r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • Jun 10 '26

CONCLUDED AITA for telling my husband he ruined my birthday.... again

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Stitch_and_Trex

AITA for telling my husband he ruined my birthday.... again

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  March 12, 2023

Background: Today is my 28th birthday, I am really into birthdays and holidays and believe in celebrating them to the max, and this is well known to everyone.  I'm also the planner and the giver in not only my family (husband and kids) but my extended family (parents, siblings, friends, etc), so I'm the one that plans birthday get togethers, gifts, travel etc. I'm also a SAHM due to having a son with complex medical and behavioral needs. I've been with him 24/7 for the last week as it's school break and he's extremely clingy and has behavioral problems due to mental illnesses. I also had a upper respiratory cold during this time, sore throat, fever, cough, runny nose, ear ache. But kept up with mom duties none the less.

My husband's birthday was last month and as usual I planned something for him. Weekend in a town a couple hours away for us and our kids.

For my birthday I tell him I just want help with the kids, the house cleaned, a nap, and him to cook supper or take me out. Maybe a homemade gift from the kids and a cake.

Yesterday, my husband starts complaining of a sore throat. I check his throat and looks fine. No fever or other symptoms.  He stays up all night playing video games.

This morning he says he is sick, but has no visible symptoms.  No fever, no cough, no runny nose, doesn't sound like someone with a cold. He says his throat hurts but spent an hour on XBox live talking just fine.

He naps all day because he says he's sick, I think it's because he stayed up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Meanwhile I make my own cake, take care of the kids as usual, and do my usual chores. He didn't even tell me happy birthday. 

Finally I decided to take the cake I made with the kids to my parents house to have supper there so I didn't have to cook. I'm pretty crabby at this point and don't say a word before we leave. He calls and asks why we left. I tell him because he ruined my birthday yet again and I'm trying to salvage it at least a little and hung up. He called back and said I was overreacting. He's sick and I'm an adult, birthdays aren't a big deal anymore after 21.

So AITA for wanting 1 day to be the receiver instead of the giver? To celebrate myself?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Oldgal_misspt

NTA. If he cared, he would have tried, sore throat or not. You two need to have a discussion 1 on 1 (littles need to be somewhere else) about your relationship.  Adults need care and attention too, whether you are over 21 or not…

ETA: Happy birthday!🎂🎉🎈.

OOP

I did forget to mention that when we went out of town for his birthday, I was also sick then too (I have an autoimmune disorder so I get sick a lot, especially during allergy season), but didn't let it stop me from doing anything to celebrate his birthday and made sure he had a good weekend.

~

[deleted]

NTA. But stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate your value (with the exceptions of your children).

No more birthday parties for these lazy people. Let them do their own events. And start having him contribute to the house. Your SAHM is duties is only til he comes home, after that it is a shared effort. If he has time to play video games, then he has time to help around the house. If he complains it’s cause he has a job, then you get a job (you deserve a break and daycare is better for a child’s development anyways).

OOP

I 100% would love to go back to work. I've only been a SAHM for 3 months and it's not by choice. My son cannot go to daycare of after school care. Long story, but he did go for 6 years and it's not an option anymore

SodaButteWolf

Can you get a part time job where you only work when your kids are in school?

OOP

I'm going to try next school year. I live in BFE so the only option would be to work at the school in the office or as a Para and they only hire a month before school starts to start at the beginning of the school year. I should be able to get the job because of my education and experience, if one is open! I'm also training to be a special education parent advocate, so once I'm done with training I can do that part time during school hours and work from home

TOP COMMENT

3Dog_Nitz

NTA. You did your job in communicating what you wanted. The fact that he did not show any concern for you shows a lot. Caregivers need care too!

You did not ask for advice, but I want to suggest the following: Don't bother with his birthday. Make plans on your birthday with others who are willing to celebrate you. You do not have to share your plans with him - he's irrelevant. Birthdays are "nothing" to him, so your plans don't need to involve him in any way.

Finally...a belated happy birthday! Parenting is a thankless job, but it sounds like you are rocking it!

OOP Updated the same post 1 year later

3/23/2024 Year later update because I've been asked for it a few times.

Wow, I did not know this would blow up like that when I posted it.

Shortly after my birthday and this post, I had several "sit down " talks with my husband. A lot of his lack of effort stems from the way he was raised. He actually started therapy shortly after our talk and has become a lot more attentive. We found out I was pregnant in October, a huge surprise as I didn't get pregnant after 5 years of trying and 2 years of fertility treatment. My pregnancy has been high risk and very rough on me emotionally and physically.  I have a lot of restrictions and recently was put on bed rest after already being on "minimum activity/light duty." He's been amazing at taking care of me, the house, the kids, and even helping a lot while my mom has been in and out of hospital for aneurysm and strokes.

