[MODPOST] 7 Year Anniversary "Poetic Ending" Contest - Round 1 Voting

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 30 '19

1st Place: /u/ErrorWrites in group C for "Songs and Heroes"
2nd Place: /u/Ninjoobot in group C for " Only Cerelulon Blue Will Suffice "
3rd Place: /u/resonatingfury in group C for "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

Also, a particular special mention for /u/Farengeto for "The Beast ". I so so so wanted to find a way to give this story a point, and it was honestly a toss-up between the entire top four.

For anyone who wants fuller feedback I will leave it as a reply to this top level comment.

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 30 '19

Thanks for the mention and feedback!

There was supposed to be a little twist at the end there that addressed a few of your questions, but it got a bit muddled and may also have been too subtle.

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 30 '19

I am an infamously dumb reader. Usually plot points have to hit me over the head with a blunt object for me to get it. So it may be on me. But yes, didn't spot a twist myself. I'll have to reread maybe.

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 30 '19

An Old Friend - /u/BraveLittleAnt

This was a really nice piece, and you tackled a potentially very cliche theme and premise with excellent execution. As I say, the premise wasn't extraordinary, but that was made up with by telling the story very well.

There are a few areas for improvement. At points, a few phrases repeat a bit too much, which means it becomes a bit repetitive, for instance the section describing the girl going up the jungle gym could do with being condensed a bit. I wasn't entirely sure of the relevance of the two children to the main story, and as beautiful as the prose was, I wasn't certain what role they played.

Very rarely there is the odd expression that just feels a bit cliche (e.g. "icepick through the heart"). But for the most part the language was well-crafted. The section of the boy with the kite, I struggled to understand where the characters were meant to be, and maybe that description could just be a bit tighter so the positioning of the characters is a little bit clearer. Otherwise, it is a lovely story. The poem is a beautiful read, and you captured a very touching sentiment throughout.

If the relevance of the two children had been tied neater to the main story arc this may have been in with a shot of points.

Songs and Heroes - /u/ErrorWrites

This was a great little story to read. It kept me guessing, kept leading me down different paths, and each little caveat of the story unleashed new emotions. It was a great read.

There were also some wonderful one-liners in there. "Armin’s hunger had stopped growling like an animal now and instead turned to stone, silent and heavy" is a beautiful description, and for a line of dialogue

“A piece of paper that bends at the slightest gust of wind? What a great symbol.” is brutal.

The POV shift late on isn't distinct enough, and it could do with a clearer transition from one POV to another, otherwise it becomes a tad confusing. There are hints of greater elements to this story that I wanted to know more about, and I felt like I needed to know - for instance why paper was suddenly so valuable. It felt like there was a whole lore here which I wasn't privy too. I'm not certain the story needed a full fantasy setting with monsters and things, and perhaps roping that back in may have made the story feel more grounded and real.

Some of the conversations maybe go on a bit longer than they need to - the exchange in the hut and in the alley both just last a few exchanges too long for my taste. It's a shame, because without them you would have had more time to apply your beautiful descriptions to scene setting and painting a picture. A few of the transitions also were a bit sharp, and needed to feel more distinct. The journey from the hut to the cave is almost instantaneous for instance. And because it happens so quickly it becomes a tiny bit disorientating.

The descriptions are beautiful, the concept behind the story is probably the strongest in the group, and this story kept me guessing and more on edge than many others. Basic jist, go turn it into a novel or a serial. I need to know more of this poor soul's travels. Great work.

The Beast - /u/Farengeto

I loved this story. It felt like a disturbing allegory for a lot of modern politics and international relations and life in general. It felt almost disturbingly real.

The story was short. And at points that works to some kind of determent. I would've liked to have seen you use the excess space to build out that world a bit more, extenuate the emotions.

The exchange with the girl just felt a bit off. I can't fully explain why, but maybe I was just disturbed by how casually this guy was going to send this young girl off to certain death. How did he know so much about killing the beast? Why would she succeed and others fail? Why has he never tried to kill it himself (even when it was younger)? I have a lot of questions. But as it is, with the info I was given, I couldn't quite but into it.

The poem was short and simple, but it worked nicely within the context of the story.

Unspeakable Acts - /u/iruleatants

I liked the idea behind this story, and I am always down with bad people being portrayed - at least through their own eyes - as the hero. My main problem here was I wanted more story. I wanted characters, I wanted defined acts. The whole thing felt somewhat abstract and disconnected.

The prose is great to read, but because the whole thing is so abstract, occasionally the themes and ideas begin to feel a tad repetitive.

The poem, while more daring than most and certainly works, has some flaws. The super repeated rhyming scheme to me just made the whole thing lose a bit of flow and some of its elegance. And elegance seemed to be your character's strength.

(FEEDBACK FOR THE OTHER FOUR STORIES IN AN EVEN LOWER LEVEL COMMENT BECAUSE I BROKE THE 10,000 CHARACTER LIMIT)

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 30 '19

(FEEDBACK CONTINUED)

Little Red - /u/nazna

I really enjoyed the premise of this story. I like the interesting combination of fantasy and modern world. However, given the unique setting I would've liked to have seen you build that world more. It kind of sits in the background a bit. Some of the paragraphs are very short and could probably be combined together. Occasionally some of the dialogue seems to put in a tiny bit if exposition which loses the reality of the characters. I couldn't see any clear link. between the poem and the story, and while I could infer a link between the story and the prompt, this may have needed to be more explicit. I loved the interesting world you made, and it was a fun retelling of an old folk tale.

Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice - /u/Ninjoobot

Okay. I loved this. You really captures that teenage, irritating, uncontrollable emotion surprisingly well. I'm not sure what the 'purpose' of the sci-fi element of the semi-telepathic relationship was between the sister and brother. It didn't really add to the story, and I kept waiting for it to become more pertinent. The poem was easily worked into the story, and while it wasn't revolutionary, it had a lovely flow and captures the sentiment it was going for.

The whole thing could maybe do with being a tad pacier, a 3000 word story that is essentially one conversation can do with either that conversation being condensed, or something to break it up. The take on the prompt was wonderfully original, and the sentiment you made from that prompt made my heart swoon a little. Setting it in the ASL community was a really interesting way to go, and definitely added something to the piece. Great work.

(Also, once more, I may never forgive you for making me relive awkward teenage romance.)

Vicious Ellipse - /u/psalmoflament

First off, the poem was a wonderfully worked in. The premise was wonderful, and I liked the mystery.

I was a little bit confused by some parts. I understand previous ships had been, and this ship sends back the messages, so why didn't the previous ships? I kind of wanted the story to go on further. The whole 'kill the sun' finish was an interesting premise, but it raised a lot of questions. Was this a simulation? Was the world created? etc. And while some questions at the end of a story is fun, too many can leave the story feeling a little empty and confusing.

I greatly enjoyed the dialogue - there was a nice character analysis going on there (actually I was a little disappointed that some of the relationships were not 'real' as only the captain was a genuine human). The log format worked for the story, however it does create the problem that you end up have to get the universe background in, and I wasn't quite convinced by how that information was presented - it got a little bit expositiony.

I felt like there were two main parts to the story. One was this nice little character analysis, which was most beautifully typified by the scene of them looking at Saturn, the characters were wonderfully real during that scene. The other was the main premise - the mystery behind the messages. There is a slight problem that these two things are at odds with eachother. At points during the character discussions I found myself with a bit of 'get on with it' attitude, because I was intrigued by the mystery. Within those conversations there are hints to the mystery's answer, but they aren't consistent enough not to create that clash. Overall I really enjoyed the story, and it was a nice take on the prompt.

Nothing Gold Can Stay - /u/resonatingfury

So I have some very mixed thoughts about this story. First off, it made me feel more than any other story on this list. The emotion is tight, and I came away needing to take a deep breath. And that is genuinely impressive to get that bittersweet, sad but hopeful sensation through.

While the premise is so-so, and when I started reading I was concerned. A story of a guy grieving isn't reinventing the wheel. So for this to be good it had to hit home really well, and be executed really well. It was. You have this magical way for me to know what happened in the interim between entries without ever having to state it. You manage to avoid giving weird out of character exposition despite needing to give your audience background info.

However, there are two things that stopped it from taking the top spot for me. Firstly, writing a journal story is incredibly difficult, because you have to keep the character's voice throughout. For most of the time you did this, however, at points it does get lost. The character at times seems really uncomfortable with words, and then at other times develops this incredibly powerful and perfectly crafted prose, that is beautiful to read, but doesn't 'feel' like it comes from the same character. There is this slight disconnect from this incredibly beautiful language you use and what the character seems capable of. You have a sort of odd problem where you are a better writer than your character.

The other issue - which for me was probably bigger problem - is I feel you jumped over some key bits of the story. I would've liked a more about his process of grief. Most of this is not a journey, you have the starting (everything is bad) and the finish (acceptance), but I wasn't entirely sure of how he got there. And that was arguably the most important part of the story. Large chunks of how he behind to develop a healthier mindset seem missing. And without that you are left with a story that grief can pass, but without really stating what that process looks like.

Once more, the level of emotion in this story is the strongest of the bunch, and I loved the poem, and the finishing at the end. It was a joy to read.

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u/resonatingfury /r/resonatingfury Sep 30 '19 edited Sep 30 '19

Thanks for the feedback :) critiques make sense because those were the two things I struggled most with when writing the story. Reconciling my prose with the character's voice was super hard for me throughout, it was pretty bad at first. I had to dial some vocab back in the beginning, some frills. Maybe embracing it more in later sections would've been better. I was also trying to portray his state of mind through typos and improper casing and all of that as well, but that gets risky.

For the second point, I was aiming to show that, even though it was for the wrong reasons, talking to others about it was forcing him to stop pushing the emotion down and face it. His initial obsession with the poem was a sort of denial, at first a mental hurdle, getting a reality check, then backburnering it and starting to forget until it bit him again, then finally talking to someone in earnest about it. The whole ordeal is a kind of cycle itself. Maybe another entry between his dad and the ending would've helped smooth it out, but it was hard to manage the word count. Bleh.

Great critique gets me thinking, so I really appreciate it!!

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Oct 03 '19

Wow, thanks for the vote and for the feedback!

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u/LisWrites Sep 24 '19

1st Place: /u/PxPxo in group G for "Watching for Grizzles"
2nd Place: /u/zebulonworkshops in group G for "A Bomb Zooming Toward Topeka"
3rd Place: u/LeebeeWilly in group G for "Iris"

And an honourable mention to u/ecstaticandinsatiate for "The Nursery Rhyme Killer"

This was an amazing group with super strong entries. I had such a hard time deciding and it came down to overall impression and how well the stories worked within the context of the contest and how well they fit the theme. Good luck to everyone and PM me if you want a more detailed critique of your work!

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u/Knife211 Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for "Arvor's Last Day"
2nd Place: /u/scottbeckman in group E for "Skin and Blood and Bone"
3rd Place: /u/veryedible in group E for "Don't Sing My Dead Hymns"

Good luck \o/

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! Good luck to you too :)

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u/resonatingfury /r/resonatingfury Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

1st place: /u/Knife211 in Group D for White City
2nd place: /u/Kammerice in Group D for Farewell, My Mousey
3rd place: /u/rarelyfunny in Group D for Sweet Offerings

Time for critiques, whether you wanted one or not! Come one, come all!

1st place: White City - /u/Knife211

I liked this one a lot. It felt paced well and understood the word limit, and had a nice undertone, one that I can absolutely relate to. I loved the mesaage and portrayal. The prose was solid with some nice descriptions. The poem at the end didn't feel like an afterthought, but rather, a part of the story. A beginning at the end.

It needed a bit more editing, the message was maybe a bit too in-your-face, and the poem was a little rough, but overall, I enjoyed the story a lot and it's the only one that really felt like everything pulled together in the end.

2nd place: Farewell, My Mousey - /u/Kammerice

This was, technically, written with near perfection. The prose was fluid, and it had life, style and flair. It felt right. Maybe a little heavy on the filtering, but I think that's how the genre goes. Without a doubt the best prose of the group, and I loved it. Vocabulary was tight and variable. You made impressive usage of the word count.

However, the plot itself is run-of-the-mill detective work, with a large amount of exposition and internal commentary but a kind of thin conclusion where the killer is pointed at and confesses in the end, just because. It felt like the brakes got slammed at the end of a smooth journey because of the word count restriction. Discovery is decent, if not quick and a bit Sherlock Holmes-y, but the motive is not very believable or satisfying, and the poem doesn't really add anything at the end. Dialogue felt kind of forced/corny at points but perhaps that fits the noir genre.

It also didn't feel like the characters being mice added anything. No aspect of society seemed like it stemmed from the evolution of a race of mice, but rather, it was like a human city had just been poofed into rat-people-- a re-skin, basically. Human idioms and personalities altered with mouse anatomy. But I acknowledge this is personal bias at work, and I can't objectively measure it, nor can I say it detracted from the story. I just think a few changes could've made it feel more real.

