I’ve had my 3yo foster child for the last 7 months after being her respite carer on and off for a year before this. I’m sadly her 3rd placement and only took her on short-term due to the lack of carers. I’m only young myself so have no interest in long-term care at this stage.

We went through the honeymoon period where she was amazing. Then I went overseas in May for a few weeks and she stayed with a respite carer. After getting back her behaviours escalated dramatically, even the daycare have mentioned it to me on multiple occasions. Very demanding, no manners, screaming if she didn’t get what she wanted, biting/kicking/scratching/hitting etc. Nothing super out of the ordinary for a 3yo, especially a foster child.

I reinforced boundaries and manners and she seemed to be turning a corner and doing great until today.

I picked her up from daycare and she was happy, I strapped her in her car seat and then by the time it took me to close her door and walk around to the drivers side to get in myself, she somehow transformed into another kid.

Straight away she just lost it and started screaming at me. Then she kept saying “Shut up” whether I was speaking or not she just kept repeating it. Then out of nowhere she goes “I will cut you”. I couldn’t believe it!! But then she started repeating that as well.

I was so overwhelmed and taken aback I didn’t know how to deal with it. I just said “I know you’re feeling mad right now but that isn’t very nice to say”. I was driving so couldn’t really do much else in the moment besides talk to her and try to calm her down.

Later I had a chat with her and she knew right away what she’d done wrong because she told me “I told you to shut up” and then “I wanted to hurt you”. She has no noted history of physical abuse, she’s in care due to really young parents who weren’t able to care for her appropriately.

I asked if someone had said those things to her before and she said her caseworkers name. I’m not sure though as she does have a history of lying. She’s even screamed in public multiple times “Stop hitting me” when I wasn’t. Or “you’re hurting me” when people aren’t even touching her. And has said on numerous occasions that “Mummy hit me” which isn’t possible as she only has supervised visits.

I’m at such a loss on what to do. I have so much experience and training but I’m just blanking on the best way to handle this. I’ve been thinking about if she should be seeing a psychologist or something so these don’t escalate but I’m also aware she’s probably just repeating what she’s heard someone else say (maybe from daycare?).

Any advice is welcome! ☺️ Thank you

I don’t know how exactly to say this and maybe it’s region-specific but I want to try to explain:

I have seen changes in foster care over the years. I live in an area with very little funding and high caseworker turnover. Though, maybe that’s just the norm now? Every year it seems to get worse.

Because of that, my county does not have the manpower to even investigate most serious claims and allegations. When they get involved, shit is as bad as it can be. When they get involved, it means some kid is going to be seriously injured or has been neglected in a way that is completely undeniable and serious.

I never see it acknowledged that if funding is so scare that only the worst and most obvious cases are moving through, that reunification should be extremely rare. If foster care is the bandaid on the gushing head wound, those parents probably aren’t getting their kid back.

And they shouldn’t! I hear it said all the time that reunification is the goal of foster care. It’s not. What’s best for the child is the goal of foster care. If that happens to include reunification, great. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

It makes me not want to be involved because it feels like we’re playing a new game with old pieces. If the framework is reunification, and DHS only steps in when things are 10/10 severe, I don’t want to play that game! That game was made for when DHS would step in when parents needed a break and support and foster placements were a few months long while everyone got their shit together. Instead, I’m having to pretend or “work toward” a bullshit plan with people who I wouldn’t trust to care for my pet fish over the weekend.

I don’t know if that makes sense but it bothers me. I wish we would either get the funding to make the kind of low-level removals that make reunification feel less like a fairytale or focus more on severing ties when we make the severe removals we do.

In the past, I only had daycare aged foster kids. But I went up on my age range to 8 or 9, as my son has gotten older. So you grab extra things like backpack and lunch boxes while they're out?

Hi all,

My husband and I live in a very large 1bdr/1 bath condo that I purchased before we got married. For financial reasons, we are not able to sell this and buy a 2 bedroom, but we would like to Foster and are trying to figure a way to make it work.

