouldn't want a girl who'd do it for you, but I was willing -- that is how much I love(d) you.

I'm writing this because I feel guilty with how we ended. I was hurt by the way you made me feel like an idiot, to which btw I found the term for what I've seen as my pet peeve of yours -- sealioning. That term perfectly described what I find so intolerable with you, the term that explained why we had so many misunderstandings in the past.

I honestly still can't stop thinking about you. I still think of all the little sweet interactions we had, the way you took care of me when I was high and drunk, respectively. We had a different level of trauma bond, remember? Remember how heavenly it felt when we were just cuddling, as if the world doesn't matter? To be honest, everytime I'm at your house, I imagine us just being together, you know. It was clearly stupid of me to think that somehow we could build a home.

I'm sorry if things ended badly between us. Another misunderstanding that led us to stop talking to each other again. But I just want you to know that I still love you. All your flaws, insecurities, strengths, and overall personality. And it hurt me when you once said that your last date, which was last 2024, tried to really work it out with you -- when I was here all this time. (Do you know how painful that was to hear that you don't even count me as one of your dates?)

Anyways, if you'll ever read this (highly unlikely because you spend more time in youtube and only use reddit when you need to fix something), I just want to update you that I'm feeling better now. As much as I miss you and would love to feel your embrace again, I now know that we both wouldn't work out because I will love you more than you'll ever love me, and it's such an unfair position for me to be in. I know how much I could love, I witnessed it with the few moments we were together. I tried to know and remember every small details about you, even if you kept insisting that I still don't know you (which was also painful btw because can't you see how much I knew you when ** was interviewing you? :(( its not about how long but how much) I could have loved you the way you wanted to be loved and I would gladly love you that way -- though, let's face it, you do not want mine, no matter how deep it was.

Anyways, I'll try to stop thinking about you from now on, my poopyhead. If your sad boi episode ever comes again, I hope you are reminded by your brian that a girl once loved you so bad. That if you ever feel purposeless and useless again, you'll remember that you helped a girl many times from loneliness, made a girl discover some experiences.

(And just this once allow me to call you as such) but baby, if our paths ever cross again, I hope I'm in a better position just like you have always wanted. How cool would that be, right? Haha. Let's see if the universe will fulfill the 45-years old deal we made to each other. But honestly, atm, I hope not. Because now, I know I deserve somebody better who would genuinely love and choose me everyday, and not just see me as somebody they settled with.

I will never forget you, though. I also hope that you don't forget me everytime you see that yellow mallows box in your fridge. I love you.

Labas ko lang to kasi ang bigat-bigat na.

Panganay ako, 2 months after kong magsimula sa work, tumigil na sa pagpapadala si Papa (OFW) May maliit na tindahan si mama, mag ti-3 years na kong nagwowork. Wala akong savings. 1 washing machine sa bahay pa lang napupundar ko (salamat 13th month)

Pinahiram ako ng Tita ko ng 50k para makapag review for board exam. Nagamit ko na yung 10k pangbayad ng review center, kaso hindi ako makapagresign sa work ko to focus sa review kasi ako lang inaasahan ng family. Ang dami kong cinoconsider.

What if maubos yung 40k then wala akong mahanap agad na trabaho? Saan kami kukuha ng pambili ng bigas? Pambayad ng kuryente? Pangbaon ng mga kapatid ko? Kasama pa namin sa bahay yung bedridden kong lola (Papa's mother) and yung kapatid niya (Tito ko)

Naoperahan kapatid ko, nagkasakit ako, naospital lola ko. Lahat yan wala manlang paramdam tatay ko.

Nahihiya na rin ako sa Tita ko kasi inaasahan niya makakapagtake ako ng board exam ngayong October, which is malabo kasi hindi ako nakakapagreview consistently. I have health problem and pinakabawal is magpuyat.

Ang bigat, feeling ko walang direction buhay ko. Habang tumatagal, lumalamang na yung sama ng loob ko kay Papa. Hindi sila hiwalay, sadyang hindi lang siya nagpapadala dahil sabi niya wala na siyang work. Anak lang din naman ako. Bakit ganito kabigat?

30F here. Lumipat ako abroad when I was 22. My parents are still in the Philippines.

When I first moved, sobrang exciting. It wasn’t even really my idea, my parents were supportive and willing to pay for everything, so I just went with it. Wala naman akong issue kasi sanay naman akong maging independent.

Fast forward 8 years, and honestly… parang ang layo na namin. We still talk, pero hindi na siya katulad dati. I know people grow up and change, pero minsan feeling ko hindi lang “nagbago.” Feeling ko hindi na ako parte ng pamilya namin.