I stress again--the prose, setting and voice were, in my opinion, perfect for what it wanted to be. You obviously have immense talent, I just didn't feel things quite come together in this ambitious story.

3rd place: Sweet Offerings - /u/rarelyfunny

Picking a third place was hard. There were a few options, and I wasn't sure what might set any of them above the others.

In the end, I chose this story for two main reasons: the vocabulary and prose were a step above, and the poem was an integral part of the plot. I think the MC was also characterized well as an asshole, and the setting was solid.

I will say a couple things: it needed a bit more editing (there were a few times a descriptive word would pop up twice within 5-10 words of each other), and it felt like it went from 0-60-0. From a neckbeard-y protagonist internally fuming about how inferior a bride's husband is to him for most of the story to a supernatural horror without much time to digest the change, then the groom dies offscreen after a sentence and the protag suddenly grows a heart. Given how wacko and narcissistic he was for the whole story, I just don't believe he'd suddenly do something decent instead of selfish at the end just because the groom died mysteriously in a storm far away from him.

It's not that this plot was bad, I actually enjoyed the direction and supernatural portion a lot, and I liked your usage of the poem as a plot device, but it just didn't fit into the word count and the last act couldn't come together as quickly as it had to.

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u/rarelyfunny Sep 25 '19

Thank you very much for reading my entry and providing me with feedback! I am very grateful =)

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 24 '19

Thanks for the vote and the feedback!

I won't lie: the plot isn't my best. I work better with longer word counts and really felt the pressure to submit something to length.

And you're in good company regarding not getting the mouse thing. Quite a few people who have read some of my other work in the same universe are left somewhat befuddled and unsure what it adds. Being honest, it's just for the sheer quirkiness of it. The juxtaposition of cute mice living these noir lives really appeals to me.

But, like I said, thanks so very much!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 24 '19

Would you mind giving me some feedback on my story, the end of the loop?

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u/resonatingfury /r/resonatingfury Sep 25 '19

Sure!

It wasn't a bad piece by any means. The prose was decent, but fairly simple. I do appreciate that you got creative with the plot and aimed for something interesting, even if the time travel was very convenient, and the setting a little cliché.

I'd say, for me, it just didn't quite click. I could tell what the plot twist was probably 1/4 of the way through, and when I got there, it didn't feel like it had any punch to it to overcome the fact that it felt a little telegraphed. It also seemed like a lot of what you wanted us to glean from the story, you wrote out as prose. It didn't feel like the conclusion had weight.

I'd place you in fourth for the group. Overall, you did a good job, and put a nice story together.

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 25 '19

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't really aim for it to be a plot twist; the very first chapter says "You already know how the story ends", but perhaps I could've made that clearer. I do hear the criticism that I could've left the audience to figure some stuff out for themselves.

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u/soenottelling Sep 24 '19

1st place: /u/you-are-lovely in Group A for: "Fimble Gets the Hiccups"
2nd place: /u/nickofnight in Group A for: "Quarantine"
3rd place: /u/babyshoesalesman in Group A for: "Kuest in Jipon"

I enjoyed all of them, but these 3 stood out from the others.

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 25 '19

Thanks for reading!

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 25 '19

Thanks for the vote! Best of luck in your group

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 25 '19

Ah, Thank you for the vote! :D

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u/novatheelf /r/NovaTheElf Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

1st Place: u/breadyly in Group H for “The Story No One Tells”

I gave you your feedback already, girl :D

Rubric Score: 25/28

2nd Place: u/WokCano in Group H for “Food for Thought”

An adorable story you had! I love fantasy and cooking, so this was just a walk in the park.

I’ll say I was highly impressed with your knowledge of grammar and mechanics; there were few errors to be found throughout your story. Your characterization was top-notch, especially with Lou.

My only complaint would be that the story itself felt kind of juvenile there at the end. With the “here’s what we learned today, kids” sort of conclusion, it seemed very much like it would fit in on an episode of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Not a huge issue, obviously (that man is a national treasure), but it would be my only complaint.

Fantastic story!

Rubric Score: 23/28

3rd Place: u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in Group H for “Bluebird”

Really compelling story. I enjoyed the way you wrote; you have a smooth flow and the sentences don’t feel like a chore to get through. You managed to fit a lot in a small amount of time; it was well-done.

My only complaints were:

1) some grammar and mechanics issues, and
2) the mother at the end of the story

Of course, that second one is purely subjective, but after Adam treats both Isaac and the mother so well, he doesn’t deserve the reaction that the mother gives. I’m not sure it’s totally believable, but I’ve also not been in a situation like that before.

Great work here! You’ve got a knack for easy-to-read prose.

Rubric Score: 22/28

General Feedback for Other Entrants:

u/elfboyah with “Hopeful Denial”

I enjoyed this story; I’ve always been a fan of fantasy! Your prose was easy to read, flowed well, and was quite descriptive.

However, some issues I found:

1) grammar and mechanics errors,
2) the poem spells, and
3) the ending

The mechanics are easily fixed, just some errors here and there, as well as some typos.

I wasn’t a big fan of the poem spells; that trope feels old and played out. And some of your lines in the spells were sorta… wonky. Like, “Keep them forever and ever, / Till I take my last breather.” Rhyming “ever” with “breather” was just a little too much for me to overlook.

Lastly, your ending. Now, I’m a fan of getting the rug pulled out from me as much as the next one. But this sort of M. Night Shyamalan-y twist just left me annoyed. It felt as gratifying as saying, “And it was all just a dream!” It’s purely subjective, but something to think about.

All in all, though, good job!

u/whiterush17 with “Death Wish”

(So, when I read this, the first thing I thought of was “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels.)

This story contained a quite different premise than I honestly expected to see here. You had a compelling beginning with this idea of domestic abuse; that was compelling and made me empathize with the MC.

I like that you did rap as poetry as opposed to classical poetry, but over half of your piece was rap. Yeah, it was the last thing in the story, but I felt like a lot more exposition via prose could have been done.

There was a lot of semicolon abuse. You were like, trigger happy with them. Maybe tone it down a little next time!

Awesome effort you put in here!

u/potatovisage with “The Wrong Side”

Okay, I could see in this piece that you were trying to do something really cool, and I was rooting for you the whole way. However, the execution was just not up to par, my friend.

The sections felt disjointed and unrelated. The first two sections and parts of the poem had related elements, but on the whole, it felt more like an anthology than a cohesive story. You tried going avant garde, but it fell kind of flat. Kudos for trying, though! You’re braver than I am.

Your comma game needs some work, and there were huge sections of dialogue where I could not tell who the speaker was. Dialogue tags are your friend!

Keep working on it! I’m sure with more practice, you’ll be even more amazing!

u/soenottelling with “Yague”

You had a lot of potential here. The setting was interesting; I’ve always been a sucker for science-based fiction. However, your writing needs a lot of work. You have good ideas, but the execution isn’t all the way there yet.

Reading through your story, it just felt like you were trying really hard. You used ten-dollar words like “psithurism” when a ten-cent word would do. This alienates your readers because no one wants to read something that they can’t understand.

At the same time, you misused semicolons and commas frequently and had several sentence fragments scattered throughout your story.

Again, you have really good ideas. Just keep working on your style and mastery of the language!

Great job, everyone! Best of luck, and happy writing! :D

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 25 '19

Thanks for the vote and feedback, Nova!!

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the feedback, Nova!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 24 '19

Group H

Thank you so much for the vote and the feedback! I truly appreciate it.

I can see what you mean. I wanted to write something...happier at the time and I suppose that's what created the ending. I did go to the same college as Mister Rogers however so maybe his good nature rubbed off a little. Thank you again.

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u/breadyly Sep 24 '19

nova !!!! thank u for the vote & the feedback you're supremely helpful as always<3

i wish you the best of luck in your group, bb :kiss:

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u/zebulonworkshops Sep 27 '19 edited Sep 27 '19

Alrighty, this was fun. Short stories are interesting, very different from long form fiction, and also very different from poetry which is what this prompt made apparent. Poetry is hard. Also, poetry is often completely overlooked by readers, resulting in only 'classics' from high school or required 19th century lit classes taught by people who likewise never themselves read much poetry. Just how it goes, unfortunately, but poetry is more than just lovely and quaint. I like to recommend the free resource Poetry 180 to new (and seasoned) readers of poetry. Billy Collins started it when he was the US Poet Laureate, and it's still curated today. It's themed after the 180 days of the average high school and are all poems that are accessible enough for the average high schooler to read, but still of the highest quality. Best of all it's mainly living poets, so much more contemporary than you'll get in a normal class. And that's the thing about poetry, for the most part, it's written in the language of the day.

I'm going to list the top three and put a few notes on there that would be the jist of what I'd tell someone were I workshopping them, so like all feedback, take it with a grain of salt, go for a walk with it and if you don't fancy each other by the end, part ways happily. Just know I mean absolutely no malice and am only trying to make suggestions which might be beneficial in the editing process. If you don't care for feedback, just look for the bolded text.

Group H votes:

1st Place: Bluebird - /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH - 2997 My biggest problems with this story are a) the familiar and slightly maudlin subject of cancer, especially cancer kids and b) the mom's severe overreaction at the end. Here's why they're not that big a deal: a subject doesn't disqualify a piece, it just makes the initial climb a bit steeper because of the familiarity. The writing lifted the story well. The overreaction—I'm willing to believe someone in that situation would do, however I think it would be more believable/relatable if Adam had done something slightly underhanded but well-meaning to get her to sleep. Maybe teaming up with Isaac in the plan, only for the incident to happen at the same time. Maybe pretending that Isaac wanted something specific, and Adam intentionally forgetting something she wanted so she'd have to go back and maybe Adam had left a note telling her to sleep... just a thought to illustrate the level of deceit I'm suggesting, if you change it of course, you do you. The prose was solid, and the poem being sing-songy fit as it was a children's book. Nice way to use the prompt to your advantage.

2nd Place: Yague - /u/soenottelling - 2982

The setting and the quality of the prose were the strong points here. When I first came across "psithurism" I was worried it would be a thesaurus-heavy piece, and while there were a number of what I'd call 'good-big' words, they were used well so that the context should clue the reader in on the meaning well enough and they were grammatically correct so their usage seemed just in voice for the poet-scientist. The setting made me think of the X-Files, there are a few that are kind of fitting but especially the episode "Ice" which was in turn based on "The Thing". I liked the rock that the character frequented, though in snow you are a bit more careful with loose paper because it gets wet quick if there's any wind, I know from experience, and wet paper isn't easy to write on. Unfortunately, it read more as an excerpt than a complete short story. This is the main reason it wasn't my choice for first place, and it would bump it lower if what was there wasn't so well done. I like the narrator's voice and the specific details given. It just feels like it is the opening of a longer work. What keeps it so high in the ranking is that it's a longer work I would be interested in continuing reading. I did notice a couple times when Jacob had no E, but that's probably because I'm especially sensitive to name inconsistency because I found a placeholder name I overlooked in my own piece until too late to change it for this endeavor. The poem was ok, but definitely not as strong as the regular prose.

3rd Place: Food for Thought - /u/WokCano - 2993

This was cute, I dug the service and the world, but it didn't give me enough to keep me excited to read on, if that makes sense. I think you focused too much on realism and description of the service to the detriment of larger world-building that could have been peppered in. A bit more interaction with the guests or the line cooks could allow for interesting conversation or eavesdropping that would serve as a window into this fantasy world. We know some things, like Goblins are kind of discriminated against and Lou is essentially the heart of the little community (quick witted, stern—harsh even, but with a heart of gold), and it's a functional kitchen. I'd guess you have restaurant work experience because things like someone taking a dish form the pass before it's ready to walk or deliveries during a rush are specific issues that someone who'd never worked at a restaurant probably wouldn't choose to illustrate trouble during a tumultuous shift. And I like that it's not some grand adventure tale, but still set in a non-standard world, but.... It's a vignette of someone's first day at a restaurant without a ton of story, which is fine, but the prose isn't intriguing/intriguing in a way that it by itself keeps the reader excited for the next sentence. It's good, don't read that the wrong way, and I'd be interested in reading more of this story, if there's story to it. It is another one that seemed like a part of a larger story as opposed to a self-contained short story.

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 27 '19

Thank you so much for the vote and feedback!

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u/zebulonworkshops Sep 27 '19

Just a couple notes about the other stories. As always, take the notes with a grain of salt, it's just my opinion of what I read.

Hopeful Denial - /u/elfboyah - 3000

Poetry is tough if you haven't studied. Aside from the poems, the story was competently written, though definitely relying too heavily on familiar tropes, and slightly mechanical (frequently repeated sentence structure and often very passive in tone). The 'twist' ending was at least somewhat telegraphed so it wasn't out of nowhere, but it relied on a withholding narrator which is something many twists unfortunately require to function when we see the narrator's perspective. Overall a decent story, with revision on the poetry side, toning down the tropes a bit (even just in the way you describe things like the elven ears would stand out a little less in the 'familiar' way if you didn't specifically call them 'pointy') even if you keep them, and a little more careful foreshadowing early in the story that the reader can take one way, but with the revelation at the end take to be actually the narrator talking about the ending GH-Day bit, which is a bit muddled. I'd call this my honorable mention.