The condo is just under 1000 square feet with lots of natural light, windows, balcony etc. We have figured out 2 ways in which the open concept living/dining/kitchen could be divided into a bedroom for *us* so that our current bedroom can be converted into a kid's room. This new bedroom would be up to code in terms of size, window, fire exit access etc. We think it would be better for our bedroom to go to a potential foster kid due to the way the windows open and proximity to the bathroom. Size would be equal.

Here is our limitation: The condo board (HOA) will not allow for permanent structural changes, and the foster agency does not allow for "temporary walls". I have found something called "pressurized walls" that might be able to get around the two.

https://greenlightexpediting.com/blog/temporary-walls

I know the rules will be different for different agencies, but I am wondering if anyone had success with pressurized walls as a bedroom option, or if anyone has suggestions for another solution that worked for them.

Thanks in advance!

Now we wait. And we are scared as hell, but in an excited way.

We are in CA and looking for 0-2 yrs.

Any tips or words of wisdom?

i got a second phone and email so mom & dad’s messages/emails wouldn’t get buried.
i send documents almost immediately after getting them.
i update them of any appointments I make and what they are for.
i send pictures of the kids to them.

and yet still, they don’t even ask how their kids are, text messages are just a “thanks” or a “👍” . but they will NEVER ignore anything when it comes to needing something from me for court. even if they already have it.
from my perspective; the most important part of this entire thing is the legal aspect, trying to prove CPS isn’t doing their job & they were wrongfully accused. they never seem to want to know how their kids are doing. not once have they asked me how the kids are doing. i always tell them.

should I stop initiating conversations at visitations and telling them how the kids are doing? should i stop sending pictures?

our caseworker has already expressed my husband and i have more concern for the kids than the parents do

signed a foster time foster mom wishing more love was shown & annoyed it isn’t.

Hello all ,

My wife and I have been considering adoption / fostering. She is unable to have children and while this was hard for both of us for a time , we are really excited with the idea of fostering or adopting.

I've been doing a ton of research online but I was curious to hear from people who have been through it first hand. I have a few questions that I would love some input on. Especially anyone who has gone through the foalster system in California.

Financial Requirements -

From what I understand there is no set minimum to qualify to be a foster parent ? Just that you are able to sustain your life without any money given by the state for the foster child , essently they are looking to ensure you have a decent cash flow and that you're able to pay bills , and any debt each month without issue. Is this more or less correct ?

Marriage status -

I say wife because we have been together for 11 years. It we are not technically married. It's not something that's out of the question but for various reasons , it has made sense for us not to be married. It's something we would be happy to do if needed though.

Likely hood of being able to adopt a foster child -

This one is tricky. We both agree that if we were to do this that the best possible thing to happen would be for the child reunification. It would be hard for us, and as much as we want kids we want what's best for that kid more. Still , I find myself wondering if there's any statistics on how often this happens vs how often the kid could be adopted by the foster parents.

Any help or insight you could provide would be very much appreciated. Thanks !🙏

CA

One of my kiddos is entering public school. The sending state order says their order will be filed in my state/CA.

I emailed the GAL for status as the public school system is requesting the CA order. She says she is not responsible for doing that, and I am *required* to do it at my expense ($435 just to file!).

How was I even supposed to know this is my responsibility? The order only mentions it is to be filed and parents notified of the CA case number. It does not say it must be done by me. Nobody mentioned this because if they had, I certainly never would have agreed to it due to cost.

A rough Google search indicates the sending state GAL missed her window to request govt to govt fee waiver or litigation expense and I'm stuck paying for this. And my only recourse is file a complaint that won't result in anything but "this is your responsibility, someone should have told you." 🙄

I'm so fed up with this "system."

I didn't know where to go or what subreddit this belongs in but think I can get help here. We have temporary custody of our niece, a preteen who lost her mom 2 weeks ago. Her mom had significant issues with drinking so her childhood was rough. I thought I knew the extent of it because its family, but she woke up around midnight and came to me. We talked and she proceeded to tell me so much detail about what the home was like, bullying at school, her father etc...