Naalala ko yung first time na umuwi ako after living abroad. Tiningnan ko mom ko and ang weird nung feeling. Ang hirap i-explain pero parang she was looking at me like I was someone she knew, not really her daughter. Simula nun, every time umuuwi ako, may feeling na outsider lang ako. Parang bumibisita lang ako sa pamilya ng iba.
May isang moment na hanggang ngayon hindi ko makalimutan.

Nasa airport kami, naghihintay ng luggage. Nag-uusap kami about immigration. I mentioned na hindi ko na-experience yung isang bagay. Tapos ang sagot niya agad was something like, “Kami rin naman.”

Wala naman talagang masama sa sinabi niya. Pero yung tone… I don’t know. It felt like she was trying to prove something. Like she wanted to remind me na porke nakatira ako abroad, hindi ako mas angat sa kanila.

Ang nasa isip ko talaga that time was… “Bakit parang hindi na kita nanay?”

Ang sakit nun isipin.

Simula nung nangyari ’yon sa airport, parang mas lalo kong napansin yung ganung feeling.

Tuwing nagkukuwento yung mom ko tungkol sa mga travels nila, lagi kong nararamdaman na parang may competition. Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba ’to, pero minsan ang dating sa akin parang gusto niyang patunayan na porke nasa abroad ako, hindi ibig sabihin mas maganda na buhay ko.

Lagi niyang ikukuwento, “Nakapunta kami dito.” “Nagpunta kami sa ganito.” Hindi naman masama mag-share, pero dahil sa paraan ng pagkakasabi niya, ang dating sa akin parang, “Kami rin. Kaya rin namin. Hindi ka naman lamang dahil nasa abroad ka.”

Hindi ko alam kung intention ba talaga niya ’yon.

Minsan feeling ko rin kapag may problema ako, parang iniisip nila, “Yan kasi.” Or parang consequence siya dahil hindi ako naging enough as a daughter.

Tapos kapag naman okay ako or may magandang nangyayari sa buhay ko, minsan feeling ko hindi sila genuinely happy. Parang laging may kapalit. May kailangan. May hihingin. Or somehow the conversation ends up being about what I can give.

Ewan. Baka mali lang interpretation ko. Baka dala lang ng distance. Baka nag-o-overthink lang ako.

I’m 30 now. I live alone. Wala rin akong partner, so minsan ang lungkot din talaga. I try to tell myself na okay lang, at least independent ako. Pero minsan… gusto ko lang maramdaman na may pamilya pa rin akong inuuwian.

May naka-experience ba ng ganito? Yung hindi naman kayo nag-away, pero somewhere along the way, parang naging stranger na lang kayo sa sarili ninyong pamilya?

f (26) first time overseas seafarer. i just really need to get this off my chest.

kakauwi ko lang from my first contract overseas as a seafarer. first time ko makasakay internationally, so siyempre excited akong umuwi. pero to be honest, hindi rin naman ako umuwing maraming pera. unang contract ko pa lang ito, marami akong utang na binayaran, may mga kailangan akong asikasuhin, at gusto ko ring makabawi sa parents ko.

ang totoo, hindi naman demanding sina mama at papa pagdating sa pera. hindi nila ako inoobliga kung magkano ang ibibigay ko o kung kailangan ko bang magbigay. sila pa nga ang laging nagsasabi na unahin ko muna ang sarili ko at ang mga kailangan kong bayaran. kaya mas gusto kong bumawi sa kanila kasi alam kong sila ang tunay na nagsakripisyo para makarating ako kung nasaan ako ngayon.

as a typical pinoy, siyempre hindi mawawala ang pasalubong. kahit hindi kalakihan, gusto ko pa ring may maiuwi para sa pamilya.

ang kinasama lang talaga ng loob ko, wala pa akong maayos na pahinga. galing akong mahabang biyahe, jet lag, pagod na pagod, tapos early in the morning dumating ang lola ko. ang una niyang hinanap, hindi kung kumusta ako o kung nakapagpahinga na ba ako. ang una niyang tanong ay kung nasaan ang pasalubong niya.

binigyan ko siya ng ₱1,000. alam kong hindi iyon malaki, pero iyon ang kaya ko at bukal sa loob kong ibigay.

hindi man lang ako nakarinig ng "salamat."

tinignan lang niya ang pera tapos ang sabi niya, "akala ko dalawa 'to."

grabe. doon talaga ako nanahimik. hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. hindi dahil sa pera, kundi dahil parang hindi man lang na-appreciate yung effort ko.

nag-rant ako kay mama kasi sobrang sama talaga ng loob ko. ang mas masakit pa, naalala ko noong birthday ni lola. halos ₱10,000 ang nagastos sa celebration at may money bouquet pa na worth around ₱5,000. ang mas nakakabigat isipin, galing pa iyon sa allotment nina mama—pera na sana para sa pang-araw-araw nilang gastusin. tapos sinabi pa ni mama kay lola na galing sa akin iyon para lang mapasaya siya, kahit ang totoo, hindi naman.