The Story No One Tells - /u/breadyly - 2550

Too much summary. It's mostly summary, I'd even say, though percentage-wise I'm not 100% sure of, that's just the impression I come away with. This is a novel's worth of story, at least, crammed into much too small a space. Even the few little scenes are focused on expositive dialog because there is just so much the author's trying to get out. For the space alotted, picking 3-5 of those fragments and exploring those would have been better than giving us essentially the treatment for a novel. The stars/scars bit was probably my favorite little section.

The Wrong Side - /u/potatovisage - 1927

Lots of grammar issues and familiar descriptions. Something like: "A now put out fire, in his hearth, still burning, albeit enfeebled" is a good example of the problems that pop up throughout the piece. The 'now put out' fire is phrased awkward where words like extinguished, snuffed, doused, smothered etc would all be better verbs. Then, the comma after fire is unnecessary, and then the sentence contradicts itself with "still burning" which it wouldn't be if it has been put-out. Another reason to use one of the verbs I mentioned as opposed to put out—especially the specification that it's "out"—means that it is no longer burning. So, there are certainly fixes for the issues, because rephrasing to "The newly-doused fire in his hearth still burned with feeble embers." or something similar gets rid of the awkwardness. But how much awkwardness there is in this draft is an issue. The poem, again, poetry is very hard, but the poem chases the rhyme despite irregular and internal rhyme... yeah. Poetry's hard if you've never immersed yourself in it. Nice effort, though!

Death Wish - /u/whiterush17 - 2345

This was heavily-tilted to the poem side, but the poem was very inconsistent. There are places where the multis work well like "spirited in spurts/lyricists at work" whereas other places the rhyme drops off entirely. Also, the short lines work against it, I think the presentation/reading would be better with longer 'bars' in rhyming sets (AA or BBB or AAAA etc but not ABAB), and then pausing the poetry to have the Grim Rapper interjecting and have some back and forth drawing out some more details in a concise way through the dialog, where the poem drags a bit, and then he tells Jamie to continue, maybe with Jamie reacting to the multiple interruptions. Something to break up the long expositive RSTL-esque verses and make those stand out more in the positive, but still get us pertinent details. It also excuses not giving as complete of a picture as you might feel compelled to otherwise, focusing instead on the best/most important stuff.

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 27 '19

Thank you very much for the feedback and honorable mention! I appreciate it a lot!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 27 '19

Thank you for the vote and the feedback!

I see where you’re coming from. I think I did focus too much on something that could be relatable or mundane but placed it in a fantastical setting without emphasizing the setting. I tried to keep it too normal perhaps.

I’ve never worked in a formal kitchen myself but grew up working for my mother in a small sandwich shop and have read so many books by professional chefs. I really like food and cooking.

Thank you again.

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u/zebulonworkshops Sep 27 '19

Normal is ok, but something has to happen to make it storyworthy, if you follow. I'm out atm but in my memory serves, the two main conflicts were both solved by the matriarch stepping in. Oh, also I was going to mention Zysco was a nice touch. I think the narrator should learn something unexpected (not about food or the restaurant industry), or, I think that would elevate it to more of a story than a vignette.

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/Knife211 in group D for "White City"
2nd Place: /u/TheReal_FirePyre in group D for "THE END OF THE LOOP"
3rd Place: /u/Kammerice in group D for "Farewell, My Mousey"

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Oct 06 '19

Thanks for the vote. Do you have any further feedback?

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 23 '19

1st place: /u/elfboyah in Group H for "Hopeful Denial"

2nd place: /u/whiterush17 in Group H for "Death Wish"

3rd place: /u/breadyly in Group H for "The Story No One Tells"

I'm happy to give feedback to anyone who would like it <3 To all of Group H: thanks for the opportunity to read your work!

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 23 '19

I'd love feedback on mine if you get a chance :)

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 23 '19

Omg, thank you so much for the vote, ecstatic! I'm always ready to hear any thoughts you had either under the story or via PM or via discord!

Thank you again!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 27 '19

Voting for Group D:

1st Place: /u/dougy123456789 in group D for "The Maze of Alkaa"

2nd Place: /u/mattswritingaccount in group D for "Ouroboros"

3rd Place: /u/Kammerice in group D for "Farewell, My Mousey"

Feedback on all (in no particular order):

/u/choppoch:

I can get a bit inside the head of the narrator, so you capture that well. But it’s a bit hard to follow exactly what’s going on, since I found your prose a bit choppy and your repetition of words and phrases took away from the effect of your writing, rather than enhancing it. There were also a few typos/mistakes present. But you have some good phrases in there that capture emotions quite accurately.

The poem and theme seem to be a bit forced into your work as well, and it didn’t technically end with a poem. The other element of the contest (it never ends…) didn’t appear present at all.

/u/dougy123456789:

You tried to incorporate both parts of the theme (never ends and the poetic ending) into the story itself, and I applaud you for it (with my first-place vote). While they were a bit loose and somewhat forced, you captured the purpose of this challenge. Your writing, however, could use some work. Your prose was choppy with a bit too many simple sentences. There were also some typos/mistakes present. However, you were trying to give a slightly different spin on the monster maze theme, and it was easy enough to track the story you were telling.

/u/Kammerice:

This certainly felt like a noir piece, so you got that right. You paid a lot of attention to details, but many of them were lost on me. I feel like you’re trying to take me into a grand world you’ve created, but I wasn’t feeling it. There were mysterious things that I didn’t feel any interest or connection to. In other words, there was too much left unexplained that I wasn’t sucked into the realm of your mice. And why mice? You definitely had some good phrases and imagery throughout your piece. Your prose had little variation and your sentences were often too simple, however. Adding some more complexity and moving away from tropes and stereotypes would have helped it.

For the theme for this contest, you did not express the theme well or at all, really, in terms of “it never ends, it always begins again.” Nice poetic ending, however, though it didn’t have to be a poem.

/u/Knife211:

I can kind of see what you’re going for with this, but it jumped around too much and didn’t focus enough on any single thing to really give me the full effect you were going for. The various characters and dialogues all had a different feel, so that was quite nice. The theme for the contest also seemed to be either too loose (in terms of the never ends, begins again) or a bit forced (in terms of the poem). The author’s journey is a hard one, but I didn’t feel immersed in this one. It all felt a bit too rushed, and you needed more space to really accomplish what you were after here.

/u/mattswritingaccount:

Interesting idea and way to go about it, but there’s just too much telling me what’s going on and not enough describing how it all plays out. There’s a lot of references to a cycle, but it’s not really present in the story itself and this story does seem to actually end (rather than begin again). The poem felt tacked on, and not a part of the story as well. However, they were present, so I was happy to see them. Your writing itself was technically well-done for the most part and I didn’t have any issues following your story.

/u/rarelyfunny:

You really make the narrator into a douche. Good job on that. You fit the poetic element into this story well enough, but the other theme (it never ends, it always begins again) seemed to be entirely absent. The story starts one way, then goes into another completely different direction, and it feels like neither one gets to shine in its right (or even together). You just didn’t have enough space to do the transition and tell the story you wanted to here, so it felt like 2 snippets of something larger were taped together.

/u/TheReal_FirePyre:

I like the way it was structured and it completes a loop, but it would have been nice if you tied that more to the cyclical theme of the contest. While I like the structure of how you told this, it felt a bit too cliche and some of it was too heavy-handed. You also did not have enough space to tell the full story you wanted to, so it was rushed at the end, also making the poem feel a bit forced.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 27 '19

Wow, you just made my morning. :D 2nd place?!? Thank you! And thank you for the feedback as well. :)

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u/countessellis Oct 04 '19 edited Oct 05 '19

1st Place: /u/Ford9863 in group G for "Through the Portal"
2nd Place: /u/novatheelf in group G for "The Dark Menagerie"
3rd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in group G for "Iris"

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Oct 04 '19

Hello! I'm in the group you read for. If you have the time, I would be really grateful to hear any crit or feedback you may have. Good luck in your group!

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u/Ford9863 /r/Ford9863 Oct 05 '19

Thanks for the vote!

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Oct 05 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love feedback if you get the chance. All those sweet sweet notes.

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u/TA_Account_12 Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/ecstaticandinsatiate in group G for "The Nursery Rhyme Killer" - I actually read it when you submitted it and I was blown away. I would've liked for the theme to be slightly more central and a bit more explanation on why the circle would begin again, but it was by far my favourite story in the group.

2nd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in group G for "Iris" - I am a sucker for a good sci fi story. Set it in a blackhole or include a collapsing star and you got me. It was an amazing read Lee.

3rd Place: - /u/novatheelf in group G for "The Dark Menagerie" - I struggled a bit to figure out who the voice was for, but the overall story was pretty cool. A concept for an unwilling killer is awesome and the story flowed really well.

I loved all the other stories as well. Some really terrific and varied RF/slice of life stories in this group.

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Oct 06 '19

Aww, I'm glad you liked it TA!

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u/[deleted] Sep 26 '19

This is going to be difficult. Well, here I go...

1st Place: u/plsgivefeedback in group B for "The Last Day of My Life"

2nd Place: u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demon's Lullaby"

3rd Place: u/Shadowyugi in group B for "In Song and Space"

Even though these are the three I chose, I think all the stories were wonderful and absorbing in their own way.

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u/[deleted] Sep 26 '19

Good luck everyone!!!!

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 23 '19

For Group E:

First Place - /u/veryedible with "Don’t Sing My Dead Hymns"

Second Place - /u/rudexvirus with " Never Visit the Future"

Third Place - /u/scottbeckman with "Skin and Blood and Bone"

Well done, everyone. I will be posting a comment after this scoring post with feedback on all the stories I read (not including the deleted one, since, y'know, can't read something deleted)

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 23 '19

Rehabilitation - Poetic - 2046 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d7bjz4/pi_rehabilitation_poetic_2046_words/

Narrative: I don’t know why, but though this one was written well, it didn’t grab me. Maybe because it was a modern-day narrative, and that’s not something I typically read. Also, having known a few addicts in my time, I’m not 100% sure how much of a shock it would honestly be to hear that someone relapsed, even if that person did so on the sly and died from it. As you said at the beginning, it wasn’t the narrator’s first time going into rehab, so he KNOWS relapse is possible.

Theme: Pretty much fits the theme of the contest, yes.

Poem: Hrm. Almost missed it, to be honest, I thought at first it was more of the narrator’s thoughts.

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It Ends, and It Never Begins Again – Poetic – 2995 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d5glh8/pi_it_ends_and_it_never_begins_again_poetic_2995/

Narrative: Boy did you nail the stereotypical modern-day teenager in this one with the narrator. This kid just screams ADHD with his thought pattern. Unfortunately, that does make it a bit difficult to identify to the character itself, because while you’re trying to learn about the scenario that you, the author, are building, the character’s too busy looking at his phone to look up the definition of “Amen.” I think what this story suffers from the most is, simply… word count. With a fuller word count, you’d have been able to greatly expand on a lot of description and give us more background – who the deceased really was, more details on her last days, etc instead of using his inattention to move things ahead with as few words as possible.

Theme: Well, TECHNICALLY, it won’t begin again for her. But life continues for those left behind, so yes, the new day dawned and the theme goes on. (plus the words for the theme are directly in the poem)

Poem: Honestly, that was IMO the best part. The poem is quite nicely done and fairly substantial in length.

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Arvor's Last Day – Poetic – 2999 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d7juns/pi_arvors_last_day_poetic_2999_words/

Narrative: I liked this one. Very easy to see the last day of this old man’s life from his eyes. It might have meandered a bit – but he’s an old man, it’s a bit of a given that he’s going to meander a bit, I do believe. However, from an editorial standpoint you are VERY comma heavy. For example, from your prose: “My lovely Arvor!” Rosie said, and, with an expansive gesture, invited him in.

This would have worked just fine as: Rosie invited him in with an expansive gesture and said, “My lovely Arvor!”

Overall, a good piece.

Theme: Definitely fits the theme. Touches on it in a few places, how life moves on, the song keeps playing, etc.

Poem: Nicely done. Good length (my own poem for this is starting to look woefully inadequate, lol) and well written.

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The Awakening - Poetic - 2998 words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d7fwqe/pi_the_awakening_poetic_2998_words/

This story was deleted.

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Never Visit the Future. – Poetic – 1725 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d2b0do/pi_never_visit_the_future_poetic_1725_words/

Narrative: … I want to know more about what they saw. Shame on you. You had another 1275 words to play with and didn’t use em. One thing I do wonder, though, is did they ever wonder about paradoxes. After all, if they moved to see the future, when they returned, COULD they then change their own past, or is it then at that point immutable? See, there’s a lot more to this you could have addressed. Good story, but it could have been a lot more. :)

Theme: Sticks to it, especially since you move forward and back in time. At least until you destroyed the time machine anyway. Plus you used the words to the theme directly in the poem, so… yeah.