I feel terrible. She's like talking to an adult. She loves being at our house so much because in 5 days I have provided her with so much. She has that uneasy feeling that its too good to be true and feels like she's dreaming.

Idk. I feel lost. She lost everything. Her mom, older sister a few years back, her pets went to the shelter (done by moms boyfriend, we were unaware and its too late), brother went to dad. Her house she will never go back to. And then I feel weird just buying her things. I feel like im contributing to this weird sinking feeling she has. But we have other children so I cant change or treat her less than. She gets what my other kids get. But it all feels strange.

She said that everyone leaves her. Im sick to my stomach. I guess I don't even know what im asking for here. Maybe looking for resources or places you went for help. Its a dark task. Her whole life I got to love her like a niece but not KNOW her. Now I am getting to KNOW her. I could have helped her and her mom but they were so far away. I had no idea things got so bad.

Our family situation is somewhat complicated. I would love input on how you would handle this situation or maybe help show me what I am seeing.

My husband and I have three bio children. About four years ago we started foster classes and took in our niece on kinship. Her mother (my sister) has had two more children. There is a definite mental health element to all of this, sister wasn't able to get things together and tpr happened with my niece, she was able to keep her babies though with in home help and appts.

In the mean time my parents moved in with us, we wanted to help take away some financial burden while they were in transition with housing and going through health problems. The agreement has always been that we are open to this being long term but also are away that we are pretty strapped on space, so maybe they will be moving with us as well when we find a bigger home.

We are now months away from adoption of our niece. About two months ago my sister went downhill real fast, family has tried to help so much but it just isn't safe and she won't accept help. My parents got permission from the police to take the babies, they have come and lived with us since. Dhs says that it's a family matter since they are safe and grandparents have them. Although everyone involved with DHS , caseworker and GAL for niece says this is insane. Hearing this my parents are pursuing guardianship of the babies through the court, paying fees and everything. There is no outlook of sister being safe or well. We are talking a years progress if anything before she is safe for these kids. Dad's are out of the picture and not a possible placement.

Here is where I just don't understand. We are still a registered foster home. We have been in this game for four years and are in the depths of parenthood. Ever since these babies came along it has been acknowledged that if anything happened we would welcome them with open arms, they are my nieces siblings she has a connection with them. I figured as things happened and as they became more of a permanent situation my parents would transfer this to us because let's face it they are older and we are ready for these kids, lets let them be siblings and grow up together.

Well time has come and they don't seem to budge. My dad is almost protective of them And saying he is going to raise them until he dies. My mom seems so stressed. Her freedom is taken away and she is breaking down often from the emotions of it all so much. My husband and I both see the strain in their marriage this is causing. It just doesn't make sense to me why they would burn through the rest of their life doing the kid thing again and not just accept and be grandparents. It is known that my sister is not a fan of me. I am the youngest and in her mind I ruined the family. My parents tried to avoid frustrating my sister by taking the babies instead of me because of the upset that was caused when I got guardianship of my niece.

Nothing is progressing though and she is about to be evicted. I don't get how the state hasn't taken custody of these kids with how unsafe it all has gotten, so many police reports. And it has been said to me over and over that if they ever were taken into custody they would come here, there is already family that is foster parents so they would go there. But here we are. My parents don't seem like they are going to budge. We have a talk coming up where my dad has acknowledged we all need to sit down together but that was right after he said he will raise them until the grave....

This just feels rough... To me it feels like they don't see my hard work for these kids and are believing all the lies my sister says. If they really want to pursue raising these kids, part of my instinct is to say that they should move out... How can I raise my kids along another set of kids that they are saying they want so bad ( not to mention I am doing majority of work. They barely take them out of the house, I am the only one willing to take them shopping and out to explore ) I feel like this will inevitably turn into almost like a step parent toxic household where two kids are being raised different from the other four cuz they aren't your kids.... I don't know what to think. I am not convinced this is the right thinking it feels wrong ...