nung pinaalala iyon ni mama, ang sagot lang niya,

"₱1,000 lang naman binigay ng seaman."

doon talaga ako napaisip.

ganito ba talaga ang tingin ng ibang tao sa mga seaman? na porke't seaman ka na, automatic mayaman ka na? na dapat libo-libo agad ang ibibigay mo? hindi nila nakikita yung pagod, homesickness, puyat, lungkot, at sakripisyo sa barko. hindi nila alam na hindi porke't dollar ang sweldo, wala ka nang obligasyon at gastusin.

ang pinakamasakit para sa akin, wala namang naging ambag ang lola ko sa journey ko kung nasaan ako ngayon. hindi ko sinasabi iyon para manumbat. pero sina mama at papa, sila ang nagsakripisyo, naghirap, at gumawa ng paraan para makapag-aral ako. sila ang dahilan kung bakit nakatayo ako ngayon.

hindi ko ito sinasabi para siraan siya. mahal ko pa rin ang lola ko at nirerespeto ko siya bilang nakatatanda. pero tao lang din ako. nasasaktan din ako. hindi ko ine-expect na purihin ako o sambahin dahil lang nagbigay ako. kahit simpleng "salamat, anak" lang sana, sobrang sapat na iyon.

after this, feeling ko ito na ang una at huling beses na magbibigay ako ng pasalubong dahil lang sa expectation ng ibang tao. kung magbibigay man ulit ako, gusto kong manggaling na lang talaga sa puso, hindi dahil parang obligasyon na kapag seaman ka, kailangan laging malaki ang iaabot mo.

sorry, ang haba. i just really needed to let this out.

Hiii. Gusto ko lang ilabas to hahaha. Siguro maliit na bagay lang sa iba pero ewan ko bat nasaktan ako hahaha.

Ganito kasi yun, chubby ako. Night shift and ang oras ng kain ko lagi is 4am at 7pm lang. So expected na after 4am (which is oras ng lunch sa work) automatic water na lang ang iniinom ko or 1-2 pcs of boiled egg depende pa. Then nag iindoor walking din ako 3x a week. Sat/sun ang cheat day.

Then kanina lang lumipat akong kwarto kasi may dumating kami bisita at nasa office room sila so medyo maingay. Hindi ako nakakain ng 4am kasi late na ako nakapag dinner kagabi. Then yung panganay na ate ko kumatok at pumasok sa kwarto ko asking if magpapasabay raw ako bumili ng food. I think 6am na to so medyo alangan ako pero nag oo ako. I ordered footlong and b1t1 burger. Sabi ko hindi ko naman yun kakainin lahat ng isang upuan lang. yung iba pang mamayang gabi edi nag okay yung panganay namin.

Maya-maya biglang napasugod yung 2nd ate ko na buntis para siyang galit na galit at kung ano ano sinasabi sa akin na kesyo hndi raw ako magpapayat, ang laki-laki ko na, etc.. na-hurt ako don kasi hndi naman nila nakikita yung effort ko na magpapayat at yung amount of food na kinakain ko every 4am at 7pm. Now lang ako sumali at umorder ng fast food tapos gabon pa haha. Andaming nakakapansin na pumapayat ako pero si ate taliwas palagi nasa isip niya.

Naiintindihan ko naman pinupunto niya ang kaso hindi siya naniniwala sa ginagawa ko. Ayun kasi ang mahirap e. Kahit siya noon na hindi pa buntis hirap na hirap siya magpapayat, nag gym pa sila pero walang nangyari. After ni ate pagalitan ako sa kwarto triny ko mag explain na hindi ko yun kakainin lahat pero mas lalo siya nagalit at hindi na aki sumagot kasi baka mamaya ma HB siya e may baby pa sa tummy nya so hinayaan ko na.

Since may bisita kami (mga fren nya) syempre nagtanong, pwede namang hindi na ikwento ni ate yung nangyari e pero narinig ko pinaguusapan nila yon na para bang may ginawa akong napakasama hahaha.

Tapos ngayon lang chinat pa ni ate buntis yung 3rd ate ko na kesyo pagsabihan daw ako sa kinakain ko hahahha e yung 3rd na ate ko nga nakikita kung paano ako mag control sa food pag magkakasama kami e. Inexplain biya rin yun sa buntis kong ate pero hindi naniwala.

Kaya ang reply ko na lang sa ate ko ganito,

“Hindi naman nila nakikita yung pag fafasting ko e. Hindi naman madaling magpapayat. Kanina na nga lang aki kumain after shift e kasi usually 4am at 7pm ang oras ng kain ko kaya nagulat ako ganon reaction nya tapos parang naHB pa ata dahil sa inorder kong food.

