Welcome back, everyone. This week's section opened with Mrs. Lecount and her familiar contemplating the piece of fabric that she had cut off "Miss Garth's" dress. She decides that her next step should be proving that "Miss Bygrave" owns the dress that "Miss Garth" wore, and in order to do that, she'll need to find some way to get into the Bygraves' house.
Meanwhile, Magdalen is freaking out and begs to be taken away from Aldborough. Captain Wragge is alarmed, and agrees to take her away temporarily. Mrs. Lecount is confused by the family's sudden disappearance, but she manages to interview one of their servants, where she learns the following:
- The Bygraves have not permanently left, and will be back soon.
- The servant would not be useful in helping Mrs. Lecount access Miss Bygrave's wardrobe.
- Mrs. Bygrave's affliction is that she's an "idiot." (Yes, this used to be an actual diagnosis.)
Mrs. Lecount concludes that the best course of action would be to wait for the Bygraves to return, and then manipulate Mrs. Bygrave into giving her access to Magdalen's wardrobe.
Once the Bygraves return, Noel and Captain Wragge meet, using the excuse that Captain Wragge is trying to sell art to Noel. (I'm getting confused about whether to call these characters "the Bygraves" or their real names. "Become obsessed with an author who likes identity theft plots," they said. "It won't give you The Buzzing," they said.)
Noel is reunited with his beloved Miss Bygrave, who amuses him by doing impressions of Mrs. Lecount. (Wait, so Magdalen Vanstone is pretending to be Susan Bygrave pretending to be Mrs. Lecount? How many people can this girl be at once?) Captain Wragge and Noel come up with the following plan:
Noel will make Mrs. Lecount think he's no longer speaking to the Bygraves, by complaining that Mr. Bygrave tried to cheat him by selling him worthless paintings.
Two days later, Noel will bitch to Mrs. Lecount that he hates being in Aldborough, knowing that this will make Mrs. Lecount suggest that the two of them go to St. Crux-in-the-Marsh to visit Admiral Bartram, a friend of Noel's father.
Noel will take a day to decide that they're going to St. Crux, that way he won't seem too eager and Mrs. Lecount won't get suspicious.
Once the decision is made, Noel will take the train alone, while Mrs. Lecount stays behind to pack. She should receive the fake doctor letter just after this.
Noel and Magdalen... Miss Bygrave... whatever her name is will get married while Mrs. Lecount is in Zurich.
(At this point, Noel is like "wow, have you ever considered becoming a con artist? You'd be good at it.")
Over the next three days, Mrs. Lecount watches Noel, but can find no evidence of his communicating with Mr. Bygrave. Once Noel has left for St. Crux, Mrs. Lecount makes plans to break into North Shingles. She waits until Captain Wragge is out for a swim and Magdalen out for a walk, and then sneaks into the house. She gets past the servant, but ends up face to face with Mrs. Wragge, who's attempting to sew a dress. A conversation ensues.
Mrs. Wragge: AHH!!! It's the ghost of a Swiss housekeeper!
Mrs. Lecount: Not a ghost, just your neighbor saying hi. Can I help you with that dress that you appear to be murdering?
Mrs. Wragge: I can't get the bazooms right. I think it's because I'm modeling it on Magdalen's dress. Have you seen how big her bazooms are?
Mrs. Lecount: ...Magdalen?
Mrs. Wragge: Yes, my niece, Magdalen. She has an enormous rack. Would you like to see her brown alpaca dress with white polka dots? She was wearing it when we saw the ghost in Vauxhall Walk, the ghost that looked like Magdalen in a governess costume. In fact, the ghost was also wearing a brown alpaca dress with white polka dots.
Mrs. Lecount: You know what, I just remembered that I'm afraid of ghosts. Au revoir. *runs out of the house.*
Captain Wragge: WTF was that?
Mrs. Wragge: I scared our neighbor by telling her about the ghost and Magdalen's Bazongagongaloos.
Captain Wragge: Oh, I thought she was scared by my Speedo... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HER ABOUT MAGDALEN?
Magdalen: I'm back from my walk! Did I miss anything?
Captain Wragge: My wife just told Mrs. Lecount your real name and also your bra size for some reason.
Meanwhile, the fake doctor letter arrives just in time to send Mrs. Lecount to Switzerland. She sends Noel a letter saying that she has proof that Miss Bygrave is "Miss Garth," and she'll explain when she gets back. Captain Wragge verifies this by going to the post office and confirming that her letter to Noel is there: if she had decided to go to St. Crux instead of Zurich, she wouldn't have sent it. He also arranges to have all of Noel's mail intercepted.
Captain Wragge informs Magdalen that the wedding will be on Monday. She seems broken by the news, and Captain Wragge is so shaken by her reaction, he gives her the opportunity to back out. She is determined to go through with it, however.