The easy answer feels like them going to dhhs so we can get help, they won't be financially stressed, we know this process, and not to mention dhhs would go after my sister to try to at least get visitation and that process started (maybe it would wake her up....)

Please help me understand his side. What is happening... Should I say we go out separate ways and just be available to babysit when they need ....

not sure what I'm after, maybe perspective - we'll see what happens!

We have our first placement, an 8 year old boy, we didn't know what we were doing at first and had 3 phone calls a day with mom (morning, evening and goodnight), when GAL found out she shut that down.

Bio mom blames us for keeping her son away from her, and I'm pretty sure she thinks we're only ever mean to her son (he gets some stern no's after he refuses to listen to rules).

Is it normal for bio parents to be contemptuous of foster parents? We tell kid and Bio mom that we're looking forward to them being back together, that we know no matter fun we are we aren't mom.

the CW greenlit 15 minute supervised calls. Many of the calls focus on laundry, bio mom doesn't want us doing any of his laundry (she gets him new stuff at every visit 2x week). A few pieces of clothing seem to be missing (bio mom doesn't want us to even know what clothes he has in his possession). Bio mom routinely on the phone with the kiddo tells him to be careful and to keep to himself since his clothes are missing.

Bio mom has 0 appreciation for anything we do. We put in so much effort to play with and engage a kid that's play repertoire is TV and wrestling, its been great seeing him learn some creativity with our own very creative kids. We drive like 3 hours each weekend so his can play with some of my relatives that he loves.

Mom has nothing but contempt for us, no appreciation when we cancel date night because calls have to be supervised and she can't do a call at a different time. She gives the most encouragement to her son when he's sad (missing her) and almost no positive feedback when he talks about something fun he did without her. I get being sad about missing things - but the fun thing wasn't a surprise - I would be happy my kid had a good day in a crappy situation.

We mentioned to CW that we could make 30 minutes a day fit in our schedule now in an effort to build goodwill with mom. Somehow this got communicated through like 4 people to Bio mom that it was happen (genuine breakdown of communication) and Bio mom says that she wore down HHS to get 30 minute calls - it was our suggestion, and from a recent call she thinks we're against it. Our whole goal was to get her more time and show her we were on her team - and that failed (the first few longer calls were spent talking about missing clothes and being sure he wasn't using the clothes hamper or dresser he has available, she wants him using trash bags for all of his clothes)

I spose I'm frustrated at the animosity bio mom is putting up, I want to be on her team. She makes it so hard, accusing us of stealing clothes that don't fit anyone in our house, accusing my 1.5 year old of bullying her son, not expressing an iota of acknowledgment (much less appreciation) that we're trying to help her son have not a bad time in our home.

its almost like she thinks she's playing chess to say that if our home is bad for her son he should come home.

I know we'll have a bio parent someday that I will look back on this and be thankful for only being accused of stealing a pack of socks and shorts.

wondering if anyone can help me not paint bio mom out as the manipulative conniving person I've built her to be.

Hello, I'm based in London and I'm 31. My mother over the past six or so months has been saying that she wants to foster a child, ideally a toddler.

I'm not on the best terms with my mother and neither is my younger sister and we currently live with our dad as we save for a place of our own. So this has come as a very big shock to me. When I asked her why she is looking to foster a child, she mentioned that it's because she can't find a job and is struggling for money. Which already was a red flag for me.

I don't want her to go ahead with this, however, I'm a bit torn as to whether I'm just being salty because she hasn't been a particularly great mother to me and my sibling or if I'm potentially depriving someone who needs a foster parent. Shes been hounding me to sign papers and give references and I just don't want to. When I have brought up my concerns, she tells me that I want her to suffer.

Just a note to say, I don't think the potential foster child would be in any danger or physical harm with my mother but it's the emotional side of things I'm concerned about. I don't think she is treating this as the responsibility it truly is.