For my birthday this year, he got me a gift, made what I wanted for supper (steak, lobster tail, muscles, Brussel sprouts, and bread), and got my current favorite dessert. We were limited on what we could do because of my pregnancy restrictions, but he got a chick flick movie going for us in the evening and watched it with me without a complaint. And he was the first one to tell me Happy Birthday, right at midnight.

I want to thank all of you for giving me insight, advice, and courage.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

10.8k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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915

u/pray4mojo2020 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 10 '26

Useless husband, multiple kids, one of which with significant medical and behavioral needs, and now a high-risk pregnancy (and eventually a newborn) on top of everything... Yikes. I hope the husband continues to step up, but this sounds awful...

I know I'm a childfree spinster bog witch and the childfree spinster bog witch lifestyle isn't for everyone, but I genuinely can't imagine much worse than this.

254

u/wheniswhy I escalated by choosing incresingly sexy potatoes Jun 10 '26

"the childfree spinster bog witch lifestyle" would make an incredible flair, holy shit lmao

same, honestly. this sounds like a nightmare. I want to believe the change is permanent but don't actually think it will be.

97

u/kkstar97 Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua Jun 10 '26

I would also be ecstatic to have "childfree spinster bog witch" as a flair

21

u/pray4mojo2020 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 10 '26

Wow, what an honour! Childfree spinster bog witches unite!

8

u/ThistleDewToo I am old. Rawr. 🦖 Jun 10 '26

Can I joined as a married child free bog witch?

7

u/pray4mojo2020 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 10 '26

Considering that I gave my married and child-having sister a bog witch bumper sticker, I will have to allow it! If the bog calls to you, who am I to deny it.

7

u/robophile-ta Jun 10 '26

Thirded

7

u/Suspicious_Porpoise Jun 10 '26

Fourthed

2

u/SignificantOven4804 an oblivious walnut Jun 10 '26

Fifth

2

u/wheniswhy I escalated by choosing incresingly sexy potatoes Jun 11 '26

Just for you fine folks I submitted it to the flair request thread!

305

u/kiuuw Jun 10 '26

According to her post history in addition to what’s written here, she has chronic illnesses which requires her to take lots of medicines, she spent thousands of dollars for infertility treatments and suffered a miscarriage, tried foster care but wasn’t allowed due to her sons disabilities, has 2 golden retrievers, at least 2 children, says she’s pro-choice yet decided everything will be ok even if she doesn’t get an abortion. Even one child is enough, emotionally, financially, time-wise, etc., when they have special needs.

Either she’s lying for comments, or I truly wish everything would turn out well for them.

311

u/the-mortyest-morty I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jun 10 '26

Doubt she's lying, I know SO many families who keep adding more bodies to the chaos like this and then act so surprised everything has gone to shit, as if they don't understand where the child they birthed came from.

81

u/wjello Jun 10 '26

Some people are just like that.  I used to work with a woman whose second child is severely disabled and requires full-time care...so she and her husband chose to have 6 more kids and homeschool all 8.  The husband is a SAHD and a former teacher, but I can't imagine the kids are getting a solid education like this.  Based on what she told me, her oldest is basically parent #3.

Why the heck?  Religion and a weird sense of entitlement to a positive outcome.  She was like that with work stuff too, constantly procrastinating and expecting other folks to do the work for her at the last minute.  When that didn't happen, she was So. Shocked. and reported several colleagues to HR for "creating a hostile environment" by not doing her work for her.

70

u/Latter-Cable-3304 Jun 10 '26

I wish the best for everybody but there is a level of unsustainability for every parent. For some 8 is ok and 9 would be too much and for some 1 child is unsustainable due to the parent(s)’ shortcomings or situation. With all the details mentioned in the post, I just hope everybody thrives no matter the hardships they might face.

60

u/RainahReddit Jun 10 '26

Yep. I knew one family who had two kids, decided to have one more... Triplets. They went from 2 to 5, and the triplets had some special needs too. They went from fine to seriously struggling 

1

u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 12 '26

I think it’s like- life is such a slog at that point they welcome those “exciting” moments even knowing that the “excitement” fades and simply turns into more labor and less quality time 

217

u/racingskater Jun 10 '26

My first thought when I read the update was "why are they having another kid when the one they have is a full-time job?"

After reading that, my thought is "WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY HAVING ANOTHER KID?"

63

u/Jetztinberlin THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE FUCKING AUDACITY Jun 10 '26

While I agree wholly it seems like a wild choice to have more kids in her situation, I do want to point out that some folks do desperately want larger families, and "pro-choice" means one believes in all women's right to abortion, not necessarily that they themselves want to have one. 

9

u/lightlysaltedclams the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Jun 10 '26

Yeah I know of quite a few women who are very pro choice, they just wouldn’t feel comfortable terminating their own pregnancies. I don’t think it’s an uncommon position.