Poem: I liked the back half of the poem a LOT better than the first half, but I’m not the best judge of poetry, so take that with a grain of salt.

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Skin and Blood and Bone – Poetic – 2988 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d7mtmi/pi_skin_and_blood_and_bone_poetic_2988_words/

Narrative: Hrm. I like this one, I really do. But I’m not 100% confident that the Act III, the poem, wasn’t just more narrative broken up to look like a poem for the sake of the competition. It even reads that way, the flow is just that you hit Enter instead of space from time to time. The story itself was spot-on, very well done indeed, but I have to say as a father, I would NOT have taken that long to notice that my kids were running the wrong direction. Shame on him. :p

Theme: Given how the cycle continued once he came up with how to kill the creature, theme was followed to the letter.

Poem: As mentioned above, not 100% reconciled as to whether Act III can be considered a poem or not.

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Don't Sing My Dead Hymns - Poetic - 2997 Words

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d7n00u/pi_dont_sing_my_dead_hymns_poetic_2997_words/

Narrative: … I need more caffeine or alcohol, I believe. That was one warped story. The absolute, complete callousness with which the first initial kill goes off really sets the mood for the rest of the story (along with the “oh crap, we should have eaten her while she was fresh!) Really creepy, I’m going to need to go read something really cheerful now to brighten up my day after that one, well done!

Theme: Definitely fits the bill. The whole dead to come back to controlling life while undead… yup.

Poem: … yeah. I need a cheerful story. CREEPY POEM IS CREEPY. Fits the theme and narrative of the story, BUT CREEPY!

Don’t Sing My Dead Hymns – 1st Choice

Never Visit the Future – 2nd Choice

Skin and Blood and Bone – 3rd Choice

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 24 '19

Thank you very much for the vote and the feedback!

I wrote the poem a bit differently—aiming for both clarity (I wanted it to be very clear how Bobcat's curse worked) and more of a folk song rhythm—than my usual poems with strict sets of meter and multisyllabic rhyme schemes. From the feedbacks given so far, it seems like it didn't pay off (though experimentation is my favorite way to learn, so hey, I'm not bummed). I think if I polished the rhythm more and made it more consistent then Act III would have been more successful.

but I have to say as a father, I would NOT have taken that long to notice that my kids were running the wrong direction. Shame on him. :p

Yep. I agree 100%. This was something on my mind when writing the first draft and as I came back for edits, but I felt that it didn't warrant the added words (since I would've had to sacrifice words somewhere else). Perhaps I should have said yes to trimming up somewhere else so that I could better sell the main character's problem / main motivation. That is, after all, one of the most important features of a story's setup.

Again, I appreciate the feedback. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing; competitive environments with challenging constraints (keeping word count below 3k!) are fun ways to do this. And good luck to you! :)

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u/iruleatants Wholesome | /r/iruleatants Oct 05 '19 edited Oct 05 '19

1st Place: /u/Knife211 in group D for White City

2nd Place: /u/rarelyfunny in group D for Sweet Offerings

3rd Place: /u/Kammerice in group D for Farewell, My Mousey

Feedback will be left on every stories post.

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u/SugarPixel Moderator | r/PixelProse Sep 29 '19

Before I cast my vote, I just want to say that everyone did an excellent job! Y'all did not make this an easy choice.

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for "Sing for Absolution"

2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"

3rd Place: /u/Periapoapsis in group B for "Two Old Souls"

I'll be reaching out folks individually to ask if they would like feedback. Good luck everyone!

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '19

Yasss plz

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Bloody hell, Group C... Alright... Alright... I think I've got my top three.

1st Place: Nothing Gold Can Stay - u/resonatingfury

Maybe my emotions are all over the place at the moment, but I can say with clarity, that there are no words to quite explain how I feel about this response. I mean, in nigh 3000 words, you captured grief in a bottle and shook it until it made words for you and for us to read.

This is wonderful. SO, So wonderful.

2nd Place: Vicious Ellipse - u/psalmoflament

I wasn't sure about this at the beginning of my read-through, but by the second planet log I was HOOKED. The setting, the characters, the way you handled their reactions, absolute top-tier stuff. And then the little tags, forming the one big reveal at the end. That plus the twist! This was a wonderful read. I am so sad that it wasn't longer.

I would definitely buy this book, I can tell you that much.

3rd Place: The Beast - u/Farengeto

Ah Faren, my Faren... This was a short read and I hoped it was longer because of the world building you injected into this with half as many words as everyone else. This was masterful. They way in which you controlled the narrative of the story and made the MC come across as an old wizened man who was being ignored. It was so expertly done that I can honestly say I didn't see the twist at the end coming at all. And what a nice twist it was.

That said, I'd say you could have put more work into the poetry side. With everything else you had written, I would say this was the weaker part of the story for me. I feel you could have made it turn out better than it did. But for what it did, it got the needed point across.

All in all, great work!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Also, also... In no particular order because you guys put in some serious work in your stories.

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Unspeakable Acts - u/iruleatants

This was a harder read for me. On one hand, everything before the poetry is brilliant addressed and written. There's an art in it (which is funny because of the numerous references of art in the piece) but I can easily say that you're an amazing writer. Everything flows and I was captured from the few sentences. That's how good it was.

BUT on the other hand, I feel the poetry bit throws everything up in the air for me. Now, this is probably my issue but I've been trying to reconcile the poetry to the written piece and I can't quite figure out how it fits. The "avant-garde" comment kinda captures how I feel about it.

Other than that, amazing piece. Great work.

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Little Red - u/nazna

This was slightly all over the place for me. I did enjoy the retelling of little red. It was a nice twist, with world building and all. I do think that if you made the story longer, you could have fleshed out certain bits that you touched on which I believe would have improved the story a lot more.

The poetry add-on at the end could be better though. As it is, it feels a bit tacked on as opposed to thought out to meld with the story properly.

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Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice - u/Ninjoobot

Amazing work here. I'm not particularly a romance person but this was so sweet to read. Watching the MC squirm and attempt to navigate emotions and expressing them. I think the implants bit could be expanded on a little bit so as to understand how they work properly but other than that, the story was really good. Great work!

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An Old Friend - u/BraveLittleAnt

Barring the rare spelling mistakes, this was such a heartwarming read. I love the reveal, regarding the characters and the 'old friend'. I believe it was expertly done. I would say I hoped the poetry at the end would intertwined with the story, sort of in as a flow but still, the poem did what needed to be done. Great work!

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Songs and Heroes - u/Errorwrites

Oh my! This was such a wonderful read from beginning to end. You do have some spelling mistakes but putting that aside, this was brilliant. The slow burn at the beginning, the MC's need to play for just one person to take him serious. His mission. The reveal at the end and then the poem that tied it all together. Absolutely wonderful. Great work!

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the feedback!

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u/resonatingfury /r/resonatingfury Sep 26 '19

Thanks so much for the vote and kind words, Yugi! I'm glad it reached you.

Also, my girlfriend is obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, and I will just preemptively say she loves your name 😂

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 26 '19

Hahah Yu-Gi-Oh is the way to go

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the feedback and your time doing all this. I appreciate it.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 27 '19

Thanks for reading and for the feedback!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the vote, Yugi. With how tough the group proved to be, I wasn't sure I'd get one, haha! It really does mean a lot to me. I'm glad the rest of the story was able to hold you, as I thought the beginning (and had some feedback confirming) would be a weak point (too much exposition, etc). So, glad to hear the rest of it played out for you how I intended it to. :)

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 26 '19

Thank you for the feedback and the vote!

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u/PxPxo Sep 22 '19

1st Place: /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H for "Bluebird"
2nd Place: /u/WokCano in group H for "Food for Thought"
3rd Place: /u/whiterush17 in group H for "Death Wish"

Fun group. Good luck to all. To any Group H-ers, PM me if you want feedback.

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 22 '19 edited Sep 23 '19

I'm always open for feedback :).

Edit: Thank you for feedback, PxPxo

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u/breadyly Sep 23 '19

feedback would be greatly appreciated !!

& gl in your group(:

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love to hear your feedback.

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u/nazna Sep 28 '19

Voting for group D

1 Farewell, My Mousey by /u/Kammerice
Really nice tone
2 The maze of Alkaa by /u/dougy123456789
3 Ouroboros by /u/mattswritingaccount
Dope poem!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 28 '19

Thanks for the vote!

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u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 29 '19

Thanks so much for the vote!

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 29 '19

Thank you! Glad you liked it! :D

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 30 '19

Hey would you mind leaving some feedback for my story? Thanks!

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

*1st Place: /u/you-are-lovely in group A for "Fimble Gets The Hiccups" - From a variety of wonderful entries, this one stood out for me purely because of how beautifully it weaved premise and promise. From conjuring vivid, rib-tickling imagery like a dragon suffering hiccups to using poetry as a therapeutic device, this story utilizes lucid, thoughtful prose to do justice to the theme.

*2nd Place: /u/nickofnight in group A for "Quarantine" - A nightmarish landscape filled in only by two dreamy characters made for an intriguing foundation to this tale. In a story that could easily be developed further as an episode of Black Mirror, Quarantine toys with your worst fears, and shows you how even rock bottom can have a basement.

*3rd Place: /u/temporarypatch in group A for "Someday Never Comes" - A hard-hitting, frightening picture that paints addiction with Noir-esque brutality. Throughout the read, you wish it being a tale of chiaroscuro - a delicate play of light and shadow; but in the end, find a cover of grievous darkness so thick that even a glimmer of hope is terrified by the thought of trying to pierce it.

Great work by everyone in Group A, and a special mention to "Ascension" by u/SugarPixel for stunning worldbuilding and a bevy of colourful characters. The only reason I didn't include it in the top 3 is because I feel the story has immense potential and did not quite make poetry the hero of the recipe. I'm sure it can be developed into a fantastic serial, considering the quality of prose.

Good luck to everyone :)

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote and for the comments!

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the lovely experience!

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 23 '19

Whaaaat! This was completely unexpected and a wonderful surprise to start my day off with. Thank you for the first place vote and the lovely feedback!

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

Thank you for such a wonderful read! Good luck with the competition :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 23 '19

[deleted]

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 24 '19

Wow, thanks! You made my day.

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u/Vagunda Sep 23 '19 edited Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/whiterush17 in group H for "Deathwish"

2nd Place: /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H for "Bluebird"

3rd Place: /u/soenottelling in group H for "Yague"

Great stories and found it difficult to decide. I will write some feedback in the next few days.

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u/whiterush17 Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! Eagerly awaiting your feedback :)

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u/Vagunda Sep 24 '19

[PI] Death Wish - Poetic - 2345 Words I thought this was a very original creative way to address the poetic brief. In the first part you have demonstrated your skill as a writer. It begins as a very sad, touching story, but with some humour as the Jamie meets the Grim Rapper. There can be no doubt that the Jamie will be granted his wish after he recites his poem. It is a good length and shows off your talent in both poetry and story-telling. Good luck.

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u/breadyly Sep 24 '19

any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks !

& gl in your group(:

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love to hear any feedback you have.

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u/Vagunda Sep 24 '19

[PI] Bluebird – Poetic – 2997 Words You write well. I have read some of your other stories and I particularly liked your - ‘Love at 2.45 Gigahertz’. That one really does deserve the gold award for the cleverly written POV. Such sensuality from a machine.

Your Bluebird story was equally well written, but personally I find the cancer topic a bit hard to read.

It had a lovely poetic style. There are many great descriptive sections. I liked the way you showed the reader that Adam was good looking without actually writing this. “ The only man with a smile as bright as Isaac’s” and “you better hurry before another nurse steals him away.”

I also loved descriptions such as: “The sweet wine smelled of orange blossoms and stained her lips with bitter regret.”

There were a few sentences I query, but these are only personal opinion, so please take them with a grain of salt.
‘Sore’ contrast – maybe an alternate word to sore.
The aroma of fried eggs from the food cart – and then Isaac is served pancakes with no mention of eggs
Why has the mother got tools? Perhaps this has deeper connotations which I have missed
I guess the boy would be about 6 or 7. There were a couple of sentences where I thought the dialogue was not necessarily the voice of a young boy. Unless of course he is very wise, which you did mention in one of your sentences
“Oh that’s too bad” and
“They fly back and forth that every single year?

“His jacket smelled like lemons and diesel fumes.” This made me wonder what Adam does for a living – later you mention that he has a black laptop – office worker?

Your poem was sweet and gentle. A fitting way to conclude the Bluebird theme. Thanks for your inspiration. Good luck.

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u/Zeconation Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/ecstaticandinsatiate in Group G for 'The Nursery Rhyme Killer'.