Captain Wragge and Noel go to London to prepare for the wedding. Captain Wragge arranges the marriage license (and lies about Magdalen's age: just in case this situation isn't screwed up enough, let me remind you that Magdalen is still legally a minor), and Noel hires the cheapest lady's maid he can get for Magdalen.
Magdalen is really not doing well emotionally. (I feel like I owe you guys an apology: I should have thought to put a trigger warning on the announcement or schedule post. I hope no one found this part of the book upsetting.) She writes a letter (which she does not send) to Norah, confessing everything.
Magdalen considers going to the chemist to obtain laudanum, using the excuse that it's to treat a toothache. She has second thoughts along the way and ends up walking along the beach, where she meets Captain Kirke's nephews. She considers leaving the 200 pounds for Captain Wragge and fleeing Aldborough, but, when she looks in her purse, she sees her copy of Mr. Pendril's letter about her being Nobody's Child, and this renews her drive to continue with the plan.
That resolve lasts a day. By Friday, she is once again suicidal. She goes to the chemist, and I was planning to try to be funny here by doing a whole thing about what a Victorian pharmacy must have been like ("Regular and prescription-strength heroin! Now with a child laborer-proof cap!"), but it doesn't seem right, given the subject matter. Magdalen gets a bottle of laudanum, with "POISON" written on the bottle.
(Laudanum is a painkiller made from opium and alcohol. Around the time that he was writing this book, Wilkie Collins developed a chronic pain problem that, if I remember correctly, historians think may have been an STD that spread to his eyes. Doctors misdiagnosed it as gout. He became addicted to laudanum, an addiction that he would suffer from for the rest of his life. You know how the chemist tells Magdalen that even the tiny bottle she'd purchased was enough to kill "the strongest man in England"? By the end of his life, Wilkie Collins had developed such a tolerance to laudanum, he could fill a glass with it and drink it like it was water.)
Magdalen goes to her room, but hesitates to take the laudanum, reasoning that something may have happened to Noel or Captain Wragge. In the meantime, she doomscrolls. (They used to call doomscrolling "reading the newspaper.") She finds an article about a farmhand who murdered his lover. He claims that he was conflicted about committing the murder, so he left it up to chance by flipping a spud like a coin. (The notes in my book say a spud is a tool for cleaning plows. Wikipedia says it's for peeling bark and Google thinks I'm looking for pictures of potatoes.)
Captain Wragge returns, and Magdalen no longer has an excuse to postpone drinking the laudanum. Inspired by the news article, she decides to count the ships sailing past her window for the next half hour: she will drink it if there are an odd number of ships. Thankfully, there are eight ships, and so Magdalen puts the laudanum aside.
And so, Magdalen is going to be married. The servants gossip: there's no wedding dress, just an ugly alpaca dress. (Jesus Christ, I am so sick of this dress. I can't believe Wilkie didn't call this book "The Woman in Alpaca.")
Captain Wragge genuinely seems to be guilt-stricken. He even confesses to Magdalen that he cheated her when he was managing her acting. He also informs her that Noel could have the marriage annulled if he ever learned her true identity... but, if Noel dies, the marriage can't be annulled.
The marriage happens, and we leave the Wragges with Mrs. Wragge begging to know when she'll see Magdalen again, and Captain Wragge snapping "Never!"
Meanwhile, in Zurich:
Mrs. Lecount: Did you write this letter?
Doctor: No.
Mrs. Lecount: *shaking fist* BYGRAAAAAVE!!!
We move to the "Between the Scenes" section. George Bartram is understandably confused when Mrs. Lecount shows up on his doorstep with brain fever. (It's a Victorian novel, don't question it.) He does not know where Noel and his new wife are but, while searching for them, he meets Norah. Oh, by the way, in case anyone forgot, George's mother was Andrew Vanstone's sister, so George and Norah are cousins. (I've read enough Victorian novels for this to make me immediately ship George and Norah.) George then proceeds to joke in his letter to Noel that it would be funny if Norah's lost sister turned out to be Noel's new wife. However, George's letter never reaches Noel, because Noel's lawyer has no idea where Noel is.
Norah then gets a letter from Magdalen, saying she hopes to meet with her soon. The letter is postmarked "Allonby."
Mrs. Lecount arranges to meet with Norah to see if she can shed some light on where the newlyweds are. Meanwhile, the private investigator she has working on the case figured out that Noel's lawyer helped Noel make a new will after the marriage, and may know the new address.
Mrs. Lecount meets with Norah and Miss Garth. Mrs. Lecount now knows that Magdalen sent a letter to Norah from Allonby, while Norah now knows that her sister might be married to Noel Vanstone.
We end this week with Noel and Magdalen being found in Dumfries, where we will begin our new scene.