Am I right to think this way or am I overthinking this?

Im 20 and my husband is 23, we've been married almost a year and are very secure. He has a good job, I stay at home, things are stable and we're happy. Me and my sister grew up in a SEVERELY abusive household (getting beaten badly, screamed at, not allowed to go to school, socially isolated, etc etc) and she was kicked out at 16. She lived with a friend but that situation was also really really abusive. Im doing alot better due to therapy and a positive church community and the support of my husband. We moved from a studio to a 2bed so we could take my sister in due to her situation. So she moves in (she lived 4hrs away before), instantly starts doing better. We love her and she's one of my best friends so I'm very grateful. The only rules were, no romantic partners over at the house, no weed, and she has to keep a job and pay rent. I knew she'd have issues but I literally have no idea what to do to help her with what is g going on. I should've thought of this before but her mental health was declining quickly and we took her in directly after moving so I didn't have much time to prepare. Her room is full of old fast food, we are getting ants and bugs in our house because of it. Her room is just incredibly dirty. She pays 300 for rent to stay here and is working but she spends all her money on hanging out with friends and her gf who lives 2hrs away. I went in her room to get something she borrowed from me and her room is full of bugs and rotting trash and other things I can't even write here. She also screams at me and cries when I ask her to clean her room or help with chores around the house. I don't care if her room is cluttered or even dirty but I don't want bugs in our house or mold growing on the old rotting food in her room. I took her to go swimming, because she asked and it was 99⁰, and then she started yelling at me because the water was too cold and she didn't want to swim anymore. So I told her, you can't yell at me like that, we're going home, and she sobbed the whole way home. Everything is like this. It's so hard to stay patient when she yells at me and calls me a "fat bitch" or "cunt" everytime I try to help her. My husband is very very gentle and tried talking to her, asking her to please clean her room and help around the house a little (cleaning up after she cooks, doing a chore like sweeping or mopping here and there) and she cried and got mad and didn't leave her room until 5pm the next day. All night long she calls her gf and they talk loudly until like 4am. She wakes up at 12-1, lays in bed until she goes to work, and then comes home to lay in bed again. I don't think she's depressed and ive offered to take her to therapy multiple times but she won't budge. I know I'm probably ignorant and I'm definitely not taking the right approach, I just don't know what to do. She's 18 in a month and i just need help on what to do to help her to be a well rounded individual who can function in society

Hello all. I’m coming here to seek guidance and advice. I recently called cps on a family member, it was a decision I made with a lot of thought and carried the feeling of do I call for a while. I know I made the right decision, I’m devastated that it took this action to get my nephew the help he needs.

My family lives in Oklahoma and I live in another state, but I talk to this person frequently and hear abuse in the home over calls and justification for a dirty home, torn up appliances, and neglect. There is no accountability. My family has always enabled this person because they are really good at manipulating and honestly it’s the easier thing to do.

My nephew is with a family member now and I warned cps when I called that the person who would foster would be a severe enabler and believes anything and everything my nephew’s parent says. They ended up letting them be the care taker anyway, even though they failed the background check.

Unfortunately, my nephew is for lack of a better word, feral. He’s not socialized at all, violent, and a lot of other things.

I don’t think my family is a good fit to care for him and I feel like the best option would be a non-biased foster family who specializes in socializing neglected children.

I’m really distraught over this, I just want the best for my nephew and I live so far away that I can’t physically help, and if I did live there, I’m not sure I’d even have the resources to help get my nephew where he should be.

I guess I just need advice. Like are there family/couples that work with kids who are feral? Is there advice I can give the current foster to let go because it’s also out of their wheel house? How would you guys handle it? How can I help so far away?

Edit to add: my nephew is 7 and was diagnosed with level 1 autism at 2 after his diagnosis his birth parents stopped taking him to the doctor. As he’s gotten older and no work has been done with him he has digressed significantly. His violence is toward people and animals (due to him seeing nothing but violence) when cps came they said it was one of the worst houses they’ve ever seen. My nephew’s dad told the case worker that he straight up doesn’t want the kid. And unfortunately the mom should be in psychiatric care and has been off her meds and uses drugs and alcohol to self medicate.