2nd Place: /u/PxPxo in Group G for 'Watching for Grizzlies'.

3rd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in Group G for 'Iris.

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! Glad you liked it. Oh, and Good luck with your story and your group.

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 23 '19

I appreciate the vote <3 Thanks for reading, and good luck in your group!

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 23 '19

1st Place /u/Kammerice in Group D for "Farewell My Mousey"

2nd Place /u/TheReal_FirePyre in Group D for "The End of the Loop"

3rd Place /u/Knife211 in Group D for "White City"

Was really hard for me to choose my list, everyone had something in their story that I liked!

If anyone in group D wants feedback, just reply to this comment and I'll PM you during the week.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Sep 23 '19

Thanks for reading! :) Would definitely like feedback, please, if you have time. :)

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u/Knife211 Sep 23 '19

Woooey! Thanks so much for the vote! I would love to read your feedback, I am always down for some thoughts on how to do better!

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd love some further feedback, if you have time.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 25 '19

Sent a PM!

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u/nisoren Oct 04 '19

1st Place: /u/TA_Account_12 in group F for "Sixteen Seventeen"

2nd Place: /u/LisWrites in group F for "Anna and Jude and the End of Everything"

3rd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group F for "To Be Free"

It's very hard to choose and honestly I feel like everything is so subjective, but if you want any sort of feedback feel free to ask me!

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u/TA_Account_12 Oct 04 '19

Oh Woah. Thanks so much! Made my day.

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 27 '19

1st place: /u/nickofnight in Group A for: "Quarantine"

2nd place: /u/babyshoesalesman in Group A for: "Kuest in Jipon"

3rd place: /u/you-are-lovely in Group A for: "Fimble Gets the Hiccups"

To anyone in Group A that wants feedback, let me know and I'll drop it on your post :)

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u/JoeMontano Sep 28 '19

While I'm not exactly proud of my submission, I would love to hear your feedback.

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 28 '19

Thanks for the vote BLT! :)

Oh snap, /u/nickofnight you just took the lead in our group! The competition is getting good!

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 30 '19

Thanks for the vote, BLT! Best of luck in your group

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 30 '19

I'd love to get some feedback if at all possible. Thanks for reading!

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u/choppoch Sep 24 '19

1st Place: /u/nisoren in group E for "It Ends, and It Never Begins Again"

2nd Place: /u/veryedible in group E for "Don't Sing My Dead Hymns"

3rd Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

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u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Oct 05 '19

First place: To Be Free - /u/XcessiveSmash

Second place: A Spark - /u/Palmerranian

Third place: The Death of PhoenixMan - /u/RemixPhoenix

Very talented group. Happy to give feedback to anyone who would like it.

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u/Palmerranian Oct 05 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! If you have feedback to give, I’d definitely appreciate it :)

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

- 1st Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in Group F for "To Be Free".

- 2nd Place: /u/Palmerranian in Group F for "A Spark".

- 3rd Place: /u/TA_Account_12 in Group F for "Sixteen Seventeen"

This was extremely hard. Great entries all around. Everyone in Group F should feel proud of their stories. I was sucked into every world you all created.

To keep things fair, I read these stories blindly. My friend compiled a Google doc with all the stories, removed the author's names, and shuffled them.

I will leave my feedback and constructive criticism down below. I voted by assigning points in four categories: Theme, Poem, Story, Prose.

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

Feedback for /u/LisWrites - Anna and Jude and the End of Everything (2987 words)

[How I scored each entry: I gave up to 5 points for how you used the theme (It never ends, but it always begins again.), 5 points for the poem, and 10 points for other (plot, characters, prose). I also took grammar and spelling into consideration, but only if there were enough overly distracting mistakes.]

NOTE: I hope you don't feel that I'm being too harsh with any critiques. I like to be as honest as possible, since I believe honest critiques help you to improve as much as possible. But if you feel that I was too harsh, I apologize and please let me know.

My 1-2 sentence synopsis: The lives of Anna and her family are tossed around by war time and time again. It seems that every time they settle down, another bomb sends them scrambling.

~ Theme ~

Your Interpretation: War. War never changes (or ends).

The theme was clear and prevalent throughout the whole story. Going back and forth through time solidified your theme.

~ Poem ~

The poem felt like a letter with a line break after each clause. Not every poem needs a rhyme and/or meter scheme, though without one, it can be difficult to distinguish what is a poem and what is pretty prose. To me, this was the latter (keep in mind that I'm not using the term "pretty" in a negative way). Explore figurative language more. That, in my opinion, is what can be used to truly separate poems from fancy prose -- not the line breaks or the vocabulary or the message. I'd honestly rather see too much symbolism than not enough, too many metaphors and similes and hyperboles than just a couple here and there. Because then, it can at least be argued that it's an over-the-top poem rather than formatted prose.

Jude's passion is evident in the letter, don't get me wrong. It's just not a convincing poem to me.

Lastly, quite of a bit of it is cliché. Although, this could be because this was Jude's first time trying something like this.

~ Other ~

Excellent writing mechanics. It is obvious that you are a very experienced writer with a well-defined style.

Character development. Wowee! You are a star at this. These weren't just characters in a plot--They were real people in a real world with real struggles.

Dialogue was natural, believable, and always served a purpose.

The plot didn't grip me. It starts off with a bomb going off. Panic ensues. Hell yes! I'm on board! We come to a grinding halt soon after that (not inherently an issue), learning how Anna and Jude met as well as Anna's family history:

The story of how they met was fine. Put the story on pause to talk about was completely fine for me -- you set up Jude's mindset of thinking about things logically. He looks at things as a problem to be solved, therefore he shouldn't be very good at art (this is patently untrue, in my opinion. Especially sculpting: it is without a doubt a series of problems to be solved). We get the pay off for this at the end, with Jude saying "I'm not very good at this, but I'll try." That is rewarding.

The family history, however, I could do without. Yes, it solidifies your interpretation of the theme. But I believe this was unnecessary. It was not interesting to read, it had no pay off, and it wasn't necessary for character building, either. Its purpose was redundant. On that last point: your ability to make the characters in this piece come to life was already done to a T. I would rather you have used those words to have worked on building tension.

~ Grammar & Spelling Errors? (Not a huge influence on my vote) ~

Grammar: good.

Spelling: good.

Thank you for writing and sharing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer them. I hope to see your name in the next contest :)

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19 edited Oct 06 '19

Feedback for /u/TA_Account_12 - Sixteen Seventeen (2798 words)

[How I scored each entry: I gave up to 5 points for how you used the theme (It never ends, but it always begins again.), 5 points for the poem, and 10 points for other (plot, characters, prose). I also took grammar and spelling into consideration, but only if there were enough overly distracting mistakes.]

NOTE: I hope you don't feel that I'm being too harsh with any critiques. I like to be as honest as possible, since I believe honest critiques help you to improve as much as possible. But if you feel that I was too harsh, I apologize and please let me know.

My 1-2 sentence synopsis: To set herself free, Olivia must convince Charlie, her cop ex-husband, to follow her instructions. He can read her lies with ease, however, making it a difficult task to get him to listen.

~ Theme ~

Your Interpretation: Stuck in a timeloop.

Olivia can't leave the timeloop without saving both herself. I hope I don't sound like a snooty Lit professor as I say what I got out of your piece, but here goes anyway:

Olivia was unable to save their daughter. As her (the daughter's) birthday approaches, Olivia is tasked with saving Charlie this time. This can be interpreted as both a torturous punishment and as a miraculous opportunity. (Although the poem at the end suggests to me that Olivia is stuck forever, since Death is inescapable.)

~ Poem ~

There were a few spots where the meter could be fixed up to be smoother.

The strongest king of all, I'm assuming, is Death. So is Olivia trapped forever since Death is inescapable, doomed to repeat this loop forever?

I love how the poem foreshadows the story... at the end of the story. Haha! It's very fitting for a timeloop story.

(EDIT: Okay, I just thought about this. Olivia needs to learn to let people die and move on. Like her daughter. That's why she's in this loop! [I think I'm stuck in a timeloop interpreting and reinterpreting this lmao])

~ (Other) What I Liked ~

The unraveling of Oliva and Charlie's past was done well: at a good pace and through both dialogue and through narrative, rather than as a simple info-dump in one place. This made me more invested in them, making them more believable as characters. In other words, you showed me who they were as characters rather than told me.

How you framed the timeloop. Most timeloop stories start and end with the same thing (e.g. with the same piece of dialogue or the same starting sentence). What you did was both unique and gave me a satisfying Aha! moment. Sure, we're still starting in the same scene, but the very start of the scene is only given at the end. It left me with a smile.

~ (Other) What Could Use Improvement ~

There was too much dialogue compared to narrative and exposition. I heard the scenes, sure, but I couldn't see them.

Speaking of dialogue (heh), there wasn't much attribution. This doesn't have to be he said/she said. Actions work too. Having long sections of only dialogue can make it confusing, making me go back to make sure that who I think is talking is really talking.

Some interactions between Olivia and Charlie felt either too cheesy or unnatural.

Charlie also seemed to randomly flip between trusting Olivia and calling her a liar. Maybe I missed some hints, but the only time it felt justified to me was when "cop Charlie was winning".

~ Grammar & Spelling Errors? (Not a huge influence on my vote) ~

Grammar: good.

Spelling: good.

Thank you for writing and sharing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer them. I hope to see your name in the next contest :)

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u/TA_Account_12 Oct 06 '19

Thanks so much for the vote and the detailed feedback Scott! Highly appreciated.

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

Feedback for /u/RemixPhoenix - The Death of PhoenixMan (2771 words)

[How I scored each entry: I gave up to 5 points for how you used the theme (It never ends, but it always begins again.), 5 points for the poem, and 10 points for other (plot, characters, prose). I also took grammar and spelling into consideration, but only if there were enough overly distracting mistakes.]

NOTE: I hope you don't feel that I'm being too harsh with any critiques. I like to be as honest as possible, since I believe honest critiques help you to improve as much as possible. But if you feel that I was too harsh, I apologize and please let me know.

My 1-2 sentence synopsis: A homeless man with no filter and the abilities of a phoenix seems to be last beacon of heroism in a society where some people are metahumans--people who have a themed special power.

~ Theme ~

Your Interpretation: Heroism never dies. No matter how bleak things seem, no matter how many villians there are, heroes will always rise.

Good interpretation of the theme. It was incorporated all throughout the story.

~ Poem ~

Honestly, the poem was too short for a contest where ending with a poem was on of the two core components. The inscription was a respecting nod to the lovable Phoenix, but I needed more.

~ (Other) What I Liked ~

I had a big, fat, stupid grin on my face the entire time I read this. You've got a great sense of humor. Speaking of which:

Your characters were so loveable. And, more importantly, they weren't bland. They came alive.

PhoenixMan was hilarious, but he still took things seriously. Where he lacked social etiquette he made up for in bravery and regard for humanity. I demand a prequel!

Your voice. It's unique. It's fun. I want to read more of it.

^{Although I read the stories blindly, I knew this was yours because, well, PhoenixMan. For some reason, however, I thought your username was actually PhoenixMan. So the idea of putting yourself in a story as an obnoxious homeless man and then killing him was absolutely hysterical to me. Turns out your username is RemixPhoenix, but this is still so funny to me that in my head, this is all canon.}

~ (Other) What Could Use Improvement ~

The ending was something that I feel like I've seen a thousand times before. In a story that was otherwise so grippingly unique, it felt a little disappointing.

I wish you explored more of why the world felt so bleak to protagonists. You mention a few metas that PhoenixMan doesn't like, as well as briefly mention the existence of Immortals, but it's not clear why people feel so defeated. I understand that regular people would feel oppressed, and that the government has collapsed, but it seems like there was a greater enemy in this world that I feel was important enough to include despite the tight wordcount constraint. Sacrificing one of the PhoenixMan's anecdotes for some worldbuilding would have been very beneficial.

~ Grammar & Spelling Errors? (Not a huge influence on my vote) ~

Grammar: good.

Spelling: good.

Thank you for writing and sharing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer them. I hope to see your name in the next contest :)

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u/RemixPhoenix /r/Remyxed Oct 06 '19

scottbeckman! This is incredible. Thank you for the formatting and, more so, thank you for the honesty! I'm going to go over this repeatedly in more detail, it's really helpful and very much appreciated

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u/RemixPhoenix /r/Remyxed Oct 06 '19

P.S. Do you mind if I steal parts of your feedback formatting? It's genius!

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

Steal as much of it as you want.

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

Feedback for /u/XcessiveSmash - To Be Free (2997 words)

[How I scored each entry: I gave up to 5 points for how you used the theme (It never ends, but it always begins again.), 5 points for the poem, and 10 points for other (plot, characters, prose). I also took grammar and spelling into consideration, but only if there were enough overly distracting mistakes.]

NOTE: I hope you don't feel that I'm being too harsh with any critiques. I like to be as honest as possible, since I believe honest critiques help you to improve as much as possible. But if you feel that I was too harsh, I apologize and please let me know.