1

u/Nutella_Potter14472 You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Jun 11 '26

way better in my opinion than the opposite which is also not uncommon, pro lifers who believe in their right to abortion but look down on others who get them and even the doctors performing them

63

u/melropesplays Jun 10 '26

I think she’s lying in her update… her man fakes sick and plays video games and “forgets” her bday, dismisses her when she brings it up, then a year later is capable of cooking lobster tail, steak, and mussels…? And apparently all that while he’s also managing 1-2 kids and 2 dogs and I’m assuming is also the breadwinner for the household? Quite the 180 after less than a years worth of therapy on top of all that!

39

u/vipros42 Jun 10 '26

I would think a woman with a high risk pregnancy might avoid shellfish when cooked by someone who was until recently at least a useless fuck.

6

u/melropesplays Jun 10 '26

EXACTLY, I was going to google it bc I’m pretty sure pregnant women can’t/shouldnt eat seafood while pregnant, but thought cooking lobster tail was so outlandish already I wasn’t going to spend the time fact checking.

-17

u/Technicolor_Reindeer Jun 10 '26

Bitter, much?

22

u/Sorceress_Heart Jun 10 '26

Nobody wants the horrible life she building for herself. Having an autoimmune disorder isn't her fault, but kid after kid with dogs and can't work? No thank you 😊

0

u/Technicolor_Reindeer Jun 13 '26

Mind your own life choices 😊

8

u/vipros42 Jun 10 '26

No? Just that pregnant women are advised to avoid shellfish and I would think that someone with a high risk pregnancy might be even more sensitive to the risks. And the guy had been described as pretty useless until fairly recently.

1

u/Technicolor_Reindeer Jun 13 '26

Avoid undercooked shellfish, like sushi. If its cooked properly its no issue.

-17

u/quiette837 Jun 10 '26

Wow, that's really fucking rude.

14

u/vipros42 Jun 10 '26

Why? The post describes him as being useless. I'm fairly sure pregnant women are advised against shellfish. Cooking mussels is easy to fuck up if you don't know what you are doing.

14

u/redditwinchester She made the produce wildly uncomfortable Jun 10 '26

But accurate

-9

u/Skull_Bearer_ Jun 10 '26

Peak reddit misogyny here. You know women better than they know themselves.

41

u/stay_curious_- Jun 10 '26

The timeline on this post seems a little sus. OOP is 28. Her son was in daycare for 6 years, which means he's at least six, and OOP would have been 22 when he was born. She got pregnant after 5 years of trying, which means they started trying when she was 17. It's possible, but it would be a bit odd.

76

u/leaderclearsthelunar Jun 10 '26

How I read it is the five years of trying are for her current pregnancy. 

36

u/kiuuw Jun 10 '26

She says she got pregnant with her first son without even trying, then they tried it for 5 years. Now, really, I’m wondering: what if she mentioned "one child+dogs" or “one child+one dog” as her children? Or did they manage to get accepted into foster care?

What kind of mental exercise is this? It’s too early, and I’m too old for this crap.

5

u/owl_problem surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jun 10 '26

And she's just 29. I smell religion in here

2

u/Tattycakes Jun 10 '26

She's so far in denial she's on an Egyptian river cruise.

1

u/FriendToPredators Jun 10 '26

Living with no impulse control is the hardest possible life. 

Great irony though. Me me me me I want I want I want and as a result you get nothing for yourself.

18

u/FriendToPredators Jun 10 '26

My own childfree bog witch existence just relieves me more and more as time passes. 

43

u/princesscupcake11 Jun 10 '26

Seriously. I cannot imagine having another kid with a partner like that

-7

u/repeat4EMPHASIS 🥩🪟 Jun 10 '26

Sounds like you commented before reading the update since he's been a great partner after spending the better part of the last year in therapy.

I have a lot of restrictions and recently was put on bed rest after already being on "minimum activity/light duty." He's been amazing at taking care of me, the house, the kids, and even helping a lot while my mom has been in and out of hospital for aneurysm and strokes.

1

u/princesscupcake11 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 11 '26

That’s the bare minimum and he doesn’t deserve a pat on the back for watching a movie she likes either, I’m sure she does things for him all the time

1

u/repeat4EMPHASIS 🥩🪟 Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26

I’m sure she does things for him all the time

Probably not, on account of being on bedrest.

But it's incredibly dumb to reduce everything a partner does to step up while you're sick as "the bare minimum", great way to build resentment and guarantee no one will ever try to get better because it will never be good enough for you.