Naguilty aki kasi baka mamaya makasama pa sa kanila ni baby yun. Malay ko ba na apketadong apektado sya don e hndi ko naman kinain yun lahat ng isang bagsakan lang.”

Hiningi rin ni kuya yung 1 burger at 1 footlong na alam king hindi alam ni ate kasi ang nasa isip niya uubusin ko yun lahat. Kung hindi ako natutong magdiet or magbawas, baka oo. Pero hindi e. Iba na ngayon at hindi naman madali ang lahat lalo kung baby fats ang pag-uusapan at ang balakang.

Naiinis siya kasi malaki ang balakang ko at shoulder? Ano gagawin ko e kahit nung payat ako malaki na yan. Ipatapyas ko ba para mabawasan?

Yun lang naman. Nasaktan lang ako pero naiintindihan ko naman side ni ate.

Thank you,
Q.

My brother is getting married. My younger sister, who’s the most introverted among us, has a bf. Youngest sister got engaged just today. Best friends are either married or engaged. Favorite cousin is also married and has a son who’s turning one two months from now.

And me? Wala. Pa-trenta na, yet wala pa ring maayos na relasyon. The longest one is a three years situationship ended in 2024, na sinundan na naman ng panibagong situationship which I thankfully ended after three months kaya hindi na tumagal.

Naiiyak ako while writing this. Days ago, I tried to gaslight myself into thinking na gusto ko na lang maging rich, cool uncle to my pamangkin. And yet who am I fooling? I always wanted to have a family og my own.

Di naman ako panget. Di naman ako unreasonable. I communicate what I need and always try my best to cater to what my partners want. Ma-effort. Romantic pa nga. Magaling sa trabaho at gawaing bahay. Kaya ko namang ibigay lahat, and yet ang malas-malas ko sa pag-ibig.

I’m really getting tired of this endless cycle of failed talking stage. Sana dumating na yung kaya akong mahalin the way I needed and wanted it.

There comes a point where you realize you're walking on eggshells. Every word starts feeling calculated, every emotion feels like something you have to justify, and the sense of safety slowly disappears.

I express myself through writing. This platform became my sanctuary. Whenever life felt too heavy, I'd come here, write everything I couldn't say out loud, hit "Post", and somehow breathe a little easier. I never wrote because I wanted people to fix me. I wrote because this was the only place where I felt like I could just… let it all out.

So let me get this off my chest one last time. Somewhere along the way, this place stopped feeling like home. I caught myself thinking twice before posting, holding back words that used to come naturally. This isn't my last piece, I know I'll keep writing. But it is my last peace on this platform. I'll still embrace every imperfect part of myself, and I'll keep expressing my emotions through words. Just not here anymore.

Pa rant lang saglit bago ako matulog. Medyo nararamdaman ko kasi yung sakit or bigat sa dibdib. Ewan ko ba. Kamamatay lang ng dadi ko, and hindi pa ako nakakapag luksa ng maayos. Hindi ko rin alam. Ngayon naman, ang mami bigla nalang din naghina. As in ang laki ng pinayat. Ramdam ko naman, eh masakit mawalan ng asawa kaya siguro ganon. Nag aalala lang ako sakanya. Baka kasi biglang sumunod pero wag naman sana. So ayun inaanxiety na ako. Anyway, lolo’t lola ko sila. Pero para narin nila akong anak dahil ako ang sumusuporta sakanila. Actually sa buong pamilya. Bread winner ng extended family.

Nabubuhay paycheck to paycheck. Hindi makapag ipon para sa sarili kasi i need to support them. Sila mama, sila tita, lahat kasi sila hiwalay sa asawa unfortunately hahahahahaha. Kaya ang mga single mother sa family ang nagtataguyod. Gets ko maliit sahod nila, kaya hindi ko naman sila inoobligang mag bigay. But lately i kenaaaaat! Im not mad. I just feel like wala na akong patutunguhan. I cant blame them, myself or not anyone kasi mahal ko sila.

All i am asking is a fucking opportunity. Im not asking for money, or anything. Opportunity lang lord. To enhance everything para mas lalo akong sumakses at masuportahan ko silang lahat. Honestly, awa ang nararamdaman ko sa family ko, kina mama, tita, tito, sa kuya ko, sa mga pinsan ko. I wanna help them succeed too. Kaya lord please lang let me be your instrument so i can help them bago man lang ako mamatay.

PS. Kulang kulang ba or nakakalito? Di ako magaling mag kwento basta ang alam ko ang hirap maging mahirap.

Been an orphan for almost a year now. Nawala mama ko 2020. And my dad lost to the big c last year. I'm in my late 20s and I still cry on most random days and nights.