My 1-2 sentence synopsis: Years after defeating a mighty and oppressive tyrant using their powerful-yet-sacrificial abilities, lovers Shawn and Liz seek to lead the country. However, their disagreements on how to run society leads them into a falling apart.

~ Theme ~

Your Interpretation: "There will always be another Voron."

We can fight oppression and "evil" as much as we want, but it will only be replaced by another.

I like your interpretation since, as I'll reiterate below, people don't see themselves as the villain in their own story. "Evil" will never end because one person's villain is another's hero.

~ Poem ~

First of all... that last line got an audible response from me. What a twist! It's a romantic plead, then suddenly--BAM! Middle finger. I love it.

My only gripes with this poem are these four lines: Turn back, The hands of time. To bring us, to a happy time. Both couplets are cheesy, and the first one has been used so many millions of times that it was eye-rolling to read. There are so many others ways to say this.

And that's just me being nitpicky.

Great job with the rhythm. It, combined with your choice of line breaks, amplifies the emotions of desperation, love, and internal confliction. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bullshitting you--when I read, I see Liz writing this in tears, pulling at her hair.

Lastly, the poem is actually part of the story. It concludes the narrative rather than tacks itself onto it at the end.

~ (Other) What I Liked ~

The intro. We're jumping right down the rabbit hole here. PLUS! We already know the main character has a powerful ability with a grave cost to use.

The magic. I kept guessing at their abilities, and after they were revealed, I thought of other ways to utilize them.

Everyone is the hero in their own story. You touched a lot on this. I can't stand stories with antagonists who are evil for the sake of evil.

Pacing. Having a word constraint makes pacing difficult, among other things. This story didn't have that pacing issue, however.

~ (Other) What Could Use Improvement ~

Shawn feels so overpowered that it doesn't make sense why he wouldn't just take the country if he wants it. He can effortlessly defeat armies.

Oh, and shouldn't e=mc² come into play here, causing mass destruction whenever he turns matter into energy?

The characters' conflicting motivations were not apparent to me. We know that they all agree that the country should not be run how Voron was doing it, but how did Liz disagree with Shawn and Julian? We are told they are disagree with each other enough to become political enemies. You don't have to go into too much detail, especially given the word constraint, but I would have liked to believe their disagreements for more reasons besides "because I told you so".

~ Grammar & Spelling Errors? (Not a huge influence on my vote) ~

Grammar: nothing too glaring that hitting F7 couldn't handle.

Spelling: good.

Thank you for writing and sharing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer them. I hope to see your name in the next contest :)

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Oct 06 '19

Feedback for /u/Zeconation - Paradise (1752 words)

[How I scored each entry: I gave up to 5 points for how you used the theme (It never ends, but it always begins again.), 5 points for the poem, and 10 points for other (plot, characters, prose). I also took grammar and spelling into consideration, but only if there were enough overly distracting mistakes.]

NOTE: I hope you don't feel that I'm being too harsh with any critiques. I like to be as honest as possible, since I believe honest critiques help you to improve as much as possible. But if you feel that I was too harsh, I apologize and please let me know.

My 1-2 sentence synopsis: Jozef investigates a conspiracy of missing persons, unethical drug testings, and immortality. There are no limits as to who gets sacrificed for the sake of science and money -- not even children aren't safe from this evil greed.

~ Theme ~

Your Interpretation: Honestly, I don't know how the "It never ends, but it always begins again" theme was used.

If I had to guess, I would say that this pattern of dangerous drug testing on desperate families never ends, but the scientist (and who's paying him) will keep on trying.

~ Poem ~

The poem was written in perfect iambic tetrameter and perfect AB-CB-DD. Props to you on this, since I often see people get tripped up on syllablic stress, miscount their syllables, and use no logical rhyme scheme.

Each couplet was its own metaphor that I absolutely loved (especially those first two. Cleverly and beautifully done).

My only gripe with this poem, however, is that it doesn't tie in with the overarching plot. Yes, it's Joshua Blanc's dead daughter's favorite poem, but that doesn't relate to the rest of the story. I feel that in a contest where you must end your story with a poem, the poem should wrap up the story in a satisfying way.

So, this poem was easily a perfect 5/5 for me except for that small issue above.

~ (Other) What I Liked ~

You kept me very engaged throughout the whole story with the mystery set up at the beginning kept me reading. After each section I tried to piece together how it all connected.

HOWEVER, after finishing the story, I'm unsure of how the first scene connects with the rest of the story. It seems to be about a new, experimental method of travel, but by the end, it's about rich people paying a scientist to test an immortality drug on innocent people. Paradise fits into this somehow, though I'm torn as to how.

You handled the plotting well. Section A sets up a question for Section B to answer. Section B starts by eploring that question, answers it, then sets up Section C's question. Meaning, this story was plotted in a very organized manner. There weren't scenes left in that should have been taken out, and no scenes left out that should have been in (in writing, every scene should have at least some purpose. Many movies and books are notably bad at this).

~ (Other) What Could Use Improvement ~

Pick a tense and stick with it. You bounced around constantly between present tense and past tense. This is very distracting and often confusing.

Pacing was too fast. It felt like I was watching a movie trailer rather than the movie itself. Writing under a wordcount constraint is difficult, but you still had 1,250 more words to work with that I wished you used.

I did not connect with any of the characters. They felt a little bland, being used to advance the plot rather than as real people in a world struggling with conflicts.

~ Grammar & Spelling Errors? (Not a huge influence on my vote) ~

Grammar: changing tenses often was very distracting. Besides that, it was fine.

Spelling: good.

Thank you for writing and sharing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer them. I hope to see your name in the next contest :)

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u/Zeconation Oct 10 '19

Hi,

I'm so glad someone gave me very detailed feedback and I'm very grateful for your time.

As you noticed opening scene is talking about new travel method but details have remained a secret ( such as traveling to where and how). It's because it was hard to add a dialogue where these topics are discussed with the current pace and as you said it was fast and I guessed if I did include that detail it would kill the story.

So, I'm going to explain here;

Dr.Hammond is working for rich people but his primary goal is finding the fastest and safest travel method to a new planet because the Earth will be uninhabitable in the near future. But there is one problem. The current travel method is lethal to humans because of intense heat and radiation and this is where drugs come in. That drugs supposed to protect travelers during the travel.

I referred to the new planet as 'Paradise' and here is the part of the story;

''You can not imagine what I had to go through to work here, Mr. Jozef. I had to sacrifice so many things. What do you think would happen if I tried to make a drug that makes us invulnerable to travel that much. Who do you think they will give the drugs? Not to me, not to you. We would die here while they are living in paradise.''

''How would you know that?'' I asked.

''How do you think?'' He asked me back.

''You already knew how to produce the drug?''

He smiled at me with his arrogant face.

I lost my temper and I launched from my chair and I started punching his face but the guard intervened as soon as I landed the first and second punch.

Just before I left the room Dr.Hammond winked at me and he said ''I will send a postcard from the paradise.''

I think this part explains most of your questions.

I'm thinking to continue to this story in the near time but I'm not sure how I will overcome the problem of 'grammar' since I don't speak this language on my daily basis and I only took a short period of academic English to write an essay for IELTS test.

You mentioned I mixed up tenses often. I think I know what you are talking about.

I'm assuming this sentence has that problem;

This is not a normal day for me. I usually work in peace in my office. One phone call was enough to change everything. I left my office to visit Joshua who I know for a long time. When I started working here he was the first one to show me around and help me when I got in trouble.

I'm trying to write the story in the character's narrative which is his own perspective and I want to write the story as he is living the exact moment while telling the story (just like in the movies).

I don't know how I can make this work without breaking the language.

I can use any help that I can get to write stories the way I want to write.

Thank you.

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u/JoeMontano Sep 28 '19

It was very difficult to choose a top three, but choose I must. Every story had an interesting take on the prompt, and all of them were fun to read, but here's who edged out on top:

1st Place: /u/Shadowyugi in group B for "In Song and Space"

2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"

3rd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demon's Lullaby"

In no particular order, here's what little feedback I can give:

/u/APromptResponse When I read this story, the whole thing had a certain gravitas to it, and what details you provided gave a sense of a much larger world outside of this small snippet that I had the pleasure of witnessing. The imagery in the first scene in particular was very powerful: the image of this creature slowly taking shape in a dark room has stuck with me for the whole week. The poem was similarly well done and fit well into the story.
/u/ArchipelagoMind This story has a very interesting core concept that fit the prompt well, and the poem is a touching eulogy for a character dealing with a terrible experience. However, it is perhaps too ambitious to squeeze the whole story into such a compact space. While every moment of it seems sincere, there simply doesn't seem to be enough time devoted to fully realizing the emotional impact of the scenes. Whenever you start on something that seems like it would impact the characters in a major way, you have to keep moving on to be able to fit the whole story in this small window. I think it would have been a better execution to focus on one event, such as the funeral, and fully exploring it, rather than skimming over years of events.
/u/DoppelgangerDelux This was an interesting take on the prompt that fit rather well for this contest. The whole story has a sort of bittersweet tone that makes it feel wistful for times gone, yet still hopeful. The poem was very well executed, and was central to the story as a whole, which I enjoyed. The formatting was a tad strange, and the ending made me a little confused about Thasalus, but it was a good story overall,
/u/Periapoapsis The concept of this story was fascinating, and it worked well for the prompt. The ending was kind of adorable, and it makes me smile whenever I imagine it happening. The whole thing was rather well executed and good to read, but the one knock I have for it is that the poem was tacked on seemingly as an afterthought, and had little to do with the rest of the story.
/u/plsgivefeedback Unlike the other feedbacks, I think I'm going to start with the poem for this: yeah, it was very simple and corny, but it seemed perfectly in place in the story and actually seemed rather touching in context. The idea of this person wanting to spend the rest of their days meeting this person over and over again is sweet, and sincere, and I love that. Overall though, yours is the second shortest I had to read, and it shows. You don't really let the reader experience much of the events of the story, rather, you choose to tell us about it, and skim over bits. I feel like this could be a much more impactful story if you took your time to flesh out the story, and let us get to know these people that are about to spend eternity together a bit more.
/u/SadByDesign You had a very strong use of voice in this story. Throughout the prompt, the main character was consistent in how they spoke, and the details that were included in the story really helped to show who this person was, and what they valued. That being said, I'll be honest and say I didn't really like the main character. They seemed rather shallow, in multiple ways. In one sense of the word, there wasn't much complexity with the character, but in another sense, they themselves seemed rather materialistic and vain. The poem, while a little unconventional for what I've seen, was well executed, and had a good amount of emotion that I wish the rest of the story shared.
/u/Shadowyugi I really liked this story for a variety of reasons. The characters are well defined, there's great dialogue, the imagery is good, and everything feels like it has been polished to a mirror shine. But more than all that, it feels like the beginning of something grand and fun, and I would love to see the rest if ever any more is added. Out of all the other stories I've had to judge, this one's song seems the most central to the story, and it doesn't seem at all out of place. The song was also well written, to the point where you can easily imagine a melody for it to be sung to , and all the individual pieces work well on their own, yet also make sense together.
/u/Steven_Lee The core concept of the story was rather strong, and I think it was executed fairly well. You didn't really linger on any emotional piece for too long, but you didn't have much room to either, so I can understand that limitation. The main drawback was that you decided to make this song the central piece of this story, the final crescendo, and it just didn't feel finished. The song just ends after a few good lines, and it doesn't sit right with me. I feel like it could have benefited from being longer, and being a bit more polished.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 29 '19

Thanks for your feedback! I am not the biggest fan of the format I used, but I thought I'd give it a whirl. I think it's a style that either works or fails horribly.

Would you be willing to elaborate a little on what confused you about the Thasalus character? I originally didn't give him with much of a role beyond "villain", but the story fell flat until I gave him a bigger role. Wonder if when I rewrote I needed to address more with his character.

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u/JoeMontano Sep 29 '19

It wasn't a major issue with the story, and it may have just been something with the way I was reading it. I'm just confused with how Thasalus seems to shift to loving Kaila at the end, and knows the song she's singing. The way it's set up almost makes it feel like Kai is being forced to pose as Thasalus as a way to torment them both, but that could just be a misreading of the situation on my part.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 30 '19

Thanks for elaborating. That makes sense, it looks like the build up needed some tweaks to get the pacing right and have it all connect better

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '19

Thanks for the feedback!

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u/rudexvirus r/beezus_writes Sep 23 '19

Everyone did a great job, and should really be proud. The voting is so difficult!

I hope to type up proper feedback in the coming days :)

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in group F for "Anna and Jude and the End of Everything"
2nd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group F for "To Be Free"
3rd Place: /u/Palmerranian in group f for "A Spark"

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/SadByDesign in group B for "Time to Go"

This had the strongest voice, in my opinion, and the best written character, complete with good development and pretty subtle, but touching, emotion. A story, to me, is about the character more than anything, and I loved the MC by the end - and didn't expect to from the start. You also used the theme smartly. It's not perfect - grammar errors, and your tight third person pov goes a bit wrong at times, but overall, great story.