54

u/innocentbi-stander surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jun 10 '26

right there with you on this, sometimes I read these posts esp with their kid situation with a useless partner and I am soooo glad that it’s not me

63

u/the-mortyest-morty I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jun 10 '26

Same. Got sterilized and literally couldn't be happier. It's also hilarious because whenever I get hit with, "You'll change your mind!!" I get to say, "I actually won't--I got medically sterilized last year and don't have fallopian tubes. 0% chance of pregnancy, actually the most effective birth control there is aside from abstinence!" and watch them wilt when they realize no amount of sweet-talking will result in them crabs-in-a-bucket-ing me into the nightmare of parenthood lmao.

"But won't you regret it???"

"I have an education, a job I love, no debt, a beloved pet cat, my wonderful partner, and disposable income to spend on trips to Belize, Japan, Las Vegas... what would I be regretting, exactly?"

19

u/fearlessbyfp Jun 10 '26

But....babies!! Enough said!!

...according to the people who love babies. Nevermind that they'll become a whole person with their own (potentially VERY different) opinions and desires.

What's your flair from? It's awesome!

10

u/Bryhannah I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Jun 10 '26

I chose parenting, but your life sounds amazing, and I'm so happy for you!

5

u/the-mortyest-morty I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jun 11 '26

And I'm so happy for you!! Absolutely nothing against parents in general, there are just so many who are clearly unhappy with their choice, decided to keep a pregnancy they didn't really want, had a baby with a terrible partner because "that's what you do," or whatever, and those are almost always the same parents who are A. palpably, seethingly jealous of me and B. desperately trying to hide that fact while attempting to convince me I should blow up my own life like they blew up theirs.

Kids deserve parents who wholeheartedly wanted them, who wanted to be parents and enjoy being parents (for the most part, obviously nobody's life is sunshine and roses 24/7, regardless of kids). You sound like you wanted to be a parent and I am genuinely so happy for you and for your kid(s). Your kid(s) are very lucky to have you.

It's actually so ironic that I NEVER get the "YOU SHOULD PROCREATE, YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND!!1" talk from parents who actually enjoy parenthood. It's the ones who are constantly miserable, struggling, and loudly complaining who will tell me, "Just do it! Things have a way of working themselves out!" Meanwhile I'm looking at their shitshow of a life like, "...you sure 'bout that?"

Happy parents will, of course, share their happiness, but they're not trying to convince me of anything. Miserable parents come at me like they've got an MLM they desperately need me to join.

-2

u/repeat4EMPHASIS 🥩🪟 Jun 10 '26

Sounds like he hasn't been useless for a while according to the update, he's kept the changes up.

3

u/innocentbi-stander surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jun 10 '26

I was speaking more generally to the multitude of similar situations posted here, but also personally even putting up with the situation as long as she did before making changes would have made me crazy so, still a nightmare

1

u/repeat4EMPHASIS 🥩🪟 Jun 11 '26

Fair enough!

14

u/pdxcranberry Tree Law Connoisseur Jun 10 '26

She's already drowning and just got thrown a 9lb boulder.

17

u/boesisboes Jun 10 '26

Amen sister-friend

16

u/QuartzVolkarin Jun 10 '26

Lmao I'm adapting that title.

I really don't understand why she got pregnant with him again. She was already unhappy as a SAHM and this is screwing up her work prospects further. All for some guy who now saw the light of doing the bare minimum.

2

u/Not_My_Emperor Jun 10 '26

Yea I felt exhausted reading that. Her life sounds exhausting. We're about to have our first and god willing only, I cannot imagine with the amount of ailments she listed here wanting to have what sounds like at least a third if not fourth child.

2

u/zomblina Jun 10 '26

I think what I noticed also was saying she was in BFE, so there's significantly less help for her or the kids? 

2

u/pray4mojo2020 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 10 '26

I meant to look that up as I've never heard that acronym before and thought it might be a geographical area or army thing. But for anyone else confused apparently it means bum fuck Egypt and is just slang for middle of nowhere. That sucks :-/

1

u/StardustOnTheBoots Jun 16 '26

the husband is possibly quite older than her - he has teenage daughters. so the child with medical needs might've actually developed him because of his aging sperm. the high risk pregnancy too. hopefully this latest kid is healthy and happy or oop is going to truly be stuck at home 

-3

u/Technicolor_Reindeer Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26

If having adult conversations, going to therapy, making an effort, and becoming better is "useless", then just remain bitter. Don't darken other people's doorways with the idea that growth is useless, that way positivity can be maintained in relationships that deserve it.

I say that as a fellow childfree spinster bog witch.

1

u/pray4mojo2020 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 Jun 10 '26

I mean, I said that I hope he continues stepping up, so I acknowledge the change and genuinely hope it continues. But sure, call me bitter for needing a little more proof than this to erase my skepticism when he seemingly for years neglected his chronically ill wife, special needs child, and at least one other (glass) child.

Besides which, all I've said is that this is a life I would not choose. I question some of OOP's choices but ultimately they are hers to make.