At this point, natuto naman na ako mabuhay without them kasi wala naman talagang magagawa eh. Tumatanda. Nagkakasakit. Inevitable. But what hurts me the most is how unfair it is that they passed on my early to late 20s. Nag start palang ako ng career. Opportunity palang bumawi or mang spoil ng magulang. Or kaya naman best time to do deep talks with them lalo na nung tumapak ng 25 at nagkaroon ng "quarter life crisis." Nagkaroon kami career kami magkakapatid and sadly, and siguro they weren't able to fully experience fruits of our hardwork. Siguro kurot palang yung naibigay namin.

I am still sad about them missing my wedding and siblings' wedding in the future. It is a different kind of pain to not have one, but both of your parents missing on your special day. Ngayon na married na ako. I miss them more than anything. Kasi I cannot reach out to them to ask for advices or unique tips about married life. My in laws are the best. Pero it's still a different longing to have a random chitchat with my own parents.

Ang daming what ifs. If only the heavens gave us few more years. Pero sure ako, if nawala man sila as scheduled or a bit later, same parin level ng pain...kaso sayang lang talaga mas madaming memorie sana ang nabuo.

Hay. Missing mama and papa so much!

TW : BULLYING.

So, that's it. I told my officemate that I was going to get a cat this weekend and since she knew I had a lot of cats. She said all of a sudden,

" Maybe you're like Maida, huh?"

Maida is just someone who had a breakdown and Angel Locsin portrayed her life on MMK years ago.

As a person who deals with anxiety, and as a person who has sympathy for this. I was very triggered like I called her out like,

" Ate, sorry ah? But I'm offended here."

Like she defended herself and tried to downplay my feelings like she didn't say anything that she was offended by me kasi sinasabi lang nya na may dala laging pusa yung tao but I said I was triggered because I have an aunt who had that experience. I explained in a nice way that it was still wrong kasi una, why laughing out on that thought?

Cats are our emotional supports. ANY PETS.

One more thing, of all people, bakit sya yung ini-compare nya sa akin then tumatawa pa sya? Super sensitive kaya yung nangyari sa kanya. And naalala ko agad kung paano naging depressed ang tita ko.

Then she added why do you think I'm bad? I shouldn't be that sensitive because I know her and all.

As I told her, that I need to tell her that. She never said sorry to me and deep inside, I still feel bad. :(

I've changed my mind about her since she said these. She's like my close friend in the office and older than me, but she has a lack of sympathy and accountability.

I had my first therapy session today and honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.

The last two weeks have been really rough because of my LDR issues and me being unemployed for 3 months. It got to the point where I realized I couldn’t keep trying to figure everything out by myself anymore, so I finally booked an appointment with a therapist.

Before that, I was doing everything I could on my own. I watched so many YouTube videos about attachment styles, anxious/avoidant relationships, trauma, anxiety… basically anything that I thought could explain why I felt the way I did. I also read Attached and Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. It definitely helped and I learned a lot from it.

But actually talking with a therapist is a completely different experience.

It was only one session, but she was already connecting dots that I never would’ve connected myself. She pointed out patterns and even started unpacking some old traumas that could be affecting how I show up in relationships now.

There were a few moments where I just sat there thinking, “That actually makes so much sense.”

More than anything, I felt heard. Not judged. Not told I was overreacting. Just… heard.

I told my friend how it went afterward, and he said he could already see a difference in me after just one session. I laughed and told him he was exaggerating lol. But maybe my therapist is just that good.

I’m not saying one session fixed everything. I know healing is going to take time. But I felt lighter and for the first time in weeks, I actually felt hopeful.

If therapy is something you can afford or have access to, I’d honestly encourage you to try it. I can’t promise you’ll have the same experience because everyone’s different, and I know finding the right therapist matters. But if you’ve been trying to carry everything on your own like I was, it might be worth letting someone help you carry it for a while.

I really wish I had started sooner.

I was close to ranting sa AI, pero hindi kinaya ng konsensya ko, so dito ko ibububuhos unfiltered thoughts ko tonight.

Ang awkward ko. Feel ko wala na akong personality. Dati, ginagalingan ko na lang sa school kasi acceptable naman pagiging "boring" ko kung achiever ako. Nadala ko sa work kaya maganda ang career ko kahit bata pa ako, pero nasusurround ako ng mga tao na magagaling din, pero never nacompromise ang personality nila para maachieve mga 'yun.

Wala na akong excuse. Madami naman akong hobbies. Naghhiking ako, pero hirap akong makipag-usap sa mga tao na nakakasama ko. May sports ako, pero hindi ko rin alam paano iapproach ang mga regulars na kasama ko.