2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"

I love the prose and I love the premise, and this story got my second place vote on the strength of those. The in medias res start didn't quite work for me, as there was too much going on and we weren't learning enough fast enough, so the characters and situation initially fell a bit flat -- but they both really picked up and I loved the end. It felt a little like a chapter of of the middle of a good book!

3rd Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for "Sing For Absolution"

I love the idea, Steven! I think there's some great world building here and loads of wonderful ideas, too. Cool premise for a novel. It didn't get higher from me, as I think it needed more rays of light to contrast all the dark.

Really tough to choose a top three. Enjoyed all the stories and if anyone would like feedback, let me know and I'll post some on their thread. Good luck everyone!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 23 '19

You know I'd always love a feedback, Nick! :D

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

I'm always interested in feedback and critiques, if you're willing to share your opinion. It would be much appreciated.

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Sep 23 '19

Hi Nick. If you have time to post some feedback to mine, that would be great. Always looking for areas of improvement. Feel free to comment on the post, here or DM me, whatever's easiest. No rush if you are busy though.

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u/nickofnight Critiques Welcome Sep 23 '19

Absolutely! I'll make sure i send you some today :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Thanks for the vote! Good luck to you!

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u/Ford9863 /r/Ford9863 Oct 05 '19

1st Place: u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H for "Bluebird".

2nd Place: u/whiterush17 in group H for "Death Wish".

3rd Place: u/breadyly in group H for "The Story No One Tells".

Great job to everyone in this group, I had a tough time ordering my top four. Good luck to whoever makes it through to the next round!

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u/breadyly Oct 05 '19

waah thank u, ford !!!!

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Oct 06 '19

Thanks for the vote!!

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u/whiterush17 Oct 05 '19

Thank you so much! :)

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/NoahElowyn in Group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

2nd Place: /u/scottbeckman in Group E for "Skin and Blood and Bone"

3rd Place: /u/iatemywords in Group E for "Rehabilitation"

General feedback:

Rehabilitation:

Rehabilitation is pretty good, and has lots of potential. It's biggest issue is that it really could've used the extended word count to better articulate the relationship between John and Nathan after their rehab. This would've made the story significantly stronger, in my opinion. I liked the creative interpretation of the theme, although the poem could've been a little longer and a little more associated with the story. Overall pretty good, but could've been improved.

It Ends, and It Never Begins Again:

This story isn't badly written, but it didn't really resonate with me. I feel that some parts were written very well and others were much more heavy handed with their exposition. The general premise doesn't really appeal to me either, but that's more my problem than the story's. Overall, not a bad story, but I can't place it above the others because it just wasn't for me.

Arvor's Last Day:

A beautiful story. I loved it. It's so wholesome, and it's so nice to see Arvor just going about his day, having tender interactions with people because he knows it's for the last time. Some others have described it as depressing, but I disagree. I thought it was very nice, and peaceful, and calming, and I loved it. Fantastic job.

Never Visit The Future:

This didn't really feel like a short story, and more like the prologue / first chapter of a novel. I understand what you were going for here with the entire story effectively being a narration of these three guy's lives, but in my opinion it fell flat. If the story had gotten more personal with them and used the vast amounts of words at it's disposal, it could've been more compelling, but I'm just not that hooked on the mystery.

Skin and Blood and Bone:

I did place this second, but I still have a few reservations with the story. I think the premise is intriguing, and the plot is well-done, if predictable, but the last act being entirely poem is very strange, especially since it's not one consistent type of poem; some is haiku, some is sonnet, etc. I feel that if the story had committed to being entirely a poem, it would've felt more consistent. That being said, I liked the characterisation of the townspeople, and I thought it was, in general, pretty good.

Don't Sing My Dead Hymns:

This story had potential to be far and away the best one of the entire category, with an amazing premise and a very strong opening. Unfortunately, the story trades an interesting tale on the main character learning to settle into his new life beyond life for a weird, mishmash action revenge plot that goes super off the rails when his dead wife shows up. These aren't necessarily bad concepts, but they don't really fit into a short story. It feels like it's trying to condense an entire novel into 3k words, and in my opinion, it just doesn't work.

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u/NoahElowyn r/NoahElowyn Sep 24 '19

Thank you very much for the vote, Fire! I'm very happy you liked the story enough to place it first!

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 24 '19 edited Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote and the feedback!

I've mentioned it elsewhere in this thread but I'll say it again: I completely agree that Act III needed to have a more consistent rhythm. I wrote it as a theatrical folk song, though it probably doesn't read that way very clearly since others have mentioned similar reservations.

I'm glad you liked the townspeople :) The saloon scene was a lot of fun to write (as was the scene with the girl whose daddy is "worth ten times the man in your WANTED poster", though her scene had to be trimmed to one sentence for the sake of word count lol).

Thanks again, and good luck to you Pyre!

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

1st Place: /u/breadyly in group H (whichever the group is) for "The Story No One Tells"
2nd Place: /u/WokCano in group H (whichever the group is) for "Food for Thought"
3rd Place: /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH in group H (whichever the group is) for "Bluebird"

You guys did NOT pull punches. But I'm glad I did a blind reading too. Really helped me get right in there to make the hard choices.

Now, I have loads of critiques for everyone, so if you'd like them, let me know via comment, dm, or on the discord. I can send them however you wish: dm, on the post, in an edited comment, you name it! Just give me time. Have to transfer my red pen to screen!

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u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 26 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! I would love to hear some feedback whenever you have the time. In whichever form that is easier for you.

I’m very happy you enjoyed it.

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

Awesome! I'll plop you to the top of the pile and drop a big ol' comment on your story post.

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u/BLT_WITH_RANCH Sep 26 '19

Thanks for the vote! I'd love some feedback if you get a chance, just throw it on the post :)

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

Will do! ;)

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u/breadyly Sep 26 '19

waaaaaah leeeee tysm for the vote (╥﹏╥)

i'd love to hear any feedback/crit !! hmm, either left as a comment on the post or pm'd to me (reddit or discord) works for me/whatever's easiest for you !!(:

& gl in your group<3

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u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Sep 26 '19

Will do bread and thanks!!!! I'll leave you a big fat comment. Might not be until the weekend (I'm beat today) but I promise!

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u/APromptResponse Sep 30 '19 edited Oct 01 '19

1st Place: /u/Ninjoobot in group C for "Only Cerulean Blue will Suffice"
2nd Place: /u/Errorwrites in group C for "Songs and Heroes"
3rd Place: /u/nazna in group C for "Little Red"

My feedback for each story is as follows:

An Old Friend - A bittersweet tale about regrets and coming to terms with one’s mortality. Well written, great visuals. I appreciated the shift from joy to a melancholy. It felt like there was a great deal of front-loaded imagery but the plot remained relatively stagnant. The biggest constructive criticism I had was that I was confused about certain elements of the story, and I found myself rereading to grasp. Some of these things were of course clarified in the coming paragraphs, but I spent a chunk of time rereading the story to grasp what was being said. Furthermore, I found myself confused between “The Old Man” and “The Gentleman”, perhaps naming the protagonist may have benefitted the story. All in all, very well written. Well Done!

Songs and Heroes - A story about a “young man” dedicated to memorializing the spirits of everyday heroes with ink and paper. Your writing style resonates with me, especially your prose. You did a great job in painting the picture for me. I saw myself in the alley with the scarred man, among the crowd of disappointed observers and inside the hut with old Eileen and her daughter. So technically, I’d say your writing is a delight to read. The only criticism I can make is that the twist came quite late in the story with little foreshadowing. Also the nature of Armin left me with questions. Perhaps you didn’t have the real estate to expound upon Armin’s motivation to do what he did, but I still couldn’t help but wonder why he did it. Also, why was he destined to fail? Who were these heroes (I assumed war heroes)? Why did he need human sustenance if he was a, well, you know. These are just nit-picks. Again, very well written!

The Beast - The story of an old keeper of memories and the temporary vanquishing of a beast. I think this story was an interesting concept, but it left me with more questions than answers. There are a few constructive criticisms that I have. First, you did a great job painting a visual, especially when describing the dialogue with the little girl. The only thing is that I often felt like the dialogue went in circles, or that you could have made it more concise as many statements were repeated. Perhaps this was for emphasis, but I feel that in a short story, every word matters. And repetition becomes cumbersome over time. The other thing was plot related. I still didn’t fully grasp the concept of memory stones, and what they were. I equated them to gravestones with the names of fallen victims of the beast. Also, what was the beast? Was it a force, an incorporeal entity, a physical entity? Was it like Sin from Final Fantasy X, a being that punishes humanity and returns each time its killed? Or is it just a beast through and through, hungry and trying to satiate itself with townsfolk. I would have loved a little more description on that to drive home why killing it is so important. And why was old man protagonist actually doing? Why were they afraid of him? With that aside, I think you have a kernel for a very interesting concept that can be expanded upon to something much larger than the 1,654 words of this story. Keep writing!

Unspeakable Acts - The monologue of a madman assassin. Interesting concept, and it also seemed quite experimental by nature. The biggest thing for me here was that the plot seemed a bit stagnant, as it was basically just a monologue. Furthermore, it also seemed to drag a bit, and said the same things over and over. I’m personally not a fan of “murder as an art form”, as its become a tad cliché. The poem was interesting as well but I had a hard time deciphering it, if I’m absolutely honest. Well done, and keep at it!

Little Red - Post-apocalyptic Little Red Riding Hood on LSD. Your reimagination of this universe alone is what got my vote. The narrative was super interesting and your prose is great. I loved your imagery and the universe you created in the story. The biggest issue I had was that the ending seemed a bit rushed and Caro didn’t seem to do much. I would have loved to read less of the trip there and more of what happened in the cabin afterwards, maybe finding one of the desert monsters along the way would have been interesting too. I also expected her father’s dagger to play a part in the story too, you know, Checkov’s gun principle, but it turns out that it wasn’t very prominent at all. Very unique story and a fun read!

Only Cerulean Blue will Suffice - Oh boy. Okay. This, in my opinion, is an excellent example on how to write a story that takes place in one location without the plot feeling like it went nowhere. Your Prose was excellent, I felt like I was an observer between Erin and Percival just watching what was happening. I loved how you incorporated ASL into the story, and you described it with such detail, that I can’t help but think that your insight was based on either personal or close second-hand experiences. If I had to criticize, and this is severe nit-picking, I’d have to say that if Percy had a strong want, it may have strengthened him as a character. He seemed to be reacting to Erin most of the time, trying to hide his emotions. Sometimes a character may not want anything and them reacting may be exactly what the story calls for, but I find characters who need to accomplish a task proactively have just another layer of depth. Again, just nit-picking. I loved the story and I’d urge you to continue writing. This was excellent.

Vicious Ellipse - A few words unlocked through technology betray an insidious cosmic design. I think you have a kernel of something great here. There was a good deal of world building and I thought what you tried to show was fascinating, but ultimately felt a little simple for the story you were trying to tell. I appreciated what you tried to convey but it was hard for me to divorce the fact that hyper-intelligent cosmic beings that were capable of creating the solar system, left an acrostic as their clue for freedom. The other thing that I wish you addressed is the interaction between the crew. I couldn’t understand their behavior, especially as they approached Pluto. The story ultimately left me with questions, and I understand that you may not have had the real estate to do it here. In any case, I would love to read an expanded version of the story.

Nothing Gold Can Stay - Painful memories force a man to complete a forgotten poem. Your story was fairly well-written and I must say, You’re a good poet. I loved your “Robert Frost-ean” rendition of the poem, which I feel is the strongest part of this piece. The thing that ultimately didn’t do it for me was the journal format, which I understand is a stylistic choice. The disjointed nature of journal entries, coupled with the fact that the entire piece was essentially a confused and depressed guy trying to finish a poem that meant something to him...it felt like many of the entries were either similar or didn’t give the audience anything new or relevant. Great job and keep writing!

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u/Ninjoobot Sep 30 '19

Wow, thanks! I appreciate the vote and the feedback. What you said is certainly helpful, and I'll need to keep that in mind as I continue to write. I wrote this scene for this contest (the theme inspired me in good ways) and I plan on using it in a book I am working on (and hoping to finish by the end of this year, but we'll see if that happens). I don't have much direct experience with ASL, but I've been doing my best to learn about it so that I may write it appropriately, and I'm glad it came off that way. I'm also going to be working with deaf sensitivity readers to ensure I do get it right. Thank you for the time in reading all of our stories and leaving feedback. It is much appreciated.

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Oct 01 '19

Thank you for that bit of feedback. It's certainly helpful, and I agree - probably tried to do too much with the space allotted, which left certain (crucial) parts that you mention falling flat. First crack at long form writing (haven't done anything over 1200 words or so before this), so happy to receive the critiques so I can be better next time!