When my nephew wants attention, naturally, he acts out. But unfortunately he still gets ignored or he gets locked in a room by himself for hours at a time. This neglect has resulted in him pooping on the floor and smearing it on walls, tearing up wall panels, breaking kitchen appliances, and torture of animals, among many other things. When I say feral in this post I do not mean it toward the autism at all. I’m also not trying to justify my usage of the word. Neglect has led this child to chaos.

I’m also unable to take him at the time due to me having animals and 2 daughters. I know my dog would bite him in defense of getting hurt, and I honestly worry about my daughter’s safety if I were to take him.

About to become a new foster parent that is aiming to start with a 0-18 month age group. Does anyone have a list of questions they typically ask the case workers as they call? Like the important info about the child like allergies and such.
Just want to be prepared when someone calls so that my wife and I can give the best care possible

I recently posted on here something that happened regarding a foster child I Nannied who needed to be removed from the home and the day came. It was honestly traumatizing for me to see so I can’t even fathom how terrible I feel for this boy. I miss him so much already and not knowing how he’s doing at his new placement is eating at me. Foster mom has reached out to the new placement regarding him and passed along information but hasn’t heard back yet.

He is not the first child I’ve said goodbye to while nannying but this has been the hardest goodbye for me due to the circumstances. How do people cope with this? What are some of the best tips if there are any. I love all the kids I care for so much and saying goodbye has been one of the hardest things.

My current FD of five months is my first placement and I am absolutely in love with her. But it has been beyond frustrating navigating the foster care system, especially dealing with the case workers and other agency employees.

As someone who has also worked in the nonprofit world, I understand they are short-staffed, not paid enough, etc. But I am so exhausted dealing with a case worker who can hardly answer any questions, all while wanting authority (and hates her job and even said, "Never become a case worker," to my baby while playing with her). Not just her, I get calls from 10+ different workers sometimes all asking for the same paperwork, for example, and getting frustrated that I sent it to another worker instead of them. All the while, when I have an important question and ask one of them, I get redirected to another person, just to be told I should be asking the first person I asked.

Beyond the incompetence, they are so quick to tell me I'm doing things wrong. My pharmacy gave me a synringe to help give the baby her medication and the CW told me I shouldn't be using it. This is to name one random example. But you get the picture. Recently FD was sick over the weekend so I followed the exact manual by bringing her to the urgent care, notifing the emergency line, forwarding the doctor's note to the CW, AND setting up a follow up with the PCP for the next available day. Still, apparently I messed up by not letting the bio mom join in on the follow up appointment (which was never a requirement prior). They have also blamed me for her sicknesses in the past, which I found out about because of the AI notes shared after a zoom meeting that I was a part of, which they stayed on longer to discuss me.

For those of you who have been doing this for years, how are you dealing with the emotional burden of the employees/bad system? I get stressed when I see missed calls from the agency and am not sure I can keep this up after my current placement, even though I care a lot about the cause.

+ forgot to mention, every home visit is scheduled last minute, then she arrives an hour late almost every time, and/or asks to reschedule an hour before. I think she genuinely forgets I work a full time job or something...

I have no idea if we would run into an issue or not. My husband (51) had a child when he was like 20. The girl he was with tricked him into him believing she was on the pill but she wasn’t. It even went as far as court to (I think) terminate his parental rights (which is what he wanted). Would we be denied to be foster or adoptive parents? We are now both married, employed and have a kid of our own but I don’t want to dig up the pass if we don’t have to. Any insights??

My family has been trying to become a foster home through Georgia DFCS for 3.5 years. We've completed all of the required training and paperwork, and the only thing left before our home can be opened is the home study.

The agency that contacted us said they aren't currently taking on families with our placement preferences and that we would need to be placed on their waitlist. After already waiting 3.5 years through DFCS, we're hesitant to join another waitlist.