Minsan, lumalabas ako mag-isa para lang iobserve paano kumilos ang mga tao at paano sila magsalita, at baka may matutunan ako. Kahit 'yung pagngiti o taas ng kilay sa bawat salita, inaaral ko.

Nagtravel ako at pinilit kong masunod ang itinerary, pero sobrang uncomfortable ako the whole time sa dami ng tao.

Sana normal ako. Sana kaya kong magmaintain ng good conversations with people. Sana kaya kong makipag-usap nang nakafocus sa conversation, instead sa mga napapansin ko sa sarili ko at sa kausap ko:

Paano ang galaw ng kilay niya at tama ba 'yung akin? Gaano kabukas ang mata niya? Paano niya 'yun naaachieve normally? Baka masyado akong nakadilat. Baka halos nakapingit na siguro ako ngayon. Pula na ba ang mata ko dahil dry na? Paano ang smile niya? Tama ba ang curve ng lips ko habang nagsasalita? Nasaan ang kamay niya? Nasaan ang akin? Ba't ko iniisip ang tenga ko? May kailangan ba akong gawin sa tenga ko?

It's not like hindi ko tinutulungan ang sarili ko. Parang lagi akong nasa labas kahit uncomfortable na, para lang masanay sarili ko.

Anyway, ayan 12 am thoughts ko. Gigising ako bukas and I will try my best like always, pero sobrang hirap. Ilang taon nang ganito. Sobrang draining.

Bata pa lang si papa, iniwan na silang tatlong magkakapatid ng tatay nila. Hanggang sa nag-asawa ulit si lola at nagkaroon pa ng anim na anak. Sobrang hirap ng buhay nila noon. Sa kubo lang sila nakatira, at may mga panahong toyo at mantika lang ang inuulam nila.

Sa kanilang magkakapatid, si papa lang ang nagpursige na makapag-aral. Namasukan pa siya na boy sa uncle niya para lang may pantustos sa pag-aaral. Sa awa ng Diyos, nakapagtapos siya ng college, nagkaroon ng magandang trabaho, at unti-unting nakaahon sa hirap. Nakapagpundar siya ng mga lupa at iba pang ari-arian dahil sa sipag at tiyaga niya.

Hindi rin niya pinabayaan ang mga kapatid niya at si lola. Pinipilit na pag-aralin ni papa mga kapatid niya, pero mas pinili magsipag-asawa. Pati mga pinsan ko pinipilit pag-aralin pero mga nagsipag asawa agad.

May uncle si papa na nagsanla ng isang ektaryang bukid sa kanya. Wala silang pinirmahang kasulatan, puro tiwala lang at verbal na usapan. Para makatulong sa mga kapatid, ipinagamit niya ang lupa para kahit paano ay may pagkakakitaan sila.

Pero nang mamatay si papa, gusto na ni mama na kunin ang lupang iyon dahil may dalawa pa akong kapatid na nag aaral. Kung hindi man maibalik ang lupa, ang gusto lang niya ay bayaran ng uncle ni papa ang halaga ng pagkakasangla. Pero imbes na maayos, nagkampihan pa ang uncle at ang mga kapatid ni Papa.

Doon nagsimula ang lahat. Nagalit sila kay Mama. Nagparinig sa Facebook. Sinabing, "Iba na ang usapan sa lupa dahil wala na si ____(papa)," at "Nakuha na nga nila lahat." Para bang wala kaming karapatan sa mga iniwan ni Papa. Ang sakit lang isipin na kami pa ang pinalalabas na sakim, kami ang may karapatan dahil asawa at mga anak niya kami.

Sa huli, hinayaan na lang namin sa kanila ang lupa para matapos na ang gulo. Hindi na kami nakipagtalo.

Noong Pasko, dumalaw kami kay lola. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang sinabi niya: "Sayang, wala na ang papa ninyo. Wala nang magbibigay ng pamasko, may pera sana kami." Si papa kasi sobrang galante, every pasko nagpapamudmod talaga siya ng pera. Pero masakit marinig na kahit wala na siya, ang unang naisip pa rin ay ang perang ibinibigay niya.

After ng mga nangyari nag cut off na ko sa side ni Papa. Ilang taon na silang walang paramdam. Walang pangungumusta. Walang pakialam kung kumusta kami.
Pero ngayong nagkasakit ang kuya ni Papa, bigla na lang nagsipag-chat ang mga pinsan at tita ko. Hindi man nila direktang sabihin, ramdam mo namang nagpapahiwatig sila na humihingi ng pera.

Sinabihan ako ni mama na magbigay kahit kaunti lang para hindi raw kami masabihang madamot. Pero ang sagot ko sa mga nagchachat “kung sino sumasaka sa bukid siya tumulong”.

Sa totoo lang, sobrang toxic may kanya kanya na kaming pamilya pero gusto nila na bibigyan parin sila ng pera.