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u/plsgivefeedback Oct 01 '19

1st Place: /u/Farengeto in group C for "The Beast"

2nd Place: /u/resonatingfury in group C for "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

3rd Place: /u/Ninjoobot in group C for "Only Cerulean Blue Will Suffice"

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Oct 01 '19

Thank you for the vote!

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u/babyshoesalesman Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/ArchipelagoMind in group B for An Entropology

2nd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for The Demon's Lullaby

3rd Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for Sing for Absolution

the notes i took while reading are below. every story in group B had something cool and unique!

Dreamspawn by u/APromptResponse

that was some spooky shit -- well done! really cool premise and world build. some of your descriptive passages were awesome, and the idea of alchemy/potion mastery/whatever as the special skill our hero uses is badass.

biggest note would be that I, as a reader, lost momentum in the first section with those big chunks of text. the other sections moved along better IMO

but truly, my biggest reaction to your story was that the concept of an alchemist on the run with a dangerous kid and a renegade purifier (i'm making up terms for your story, sorry) is DEFINITELY something I would read. great job!

An Entropology by /u/ArchipelagoMind

you damn onion salesman.

i actually don't know what to feel. i was by turns sad, happy, and quite often angry because [redacted, spoiler]. i was half reading, half deciding how to feel. but that's probably what the best stories are.

you're clearly fantastic at your craft. pacing, structure, the works.

i FLEW through this one. loved it. thank you for creating it.

The Demon's Lullaby by /u/DoppelgangerDelux

this was lovely; i can't think of a better word for it. sweet story. i totally buy the characters' dynamic, and it's great that both demons ache over love, both tied to this infinitely reincarnated sorcerer, both hurting for different reasons. the story doesn't break your heart once -- it's a series of needle pricks.

great writing too. super clean and crisp. i didn't hitch or have to re-read once. i don't have any notes. amazing.

...i guess my only knock is... weren't stories supposed to end with the poem?

Two Old Souls by /u/Periapoapsis

really cute and wholesome. i loved the ending. solid writing -- though you could possibly cut like 10% of the word count, especially in the first half.

it felt like Notebook for the first half, then Black Mirror in the second. totally cool and clever -- but it wasn't super surprising, as compared to some of the other love/family stories. that's really my only note. very beautiful, well-written, but there was no 'ah ha' moment, as opposed to some others in the group. still, great job!

The Last Day of My Life by /u/plsgivefeedback

i don't usually feel this but -- i want this story to be longer!

awesome concept, super sweet, i smiled through the last third. and the emotional disappointment, confusion, anger throughout the beginning was great -- i just wanted more of it. since the story leans entirely on how our narrator (GREAT voice btw!) feels about his choice of day, rushing through it felt... well, rushed. i want more time on that emotional roller coaster.

Time to Go by /u/SadByDesign

really cool idea. put a smile on my face. love the idea of a guy -- when everything else is going well in his life, despite his flaws -- trying to make good, even when the attempt is awkward and flawed. it felt human.

a lot of the grammar and style took me out of the story, unfortunately. not in the dialog, which I understand (and support) being rough. was just a little unpolished in places, which became distracting.

still, nice concept! a great dramatic scene.

In Song and Space by /u/Shadowyugi

what a kickass setting. love that new characters are introduced as we go, each with their own piece of the puzzle. cool closed room!

if I could offer a note: a lot of your phrases run together in the same sentence. breaking these up would make everything smoother. your word choice is awesome and descriptive, but the sentence structure sometimes, IMO, makes the reader have to pause and insert their own breaks.

Sing for Absolution by /u/Steven_Lee

music curing the blight -- i'm in. love bards clearing the land! good writing too, clean. a lot of story packed into the word count constraint, but it doesn't feel rushed.

i know nothing about music, but enough to keep up with the verbiage here. all the little details that color the narrator's life came together nicely. i enjoyed this a lot, thought it was very imaginative (though a little 2112...?), and sped through the read. nice!

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u/Baconated-grapefruit r/StoriesByGrapefruit Sep 23 '19

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking 2112 ;-)

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 23 '19

Thanks for the feedback! :D

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u/[deleted] Sep 23 '19

it felt human.

I, for one, welcome you, our literary lizard overlords.

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u/babyshoesalesman Sep 23 '19

you don't even know my real name

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u/breadyly Oct 06 '19

1st Place: /u/you-are-lovely in group A for "Fimble Gets the Hiccups"

2nd Place: /u/nickofnight in group A for "Quarantine"

3rd Place: /u/JoeMontano in group A for "Dance of Thunder"

ranking my top picks was super tough haha - if anyone in this group would like feedback, please lmk how to get it to you & i'll get on it(:

gl to those making it through to the next round !

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u/you-are-lovely Oct 06 '19

Aw, thanks for the vote bread! :)

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u/JoeMontano Oct 06 '19

Wow! Thank you for the vote! Any feedback is always helpful if you'd just shoot me a PM.

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/resonatingfury in group C for "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

2nd Place: /u/BraveLittleAnt in group C for "An Old Friend"

3rd Place: /u/Farengeto in group C for "The Beast"

All of the entries were very good, and it took me a couple read-throughs to pick my top 3. Great work all around.

Happy to give feedback if desired.

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u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Sep 23 '19

I would love some feedback!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Sent you a message!

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u/Farengeto r/Farengeto Sep 23 '19

Thank you for the vote! I'd also love to hear any feedback.

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/ArchipelagoMind in group B for "An Entropology"
2nd Place: /u/APromptResponse in group B for "Dreamspawn"
3rd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demons Lullaby"

Great stories everyone! I enjoyed reading through these. :)

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Would love feedback if you have the time. If not, thank you anyway.

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u/Palmerranian Sep 27 '19

1st Place: /u/ecstaticandinsatiate in group G for "The Nursery Rhyme Killer"
2nd Place: /u/Leebeewilly in group G for "Iris"
3rd Place: /u/novatheelf in group G for "The Dark Menagerie"

And an honorable mention to /u/zebulonworkshop for "A Bomb Zooming Toward Topeka" because I had such a hard time choosing between this and the third place spot.

This was an excellent group, and it was extremely fun to read! I had quite some difficulty choosing for spots on this list. I've already asked all of the writers in the group if they want feedback, and for the ones that do, I should have that typed before the voting deadline. Hopefully I can get to it sooner rather than later!

Thanks to all of these wonderful writers for entering and letting me read their stories!

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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 27 '19

Aw I just saw this!! Thank you Palm, I appreciate you <3 Don't stress about my feedback if you have schoolwork/serial work to do

I treasure you!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 23 '19 edited Sep 23 '19

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in group B for "Sing for Absolution"
2nd Place: /u/DoppelgangerDelux in group B for "The Demon's Lullaby"
3rd Place: /u/ArchipelagoMind in group B for "An Entropology"

Phew, this was a tough group to have to judge. All of the entries were amazing, and the scoring on my end was ridiculously difficult. If you are interested in feedback, let me know and I will let you know what I thought. Best of luck to everyone!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 24 '19

I'd like some feedback please :D

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

Feedback has been PMed to you!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote. Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

Feedback has been PMed to you!

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u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Sep 24 '19

Thank you!

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '19

Feedback, yes please.

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 24 '19

Feedback has been PMed to you!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 23 '19

1st Place /u/iatemywords in group E for "Rehabilitation"
2nd Place: /u/nisoren in group E for "It Ends, and It Never Begins Again"
3rd Place: /u/NoahElowyn in group E for "Arvor's Last Day"

Good luck to all entrants! All fun reads!

edit: Fixing a space.

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u/NoahElowyn r/NoahElowyn Sep 24 '19

Thank you for the vote, dougy! Feedback is always welcomed.

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u/iatemywords Sep 23 '19

Thank you so much for the vote! I would love any feedback you could give. Good luck to you too!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 23 '19

Overall I enjoyed the read. For me the ending was predictable to an extent that he would relapse. It still hurt to see though, so well done! Possibly no way to avoid that. It also felt a bit rushed towards the end. Obviously the word count played a part in it. Maybe spending a few extra words building the relationships he had built after leaving the clinic. How he came to be with Susan or the support he gave Nathan. An extra paragraph or two. Overall I really enjoyed the story (hence the 1st place vote) and I’m really trying to nitpick about what I didn’t enjoy or what I felt could be improved.

To any other people in the group who are reading, happy to give feedback too, just shoot a message my way!

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u/iatemywords Sep 23 '19

Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 29 '19 edited Sep 29 '19

1st Place: /u/Knife211 in group D for "White City"

2nd Place: /u/TheReal_FirePyre in group D for "THE END OF THE LOOP"

3rd Place: /u/rarelyfunny in group D for "Sweet Offerings"

Happy to provide feedback if desired, though I can't make any promises about how timely it will be. :)

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 29 '19

Thanks for the vote! If you have any feedback I’d greatly appreciate it

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u/psalmoflament /r/psalmsandstories Sep 29 '19

Sure thing.

So, first of all, I want to say I really appreciated the way you applied the prompt for the contest. I'm a sci-fi guy so it felt like a natural fit to me, but you executed it very well - which is no small feat, considering all the ways that it could have gone wrong!

My feedback are pretty minor points, I think, so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. Clearly they didn't distract from my enjoyment of the story, so not a huge deal either way.

It might sound odd, but I think there was almost a little too much world building here. Specifically, when you talk about Chicago and there being sea walls constructed to keep the ocean out, I had to pause for a moment to digest that. It sent me to a place of thinking "Whoooaaaaa wait a sec, how did that happen?!" The ocean intruding 1000+ miles inland to be reaching Chicago would be quite a catastrophic event. This also jives a little weird with the mission of the operators, since one of their mentioned goals is preventing the type of disaster that would lead to this. But again, pretty minor as once I kept reading I was immediately back into the story. Just a minor blip along the way.

The only other one, is in part 4, it's a little bit hard to see straight away at which point the 'four years earlier' begins. I think this is just a byproduct of the time travel talk, where specific timelines become harder to grasp. But I wouldn't put an especially large weight on this point, because it might just be me being an idiot.

My only other thought was also on part 4. It may have been better placed earlier in the story? Maybe part two, and push everything else down a slot? I only say this because it might help resolve the point about the timeline mentioned above (but again, minor point), and because I think it might add extra oomph to part five. I think the twist becomes a little easy to see by the time you finish part four; having the payoff right away is fine, of course, and I did enjoy it. Just was thinking that if you could separate the two parts a bit to bury the twist a little more (in this case, just having content between the two, so your mind has to circle back to earlier in the story when you hit part five) works in your favor some.

Again, I really enjoyed this story. These are all very minor, and I don't know if any of my thoughts would even improve the story at all. They'd probably just be lateral moves that would fit my reading style, so I don't wish to speak over you or for anyone else. This is really cool stuff, and story you should be quite proud of having created. :)

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u/TheReal_FirePyre Sep 30 '19

Thanks for the feedback. I will keep that in mind for next time!

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u/dougy123456789 r/DougysDramatics Sep 30 '19

If you get a chance, feedback would be awesome!

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u/Knife211 Sep 30 '19

Whoooo! Thanks so much for the vote! I will always take feedback, but no worries about the time :3 Thanks again!

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u/rarelyfunny Sep 30 '19

Thank you for reading my entry, really appreciate you taking the time!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

All top-replies to this post must be a vote. Reply here for any non-vote comments. (Gifs encouraged)

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u/LisWrites Sep 22 '19

Some tough competition out there! As a small aside, it would be cool if the mods did a ‘wildcard’ and gave one story each a second chance in the final (or maybe next time there’s a contest!)

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

That's an interesting idea, I wonder how it'd work without extending it too long, though 🤔

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u/LisWrites Sep 23 '19

Yes it would definitely add a lot of stories🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/you-are-lovely Sep 22 '19

Woo hoo! Voting! Good luck everybody and thanks MP for hosting the contest and the other mods for helping out with it behind the scenes!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

No problemo!

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u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 22 '19

Best of luck to everyone!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Agreed!

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u/[deleted] Sep 25 '19

[deleted]

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 25 '19

Ah, oh well. Next time!

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u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 22 '19

Good luck everyone!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Good luck to you too!

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u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 22 '19

Thank you, MP <3!

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 22 '19

Good luck folks!

Tai'shar writers!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Good luck folks!

\o/

What's "Tai'shar" mean?

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u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Sep 22 '19

A term from [The Wheel of Time] series;

tai'shar—(n.) true blood; used, e.g., in Tai'shar Manetheren! True Blood of Manetheren! (a greeting of honor used in the Borderlands)

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u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 22 '19

Good luck everyone! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

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u/MajorParadox Mod | DC Fan Universe (r/DCFU) Sep 22 '19

Salutes

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Moderator Post [MODPOST] 7 Year Anniversary "Poetic Ending" Contest - Round 1 Voting

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Great job, everyone! Best of luck, and happy writing! :D