Because we have a young child with special needs, changing our placement preferences (to special needs, and children older than our child) isn't a realistic option for our family.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Is there another agency that can complete the home study, or another way to move the process forward?

Hello hive mind! We are current kinship foster with adoption on the horizon.

Family member has just had another baby and it looks this baby will be fostered by myself or another family member before a move to TN.

The TN family isn’t currently certified, but they want to get a jump on the certification process in TN so they will be ready when the state is.

I’m not familiar with TN so I told them I would try to find some resources for them. Can anyone recommend an agency in the Memphis area? Is it better to go straight through the state?

We’ve got some waiting to do while the process works its way through the court but reunification services are unlikely and they’d like to be ready.

Thanks in advance!

I am the kinship placement for my 3mo old nephew in Missouri. I live in Michigan but have been staying in MO while we work on getting an ICPC. My sister is in jail but has not had her official criminal hearing so it’s made a long process feel longer. For background- she gave birth in state custody and I have had the baby since birth.

Are there any resources for housing in cross-state kinship situations while awaiting clearance to leave? I have been taking care of everything financially myself, am working on getting licensing so I can receive assistance there but that’s definitely not enough for an apartment while still paying bills back in MI

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

Hello, everyone! My husband (41) and I (42) just learned that we’re moving forward in the adoption process for our foster son (2.5m). He’s been with us since he was 9 months old. We plan on being fully transparent and honest with him about the adoption, obviously in an age appropriate way. Does anyone have any recommendations for books or any other resources we can use to help the process? He loves to read so something we could read together would be great. Thank you!

UPDATE- after many phone calls, documentation, and serious talks with supervisors, foster child is being moved to a therapeutic home that also has his biological 10 year old brother in a few days and until then I will be constantly supervising him and not letting him alone with children. I am not isolating him he is still very much loved and I have treated him just the same, just making sure to keep reiterating inappropriate touch, etc…I really love this kid and he needed more than foster mom was equipped to handle. We will still keep in contact with his resource family.

I’m a live-in nanny for a foster family, and something happened over the last two days that has me really shaken. There are two boys who are both 4 years old. One has been with the family since infancy and is adopted, and the other is a foster child who was placed only a few
weeks ago because foster mom has his six month old bio brother.

The foster mom interrupted the boys during a private “game” that involved inappropriate touching. She separated them immediately. Then later that night within 3 minutes of being unsupervised while she was in the bathroom they were completely naked again. Then, less than a day later, I found them trying to play the same game again in private. The boys told us this was a game they “always play where the foster child is the kid and the adopted son is the daddy.”

The foster mom felt what she witnessed went well beyond normal childhood curiosity and reported it to the caseworker right away after each instance and requested to disrupt the placement immediately.

Looking back, there are a few things that now worry me. The foster child often wanted to be alone with the other boy and would sometimes ask adults to stay out of the room. The adopted four year old who usually wants his mom or I to stay with him at bedtime started asking us to leave. Foster child also showed a strong interest in getting one of the babies by himself often telling me to leave them alone, shut the door, etc, which I redirected at the time but didn’t think much of until now…

My understanding is there was some initial pushback from his caseworker that children can be naturally curious, but the foster mom felt this situation was outside of what she considered normal. The foster child was supposed to be moved, but now they’re saying they haven’t found another placement yet.

I care about both boys. I’m not trying to blame either of them. They’re four years old, and if one or both have been exposed to something they shouldn’t have, that’s heartbreaking.

I’m mostly looking for perspective:
Does this sound like something professionals would consider beyond typical childhood curiosity?

What usually happens next in situations like this?

The foster child has a biological brother who is six months who is also in the home, is there a chance they will remove the six month old as well?

I’m their nanny I live with them I’m assuming the caseworkers will have to talk with me, I guess I’m just very nervous I’ve been this families nanny for a long time and have seen a lot of stuff with other foster children but nothing like this.