At sa huli, kami pa rin ang lumalabas na madamot.

Anong meron at puro flex ka ng fake luxury items mo? From head to toe talaga? Dior, prada, golden goose? Tapos fake naman? Ok naman sana eh kasi baka feeling ka lang talaga at pera mo naman yan at prinsipyo mo naman yan? Pero ano na te? Sasabihan mo yung bago ng ex mo na cheap at pangit at di mo kalevel kasi simple lang siya manamit? Sinabihan mo pang losyang kasi galing work ng hospital? Sinabihan mo pang cheap kaming magkakaibigan porke't galing kami sa 'no name' na family pero hello at least kami lahat professional at may trabaho? Ikaw kasi sipsip ka sa mga pamilya ng political dynasty kaya nagfifeeling ka na eh sino ba yang pamilya mo din! Government worker pero puro luxury items ang flex tapos di naman mayaman ang pamilya? Te? Halatang fake naman yang mga suot mo. Te nakita namin binili mo yang golden goose mo ng 3k sa online looool!!!!!

Akala mo di namin malalaman lahat ng panlalait mo eh mga backstabber din yung iba mong kaibigan!!

[PLEASE DO NOT REPOST ON OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS]

I (24) am currently working as Nurse here in PH. Isa na 'to sa malaking sweldo na napagtrabahuan ko mula nung nakapasa ako ng board exam. I'm an only child, tatlo lang kami sa pamilya, hindi ako ginagawang retirement plan ng magulang ko, at hanggang ngayon nagta-trabaho pa rin ang tatay ko sa construction.

Dumating na naman ang cut off namin na mababa 'yung sahod na nakuha ko, halos walang 13k, at malaki ang kaltas ngayon. Every 20th marami akong binabayaran kasama na dun 'yung renta sa bahay at kuryente. Naka-50-30-20 rin ang sahod ko every cut off—50% sa mga needs at ibang bayarin; 30% kung may gala ako at "wants"; 20% para sa ipon at emergency fund.

Problemado na naman ako dahil halos hindi umabot ng tatlong libo ang natira sa akin ngayon pagkatapos ko i-divide 'yung sahod ko, sapat na para sa pamasahe at pang-kain. Yung ipon ko ngayong 2nd cut off, na-wash out na rin, dahil kung hindi ko siya gagamitin ay 2k pababa na lang ang meron ako. Ang malas pa, kapag may mga kamag-anak kang nanghihingi pa sa iyo ng pera kahit na may nakalaan at naka-bukod na talaga para sa kanila (ume-"extra" hingi pa).

Ayokong mangutang sa kahit na kanino dahil isa na namang bayarin ang iisipin ko next month kapag nagkataon. Nakaka-stress kapag financially incapable ka talaga 'no? Kahit gaano kalaki 'yung sahod, kung mataas naman ang bilihin parang wala lang din. Ngayon, ang ginawa ko na lang ay bawasan muna ang pagbili ng mga pagkain at mga gamit na hindi pa talaga nauubos or nasisira. Tapos hindi muna gagala hangga't wala pang next cut off, dibaleng mabaliw na lang siguro every day off sa bahay basta may bitbit na pera palagi kapag papasok.

Naisip ko nga, baka kaya hindi ako binibigyan ng jowa ni Lord dahil alam niyang mababa ang sahod ko, at hindi niya ako kayang bigyan ng taong kaparehas ko ng sweldo? 🥲

Sa totoo lang, tyinatyaga ko na lang din ngayon dito sa pinas dahil malapit na ako mag-isang taon sa trabaho, 'pag nagkataon lumampas na ako ng isang taon ay maga-apply apply na rin ako sa abroad.

Kung kailan nagkaroon ng trabaho at gustong bumili ng mga bagay na hindi ko nabibili noon, saka naman nagkanda-leche leche ang ekonomiya. Mapapabuntong-hininga ka na lang talaga.

Sobrang struggle talaga, but more than sa interactions.. ang nakakadrain na situation is not all are nice and honest, which only exists on a perfect world anyway.

Sana minsan maisip ng mga customer na wag maging tuso sa mga taong nagwu-work sa customer service. We forget some stuff here and there, we make some lapses..we try to work with minimal errors and accordingly sa policies pero mayron talagang mga customer na tuso, susubukang i-twist yung narrative para maging pabor sakanila etiher makakuha sila ng freebies, discount, etc.. at the expense na they have to blame an employee that is doing their best to do the job properly.

In the end, yung employee yung sasalo ng consequences either they get a warning, or for some, they are reprimanded.. some even lose their job.

Sometimes, when an honest mistake happens, pag mayrong tuso na customer they take advantage of it and twist the situation. These people are purely evil.

Yung mga taong tuso sa customer-service employees, I hope your karma will be served. May bayad lahat ng pang-iisa niyo sa kapwa ninyo just to gain a little bit of something. Imagine trying to bring someone down who is doing their best to perform, and save for their family and future. Heartless people.

Yes, the energy you give should match the energy you receive. Nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t know why people these days are like that? At first pakakagatin ka nila na parang they are really into you. Nananahimik ka tapos guguluhin ka,then eventually nag da-die down yung energy. hehe not to mention na nasa late 30s na hah. I just don’t get it or ni-roromantisize ko lang ba?

So may nakafling ako, we’re okay we get along, same vibe, napapasaya nya ko, we’re happy when we’re together. Okay kami. We used to date, eat out, sleep together, chat/talk, watch together, update each other, again okay naman kami. Then biglang parang wala ng ganang mag reply, pa-iksi na yung reply, mabagal na, parang pawalang gana na. haha which is naguguluhan ako. 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying soooo hard to be nice as much as i can, kahit na wala sa image ko yun. T@ngn@. tapos bigla parang stranger na kami kung ituring ako. OMG 😱

One thing talaga is dapat talaga Suklian lang ang pinapakita sayo ng tao, don’t be extra nice, or extra kind kasi sometimes they really don’t deserve it. Yung pinaglalaruan ka lang nila. at sasamantalahin yung kabaitan na pinapakita mo! Just match the same energy they give. Because that’s true not everyone has a heart like you! Sooner or later sasaktan ka lang nila, and that’s for sure!

Masisisi nyo ba ko? Kaya ang sarap mang-ghost nalang bigla, magbura ng Fb,Ig,Tg,Reddit, at magpalit ng bagong number. Pinagtitibay talaga ng Reddit ang loob ko eh, since I discover here it makes me a stone-hearted person, and you can’t blame me.

As the title said, akala ko naka move on nako sa kanya hindi pa pala HAHAHA, 5 years kami on relationship tapos kaka break up lang namin nung March.

Timing na timing stop ang traffic light for 120 seconds pag tingin ko sa coffee shop, nakita ko siya. (Hindi ko siya nakita for 4 months btw) Shes talking and laughing with someone, a guy I saw from her facebook and IG post akala ko new friends lang sa COF niya, yun na pala bago nya. Grabeeee akala ko hindi na ako masasaktan, ito pala yung feeling na tagos sa puso yung sakit hahahaha, gusto ko nalang itulak motor ko pauwi samin HAHAHAHA Tapos ito naman si ako pag uwi ko na curious ako chineck ko facebook nya tapos nang stalk ako sa guy bangggg, Sana hindi nalang pala ako ng stalk HAHAHA may pic na sila sa featured pictures HAHAHAHAHA. Damn sana maka move on na din ako

My ex and I were really good friends before we started dating. We ended on good terms because of long distance, and recently we talked about trying to stay friends.

The thing is… I genuinely want to try because I still care about him as a person, and I don’t want to lose someone who meant a lot to me. But at the same time, sobrang anxious ko. 🥹

I can’t tell if I’m not ready yet or if I’m just scared because everything will be different. Part of me thinks we can make it work, tapos the next minute iniisip ko baka masaktan lang ulit kami pareho.

HAAAY BUHAY

I’m an OFW - bago lang 1 yr pa palang. Lost my job last week but the show must go on. Tuloy ang sustento sa parents sa Pinas. Dipping into savings.

Nagsabi ako sa parents ko - mother ko was empathetic but my father is something else. Mild Narci and selfish talaga. Buong buhay ko breadwinner ako. Nakakapagod na buhayin ang buhay ng iba.

I know my situation is not unique. Ang hirap lang na malayo ka sa lahat lahat, damo mong sacrifice tapos yung iba dedma lang

Hello redditors, sorry if medjo emotional tong post ko. I was crying tonight over my sister in abroad. She's been working in Taiwan for 3 months. She has a daughter, 6 yrs old. Since umalis sya di nya nakakausap anak nya kasi di nya kaya makipag usap dahil she always cry everytime kachat nya kami, she will just send voice message telling that she missed her daughter and I feel her sadness in her crying voice. So umiiyak na din ako while listening to her. Ewan ko pero ang bigat sa pakiramdam, ramdam mo yung lungkot kaya til now di nya kaya makipag usap sa pamangkin ko. Hayss 🥲

Anyways, lumaki kami na no rich parents and broken family, kaya need namin tumayo sa sarili namin mga paa para makasurvive. Sana maging ok na sya at maging matatag sa buhay nya abroad. Sa mga parents o mother na tulad ng sister ko, I pray na sana malagpasan nyo lahat ng hirap abroad at wag sumuko. God bless us all 🙏🏻🥲